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Longevity of your relationship(s) Gor vs SL


Leia36
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Last night we were discussing relationships in SL. Following the closing of a Gor sim we used to frequent, the majority of the people on the sim walked away from SL Gor for lots of different reasons. Finding a new sim for us turned out to be almost impossible, timezones, and that delicate balance between BtB RP and lifestyler are not easily replicated. Most of us returned to M/s and that's when a new drama surfaced. Couples that had been happy for years broke up, most for a short while, people swapped, love triangles etc, all in the space of a few weeks. Happily this mostly did not affect me but close friends where at a loss for a while, some almost left SL entirely, disillusioned. Things have settled back down now but the situation as it was has left me thinking.

How long does the average love relationship last in gor and out of gor? I will be posting this on The Gor-SL forum and on the main SL forums. I will attempt to collate the two. This is by no means scientific, however the results could be interesting. Any love relationship please, also what style of SL gor you are primarily involved in (BtB, GE, lifestyler etc) Non Gor RP replies are most welcome

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In developers meeting with the Lindens a few years ago they said their statistics show that a relationship in SL overall lasts on average 3 months.  From my own observation, I don't think this has changed much. However there are of course exceptions. 

I know couples in SL whose relationships have lasted for years and are sill going stong, including my own.  None are involved in Gor.

All of my relationships in life have been as equals.   M/s or Dom/sub is ok for some, as long as both are consenting adults, but I could never have a relationship like that.  I like strong independent men that like an equally strong and independent woman.  I have an open mind and can be persuaded with facts and logic and sometimes in the interest of love, but I will allow no one to tell me what to do or lay any restrictions on me.

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I don't think I can provide much useful data for your number-crunching; seeing as SL-Gor takes place in SL, I think it's too difficult to separate those that fail due to SL and those that fail due to SL-Gor (and of course, not excluding those that fail for every other reason).

I was in a long (18 months or so?) hetero M/s relationship, with me as the 's'. We rooted the dynamic in BtB Gor, but diverged a little as things went along. Both of us were unimpressed with SL-Gor at the time (this was 2008 - 2009) and, with only a couple of exceptions, stayed away from any other Gor influences (aside from the knowledge we were already using). We withdrew into a private space where we could enjoy our own definitions, and decide for ourselves how we would relate. The relationship ended up crossing into RL significantly, but was called to an end as my life changed. We parted ways amicably, however, and he affected my life greatly.

The majority of my other SL relationships (non-Gor) have been shorter than this, with a couple of notable exceptions. Some follow a similar path, and I've never really 'gone back' to look at SL-Gor. As I say I don't think SL-Gor was responsible for either the success or failure of it, and my experience shows to me that Gor-based relationships are at least as likely to be fun, meaningful and passionate as any other variety.

Hope that helps!

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Thank you Freya

On both forums I have recieved  good answers initaily, a few annecdotes and a few surprises. Your relationship sounds a lot like mine, we are primarily what they term cacooners, we really only RP between the two of us now days and elements of gor are used in RL. I understand and i am sorry yours didnt work out.

I am also upset that on the gor forum the usual hard as nails RPers chose to jump down my throat about my question and turn it which was really only out of interest, into a "its only RP thread"

Thank you but I think this thread is doomed to faliure *shrugs cant say I didn't try.

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Also, I should add!

The 3 months figure, as far as I know, would only include Partnerships. There's obviously no way for anyone (LL or otherwise) to get more information, especially among the somewhat large SL population who never partner, or partner for reasons other than romantic love.

I wouldn't use it as a metric, considering the poor definition of that count.

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Leia36 wrote:

Thank you Freya

On both forums I have recieved  good answers initaily, a few annecdotes and a few surprises. Your relationship sounds a lot like mine, we are primarily what they term cacooners, we really only RP between the two of us now days and elements of gor are used in RL. I understand and i am sorry yours didnt work out.

It's a pleasure! I love talking about myself >.>

Maybe! I know you've shared previously that you mix things up, and I think that's cool. There's not much fun (in my view, anyway) re-living things that've already been written or decided. To clarify, I've never had a period where just the two of us RP'd together; we shared and spread our love around quite a few people. However I meant more that all of our RP took place in the 'hybrid' frame of referance that we developed, and remained separate from any 'source' of SL-Gor. I would also add that we never applied any kind of Gorean-anything into RL, simply because that's not something we would've coped with.


Leia36 wrote:

I am also upset that on the gor forum the usual hard as nails RPers chose to jump down my throat about my question and turn it which was really only out of interest, into a "its only RP thread"

Thank you but I think this thread is doomed to faliure *shrugs cant say I didn't try.

