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NatashaSteele

Friendslist vaporizing after partnering

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Wich brings me to the question: Do men even have other male friends? (and a 'treehouse club' so to speak)  Somehow I wonder if a man in a group gets treated the same when he partners.

Miss my geek talk with my buddies, and most girls (not all) talk about stuff I ehhh ...

 

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NatashaSteele wrote:

Wich brings me to the question: Do men even have other male friends? (and a 'treehouse club' so to speak)  Somehow I wonder if a man in a group gets treated the same when he partners.

Miss my geek talk with my buddies, and most girls (not all) talk about stuff I ehhh ...

 

Men who get partnered can lose their female friends too. I actually see that happen way more often than females losing male friends. It's a two way street. I know you keep saying they didn't even hear you out, but you've also admitted you didn't want to hear them out either. You didn't give yourself a chance to be heard, and they didn't bother asking you to.

That said, I'm still of the camp that believes it takes two to tango and it takes two to make a relationship go south too(at least in 99% of relationships). Not that anything big has to be done, or said, by either party to make a friendship go south. Little stuff causes it too.

I'm not saying they didn't drop you because of being partnered, just saying you can't possibly know if you won't speak to them about it and outright ask. All you can do is guess that's the reason. And if you don't want to speak to them about it, how much did their friendship mean to you too? It's probably not much of a loss for either of you if it's so easily chucked aside. So...don't worry about it :D It's easier not to care why people do what they do, sometimes.

 

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Hahahah in that case Their loss. case closed.  Since I am too stubborn to go IM people asking explanations after they delete me just like that. If someone deletes me that fast... they are the weakest link GOODBYE :)

 

 

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NatashaSteele wrote:

Hahahah in that case Their loss. case closed.  Since I am too stubborn to go IM people asking explanations after they delete me just like that. If someone deletes me that fast... they are the weakest link GOODBYE
:)

 

 

Then why do you care?

 

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I know lots of people try to maintain opposite sex relationships after getting serious with one person, and in my experience I’ve never seen it work. My advice is if you decide to get married or partner, have all the same sex friends you want, but give up on opposite sex relationships. They will always be a issue causing problems with your partner.

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Ajoajo wrote:

 

I know lots of people try to maintain opposite sex relationships after getting serious with one person, and in my experience I’ve never seen it work. My advice is if you decide to get married or partner, have all the same sex friends you want, but give up on opposite sex relationships. They will always be a issue causing problems with your partner.

That's terrible advice, lol. I have plenty of male friends. Not a single one of them is an issue whatsoever. Just as I don't cause them any with their partners(be it female or male). In fact I'm pretty sure a lot of people have opposite sex friends that feel the same. Acting as if it can't possibly work out, is exactly why people believe it can't. That's not even remotely true. If someone dumps you as a friend for getting partnered, somehow finds it weird, or causes issues, they were probably not really a friend to begin with. So it should be no loss to chuck that friendship. Anyone who actually is a friend, won't cause issues or even take issue with you being partnered. It's absurd to think all or most people should, or would. That's selling humanity pretty short, if you ask me. We're not all that shallow, lol.

 

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Someone asked me why I care about this.

 

Well I asked in my opening post if this is a phenomenon people recognise. I was flabbegasted by it because I had an active social life on SL and saw it vaporize into thin air just like that. It made me scratch behind my ear and wonder if this is a common thing.  I am also having trouble it seems finding same sex friends here. Sometimes when I go places it seems all people care about is dating and I surely hope that thats not the only purpose of SL hehe. Funny thing is I had this convo with my former male friends a lot. We wondered why everybody was so focussed on that and they said basically they liked me for the fact I was actually talking and conversing instead of trying to hit on them. LOL. And then I made the stupid mistake considering them 'friends'and thinking because of that they liked hanging around with me.

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I think the reason why he/she said it because of jealousy issues. They obviously had issues in the past with he said she said so in her opinion it's best to avoid that drama altogether. I still disagree with the statement because if someone were ever to break my wall and make me partner they would surely have my complete trust and we would already went through but we expect our of each other.

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NatashaSteele wrote:

Someone asked me why I care about this.

 

Well I asked in my opening post if this is a phenomenon people recognise. I was flabbegasted by it because I had an active social life on SL and saw it vaporize into thin air just like that. It made me scratch behind my ear and wonder if this is a common thing.  I am also having trouble it seems finding same sex friends here. Sometimes when I go places it seems all people care about is dating and I surely hope that thats not the only purpose of SL hehe. 
Funny thing is I had this convo with my former male friends a lot. We wondered why everybody was so focussed on that and they said basically they liked me for the fact I was actually talking and conversing instead of trying to hit on them. LOL. And then I made the stupid mistake considering them 'friends'and thinking because of that they liked hanging around with me.

Well, this is the perfect definition of a Player.  They say what you want to hear, parrot your values & ideas, flatter you for things that they feel set you apart from all the other's in an attempt to make you feel 'unique', etc. etc.  This is really no different than the player in rl but since SL is the perfect environment for such people, they thrive.  One of the humorous traits of such a person is that they usually have pet names ie babe, sugar, angel, etc.  They usually have so many on the string that it's much easier to call them all by the same endearment than to actually have to remember your name. 

The giveaway of their intentions is clear when you partnered.  You are no longer vulnerable and available.  So they waste no time, unfriend & continue on.  You were most likely one of many such friends. 

