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notabadboy
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Mute, ban, AR, turn off the computer ... Given that one can log off from SL and seek professional help for difficulties in regard to a virtual relationship, I do believe psychological abuse in virtual worlds to be more self abuse than abuse by someone else. So yes, I do believe abuse in SL is real, I just think we disagree on who is doing the abusing.

A HUGE component of the psychological abuse of a domestic partner is fear ... fear of physical torture, fear of sexual abuse, fear of being tossed out and being homeless, of being financially dependent on the abuser, of being isolated and alone, fear of being screamed at, fear of being humiliated in the community, fear of seeking help and being turned away.

Much, if not all of that is easily avoided in SL. If someone can't avoid it here, then the abuse is self inflicted.

People LOVE to treat other people like dirt in SL, I've seen it, I've been treated like dirt, and likely, to some people's minds, treated others badly, though I have really tried not to do that. And it is easy to inadvertently treat someone badly because people in SL tend to jump into relationships first and ask questions later (one of several reasons I no longer have intimate relationships in SL for almost 4 years). But there are plenty in SL who love to play head games and power trip on others because they can and it gives them a charge. Someone like that is a jerk, I think. But someone who keeps going back to someone like that is inflicting the abuse on herself (or himself as the case may be).

Most RL abuse does not take place because of mental health issues suffered by the person abused, it is about power and control over another person. It is far easier in SL to take back that power and control from an abuser than it is in real life, because in fact, much of it in SL is illusionary.

If someone cannot do that, then yes, it is that person's problem and the abuse is self inflicted. On mental health forums, one can see warnings in the headings of posts ... TRIGGERS ... meaning read at your own risk. If one is that easily triggered by words, being online in virtual communities and forums (without any sort of "safety net") is not a good idea. If someone's self esteem is so very low as to allow a cartoon partner to intimidate or abuse her, having romantic relationships in SL really is not that great an idea.

To clarify, I'm not talking here about someone who is taken advantage of, toyed with,  or treated like garbage by a partner, is emotionally devastated, and ends the relationship. I'm talking about someone who keeps going back to a virtual partner who treats her (or him) badly, plays head games, etc. 

And yes, there is far more support in place to assist women who are the victims of abuse than there are men. One reason for that tends to be that laws have historically favored men. Up until very recently in the state where I live, a man could beat his wife in order to discipline her, and in many states in the US, women are still, essentially, the property of their husbands. Men who are abused have a difficult time receiving assistance other than advocacy. There are shelters and organizations that assist gay men being abused by their domestic partners but those are few and far between. Unfortunately, straight men tend to be on their own, and those who are abused by their female partners tend not to come forward because of the humiliation factor, the lack of support, the idea that a "real man" wouldn't allow a woman to push him around. I've taken calls from men who are being abused, it is not a nice feeling to tell them sorry, there is no network in place to genuinely help them get away from an abuser, and problem solving with them is more along the lines of referring them to lawyers and explaining restraining orders to them.

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According to a gay male friend of mine in SL, the reason many women do not go for nice guys is because we sense, but don't grasp an undercurrent to self proclaimed nice guys (not genuine nice guys, the ones who describe themselves as nice guys and wonder why women don't want to date them)  which he expressed as one of self pitying, entitled, testosterone fueled "nonsense" and that these nice guys aren't really nice, they're women hating so and sos who don't take responsibility for their own problems or mistakes and blame everyone else for them. They just want to oh, what will get past the filter here ... "know" women in the Biblical sense because they're randy and resent women who don't fall down and roll over for such activities. Women, being more in tune with human intuition, sense this and avoid any self described "nice guy." Wow, the filter really gutted that, his opinion was far more visceral (ok that was a pun, gutted and visceral, sorry, couldn't resist).

It's a cynical view of "nice guys" and I haven't given it much time or consideration, I just thought it was an interesting take on it ... that women don't go for nice guys because we intuitively see through a facade.

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can you clarify the difference between a dominant men "i am right and you do whatever i want because i am better than you" and an abuser "i am right and you do whatever i want because i am better than you"?

i find it sad that some woman think they have less rights than a man just because of the genre they are born, something they didnt choose, they grow up convinced by the false propaganda that this male dominant system has influenced over them during their lives, and they think that if a man dont consider himself higher than them he is not a real men, im sure those women would be happy living in the era when they didnt have the right to vote, to have education, to drive, to go out of their homes, to defend themselves against beatings. its sad that some women see themselves lower than men, and think they deserve to be treated with less rights, and what is even worse, they require the man to be like that.

its like if a person believed that because of the color of their skin they deserved to be treated worse and have less rights and demand to be treated like trash because of him/her race. discrimination for any difference in characteristics is just wrong.

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consented abuse.

that may be what Lucretia is talking about, self abuse, self discrimination, the difference may be that both are participants of the discrimination, seeing one characteristic of a person as a reason for that person to be less than the other.

the fact that both are participant dont make it any better, in fact, it makes it even worse, two persons thinking that way.