SL-Gor is what it is, and RP in SL has its problems too. I didn't see anything too severe on the Gor-SL website, but you would know considerably more about the culture and anything hidden between the lines, if you like.

 

 

It's easy to get things confused in any case, but I think your question has more merit than IC-only relationships. I have many friends involved in tabletop gaming, and many of their circles have lasted for times approaching decades. Roleplay in general creates excellent friendships, and as I saw someone say, the most common type of relationship in SL is friendship.

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Before I post my opinion on this I have to explain my backgorund a bit:

I'm a passionate roleplayer. I have participated in many different roleplaygames...always six months or longer in each charactersetting. I haven't played Gor itself (mainly because I don't like the setting at all), but relationships are always part of every roleplay.

And here I want to come to the point why I think that Gor and SL are NOT compareable when it comes to relationship. Gor should be only ROLEPLAY. Anything else is a violation of seperating incharacter from out of character and its the main reason for drama. Anything bad that happens to the character as a logical consequense of the roleplay will be taken personal, if the relationship is not only charakterbased.

I said I haven't been in Gor, but I think I can compare it a little bit with the roleplay I had...and my personal knowledge is that everyone there would have run away as soon as people develope deep real feelings because there are romantic parts in it. I have to admit I find this whole lifestyler-thing scary and weird. Gor is based on the idea of women being weak and less worth....its ok for a roleplay setting, but not good as a lifestyle. Also I really have to say lifestyler should keep themselves out of any roleplay sim or create some which are made for them, if they can't seperate IC ond OOC.

Thats the only fair way for both, the people expecting to play and those expecting to live.

(God...I just got to think of my time as a Sith, I wouldn't have wanted my servant to get mad just because my character threaded her character bad...):matte-motes-confused:

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Hm. So many points and concepts. I do think it will be hard to come up with any reliable trends regarding this. As was pointed out, too many people don't partner through LL, or partner for reasons other than romance, then add   the polyamourous and the polygamists who don't list anyone due to only having one space....  

Yes, there's the knee jerk reaction on my part to say "yeah, it does seem that a lot of people become more deeply connected in Gor", but how anecdotal is that? And where is the independent measure of what "deeply connected" is? And are they really? Or is it the perception of someone from the outside? Ration would say  that if they were that "deep" then surely a change in environment should not cause a cataclysmic change in how they interact and feel about one another. Is the "relationship" then blown up on the air of roles?

And even as I write it I want to say "ouch".

Because I'm in that group that most people will call a "lifestyler".

And saying it seems to be saying they "only have a relationship if he's the Jarl and she's the slavegirl he favors"/is only a surface relationship/ essentially its "just sex" and that is not what I'm suggesting.

I AM questioning however that maybe people fall apart, or things rattle, because they aren't "lifestylers", or to be more accurate with it , haven't figured out how much the power dynamics -nonsexual- DO need to be a part of their regular lives outside of Gor or any other "play" environment for them to be satisfied?

I've heard one population of people say "its all rp in there, so of course you wouldn't have a real life value system or way of life that says person a is in any way subordinate to person b in real life." And yet I know that while it may not be the extreme of wanting to legalize the enslavement of anybody, some people DO have real world value systems where power is something they feel should not be equally held. (And not all of em men.) Those people go into Gor too. They are very much aware of the line between IC and OOC.  ALL of the people in Gor are subject to developing attractions and desires for others they rp with.  Happenns in every single MMOG, or RP I've ever been in and none of the ones I'm thinkin about were inside SL. The trick then is talking to the other person; is it rp or is it past that. And if its past that then they need to talk about what they really want out a partner/or romantic liason, even if that liason will be strictly cyber,  in terms of the power displacements. Is there one?  Which person wants one? Do both? What exactly ARE that other persons OOC, rl values? Why do you want to know that? Because its going to tell you what they are going to want out of you. And tell you how they are desiring to interact with you.   And it could be that thats what doesn't happen.

But thats just my thinking .

 [edited out digression at the end]

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An interesting response all round despite the backlash that occurred from certain people. As for any data that might be found, it seems not very useful considering that not many non goreans have replied as of yet.

Again the 'Its only RP' players had their say off topic on the other forum, however that was not the point of the OP. My friends and I have discussed this at length and we are of the mind that strictly RP gor is sometimes abused by RPers with agendas other than RP. People who want to abuse or be abused to quote a song. We are of a mind that Gor is also about romance and that love is an eminently human condition and bound to occur, even in RP.

I fully agree with Sinfuls summation of the way SL gor works. He has cleared up a few things and perhaps for a few others. Thank you Sinful.

I encourage others to post their stories, all are welcome.