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No you are wrong. D/s is a contract between two people in love, it involves an exchange of power but it is like any other contract it can be voided, it can be annulled. Your surmise is in ignorance I feel, you  have not seen what is possible and until you do any views you share are without a base

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if you are in love with someone you dont want that someone to be less than anyone, you want that someone to be treated the best it can be treated, with respect and dignity, and specially you dont want to be the reason that person has a worst life than it could achieve.

i cant see myself making the life of someone i love more miserable just for my entertainment.

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ok for the purposes of this argument I am going to share my experiences.  There is a class of man out there that is different. They are not loud, they don't seek any attention. They know themselves so well, they are Masters. They have honour and wisdom and the don't have to enforce their will, it simply is.

this type of man is and will be dependent on a woman that feels to her core her femininity, it just is, when they meet and it works it is beauty,

you know I feel a certain level of decorum from you and I have tried to explain, just I know that there are many that would agree with me..its not about right and wrong, it just is

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a man must also be just to have dominion over himself, to not fall in the insecurity and weakness of the need to have power over other person to feel himself worthy. if a man feels the need to have power over another person, he is not a master, he is just pretending to be one to hide his insecurities.

what i find hard to understand of your reasoning is how abuse towards woman because of their gender is just the way it is meant to be.

 

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Canoro Philipp wrote:

a man must also be just to have dominion over himself, to not fall in the insecurity and weakness of the need to have power over other person to feel himself worthy. if a man feel the need to have power over another person, he is not a master, he is just pretending to be one to hide his insecurities.

what i find hard to understand of your reasoning is how abuse towards woman because of their gender is just the way it is meant to be.

 

Who said that the woman has to be the "abusee" IE the submissive one? I know plenty of male submissives that engage in what you would call and abusive relationship. Are you saying it is wrong for a man to dominate a woman but ok for a woman to dominate a man? Or even a man dominating another man?

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Leia36 wrote:

No you are wrong. D/s is a contract between two people in love, it involves an exchange of power but it is like any other contract it can be voided, it can be annulled. Your surmise is in ignorance I feel, you  have not seen what is possible and until you do any views you share are without a base

D/s is a contract between at least two people.. Love does not have to enter into it.

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i dont agree with abuse either, it is the reasoning of Leia36 that certain people deserve to be abused because they were born with certain characteristics.

domination is abuse, is a lack of respect for the other person dignity, is to impose your opinion on another, seeing the other person as stupid because that person thinks different than you, its ignorance that makes the dominator believe that is better than the other person, ignoring that the other person can be better in some things that the dominator can not do, therefore, asuming a false concept that the dominator must be in a higher standing.

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taking out rights from another person is abuse, it is diminishing another person dignity, it is the perception that the other person deserves to be treated unfairly and badly, therefore those actions towards that person are being performed, it doesnt matter if its consent or not, causing pain on another person body is physical abuse, therefore BD/SM is abuse.

as adults we can decide to be abusers, but that doesnt make it right.

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Canoro Philipp wrote:

taking out rights from another person is abuse, it is diminishing another person dignity, it is the perception that the other person deserves to be treated unfairly and badly, therefore those actions towards that person are being performed, 
it doesnt matter if its consent or not, causing pain on another person body is physical abuse, 
therefore BD/SM is abuse.

as adults we can decide to be abusers, but that doesnt make it right.

What rights are being taken away?

If two people decide on what they want to do and decide on safewords, which all D/S relationships have, where is it your business?

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Canoro Philipp wrote:

the right to be treated justly.

youre right, people can be however they want to be, they can be mass murderers and is not of my business.

how about the right not to be judged on their preferences?  you didn't seriously compare a D/s relationship to a mass murderer, did you?

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people have the right to judge others, as long as they dont try to enforce their opinions on others everything is allright.

i didnt compare BDSM abusers to mass murderers, i stated that people can be however they want, and is not of my business as long as it doesnt affect me.

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IMHO  girls (especially the younger ones) don't like "nice guys" because they buy into the sterotype that nice guys

are dull and boring.  They like the "bad boys ' because they offer "naughtyness, excitment, adreneline rushes,

passion,  etc , etc. "   I think one of the problems is depending on the mental maturity  not physical maturity of the girls that they are still in the phase of rebellion and bucking authority and of course  in the culture today drugs  are very popular and  drugs take away inhibitions and give you "bravado " about doing things that you normally wouldn't do .


People seem to forget and many maybe haven't learned yet is that most  things in life have two sides and you get both of them.   So when the "bad boys" trun abusive by this time the  girls are usually addicted to them  physically, mentally, emotionally .  Addictions are hard to give up .  It doesn't matter what kind addiction it is ... love, sex, drugs, alcohol, abuse, cirgarettes, gambling, etc


As a person matures, they usually look for more stability  and find out that " being nice"  doesn't necessarly mean being dull or boring.  Many nice people are intelligent, interesting, fun, exciting, considerate  etc etc.    and make for better

life partners than the  "wild ones ".   


Of course, some people never grow  up.......:-) (mentally ):womanlol:

You have seen the women in the   40- 50's on shows like Jerry Springer or Maurry who are still trying to dress, look, act,

party like their daughters.  Even date the daughters boyfriends.   Their maturity level probably stopped about   19 if it ever got that far....

Oh well......most people do what they want  no matter how much good advice or guidence they get.  It is just more fun to

be naughty.

 

 

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