@Syo, *hugs and thanks for your thoughts. Like Sinfil I find myself not entirely comfortable with role play and had someone demand I classify what we have in Gor (I use alts for gor RP) it is lifestyler based, though only part time, mainly with a group of friends but also BtB. We have all shied away from Gor these past few weeks following the closing of our sim.

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Leia36 wrote:

@Syo, *hugs and thanks for your thoughts. Like Sinfil I find myself not entirely comfortable with role play and had someone demand I classify what we have in Gor (I use alts for gor RP) it is lifestyler based, though only part time, mainly with a group of friends but also BtB. We have all shied away from Gor these past few weeks following the closing of our sim.

It seems to me that it is a special problem of Gor to attract many many people who want anything....but not real roleplay.

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Leia36 wrote:

Nothing is absolute for me in RP. my RL will make an impact and for that I make no apologies.

Thats up to you. If I meet such a person in the roleplay I participate in I mute them, block them and ignore what ever comes from them as soon as I notice their intentions.

Its poision for every roleplay if people start to play themselves.

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That's great Dee I am really happy for you and your partner :) unfortunately so far on both forums my OP has devolved into a debate about IC/OOC which was not my intent. Although it is debated far more politely here. But there are a surprising number of lasting relationships in Gor and that was what I was really after. Keep them coming

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You know Sol just maybe it is because those that chose Gor already have an idea of the life style they wish to have. This in turn may result in them being more secure in commitment. As an example how many Gor residents go out of their way to make others miserable or just harassing at random on the "feeds" /my/secondlife.com, I haven't seen any.....hugs

 

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I'm what you would call a lifestyler. I looked at Gor when I first came to SL over 4 years ago, because I was familiar with the books and found it wasn't for me. I have a problem interacting with other doms.

I've had 5 what would be considered long term relationships in SL. The first was a M/s relationship that lasted for a year and was terminated by me because of topping and unreasonable jealousies. the second was a dolly/owner relationship that lasted 3 months and was terminated because the dolly was undependable (that one turned into a friendship that slowly faded away).

The next was a M/s relationship with a Gor based chat RPer that came to SL to see what it was like. She stopped coming to SL after about 3 months, I think because she was unhappy with the ability to use animations instead of using chat to simulate the action. These were not the slex anims.

The next was a 2 month D/s relationship and broke up for reasons I don't want to go into.

And finally my current relationship which is in it's third year. We are in a DD/bg relationship, for you that don't know what that is, just call it D/s. Our relationship is going strong and we couldn't be happier.

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  • 4 weeks later...

I'm not sure opinions really matter, people meet what they are meant to meet, and what their mind allows. From what I've seen in SL & Gor from 5 years of experience it's about the same, relationships don't last, people getting together RL is RARE but it does happen. Best to just enjoy the moment and realize what is now might not be forever, or in 3 months time lol. I actually think 3 months is a pretty fair assessment from what I've noticed.

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  • 5 weeks later...
  • 2 months later...

Well, for me, I have had a Gorean relaitonship as slave for about 7/8 months at most before having to leave him due to his age being far too young for me (and I was only 19/20 myself then).  The next longest usually last about thre months, so I can understand that, but I only partner if I am roleplaying as a Free. I have found that without the Master's phsyical presence, it is far harder to leave your life and play court to pixels - but, perhaps that is just one of my own personal struggles.

However, I have found most of my dearest and nearest friends in-world in general have come out of these 'failed' romances; I think the natue of Gorean roleplay, with the fludity of slaves at least, makes it hard to have a rathr stable relationship, because in reality that needs more of an even exchange since in all reality, no one here is a real Gorean.

Outside of Gor, Ihad a relationship in-world for about a year but off/on, but I have relinquished that idea of a really strong relationship on SL. With such a creative and constnatly chagning atmosphere, I try to just enjoy the time I do have instead of getting overly serious too fast.

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  • 1 year later...

I know this is an older topic, but I will add my stats here for your knowledge.

I was in a regular ol' SL relationship that was not roleplay at all - I was my RL self in SL and he was his RL self in SL.  Prior to us meeting in RL (which I  believe was a mistake now), we were together in SL for roughly 3 months with the last 2 weeks of that time being partners. The partnership went on for another 4 months but I am not going to count it because those 4 months were spent actually having a 100% RL relationship.  

I don't know the length of how long it would have gone if we'd just stayedin SL, but I have a feeling I would have gotten bored and frusturated within another few months unless we changed and grew past some things. He wanted to  have SL sex alot and honestly, I was getting bored of it. That is one of the reasons I wanted us to get into RL, to see if that would be better.... it was at first. Then it wasn't.

Now you have my stats.

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