Bottom line is that you are lucky to be rid of them.  A true friend of course would never have done this.

All of this of course is just my opinion and nothing more. 

 

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NatashaSteele wrote:

 

I am also having trouble it seems finding same sex friends here. Sometimes when I go places it seems all people care about is dating and I surely hope that thats not the only purpose of SL hehe.

That is a common perception of SL but it is not true.  There is so very much more to SL.  It is a virtual world with no limits on what to do, experience, enjoy, etc. Think RL without geographical and travel issues.  You can travel to anyplace in the world, travel back to another era in time, travel forward to the future, even travel to mythological locales.

The friends one has in SL is often an outgrowth of what one is involved with in SL.  When I first came to SL I was in a specific rp environment and all my friends were people I met within that same rp.  After a couple of months I got a SL job to pay my portion of rent and became friends with people I met at the job; in fact, I partnered a man I met at that job.  We were partnered for three years and, since he and I loved to explore SL together, I gradually became less involved with the rp and spent more time him but still maintain friendships with some of the people I met in the rp.

We loved going dancing and through that met a couple that became our close friends.  The man was a DJ; by following him to his various gigs we met and became friends with some of his friends and fans.  My partner and I also loved visiting Victorian sims and met people there.

Then I began teaching in SL.  Several of the instructors I met at that school are on my friends list four years later.  In 2008 I decided to try my hand at building and began taking a lot of building classes and kept running into many of the same people in the various classes.  Learning to build led to my starting a fledgling business.  Coming to the fourms and reading posts by other merchants re: tips and suggestions for running a SL business led to in world friendships with some people from that group. One has become one of my best friends with whom I interact outside of SL.

The recent friends I have made are largely from participating on the Merchant Forums.  I have had some in world conversations with people I first saw posting on the SL forums in general as well.

Basically, anything you enjoy doing in SL, anyplace you hang out is where you can find like-minded people.  Think of an activity or hobby you enjoy and start doing that or find a group that does.  Even if initially you are going solo, I bet you'll meet others who enjoy the same thing. :)

 

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If you would like my opinion, (I think someone else has already said something similiar) if I was in your position, I would not care. If they suddenly decide that you are no longer worth talking to / hanging out with, that is totally their own decision.

Talk about throwing away all those good times huh? Good riddance...

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Most will friend you in hopes to gain something from you instead of just friendship. When I partnered my partner half my so called friends left my list as soon as they saw his name in my box. It's kinda funny if you think about it, I made the so called friends 2 years before partnering, none of them were sexual in any way nor did I flirt with them or lead them on, but it's really about the male SL ego. I am more selective as to who I allow on my list these days for that very reason.

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I seem to have more male friends then female friends myself. But the friends I do have, all know I'm not into SL Dating. or hell even RL Dating. I enjoy being single and have learned that if it's meant to happen it will happen, I guess in a way I'm the shadow they see on their list, then often have to message me to make sure I'm alive, I respect everyone's time in SL, and don't bother them, but yet I have a few on my list that seem to feel the need to mass TP for the oddest things, and post those random "MASS TP" Messages in the box to TP someone, and get upset when I don't respond, or accidently hit the "X" button on my viewer, as I do that often when I'm not currently inside SL and have an open browser. I'll end up double clicking and getting yelled at for it later. (shrugs) Most of my friends are guys as well, and we talk about video games, music, movies, our rl pets (dogs mostly), and just hang out at various places for a bit, then go off and do our own thing.

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In my opinion, men are just naturally jealous; it doesn't even have to be a sexual relationship.  We are very territorial, and when someone steps inside that territory, we get annoyed.

 

Not stating this as a fact, but this is what I noticed as a man myself and from the patients I talk to from my RL job.

 

 

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Perhaps they are worried about it being 'innapropriate' to be hanging out with another guy's 'woman'... some guys are like that. They're pre-emptively avoiding drama with your 'man'.

But a lot of times, single people don't feel comfortable hanging out with couples, and vice versa. And you're suffering the blunt end of this.

Have him friend them if you want them back, along with you, and whoever they are dating.

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I  think it might be that while your single, even though you and your male friends aren't "going there" (as in going past that friendship level) there is always the possibility (even if it never happens) and even that makes some people happy. After you have a partner it messes with the illusion ya know?

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it's possible that a number of things happened, but real friends won't dump you for no reason.  I wonder if you can contact them and ask why you were removed.  Anyone worth the friendship will answer you and you can talk things over.  Otherwise then they probably weren't real friends to begin with.

I'm basing this from my own RL experience because people will act the same in SL for the most part, but some people do think that when you partner up you no longer have time for friends or single friends or even they don't have a partner so it makes them somewhat envious and so they unfriend you rather than look at how happy you are.

Something else that can happen is that your new partner somehow told them off, not as likely but if your partner isn't who they claim to be or has a reputation in sl that might make your friends stop talking to you.  

or even another option is that they were your friends just from hoping to hook up with you and when that didn't happen, they decided to move on.

Again the best advice i can give you is try to discuss why they dumped you as a friend.  If they refuse to answer then they weren't real friends to start with.  If they answer than you have your chance to talk things over and maybe re-acquire them to your friend list

 

good luck to you

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Well here we are a couple of weeks later and what I did is I got a hobby and started some photography on a small base plus I got more active in the SL feed so now I am making new friends in diffrent places that don't bite my head off for having a partner. I guess the places I hung before (clubs, some adult some PG) are naturally more of a breeding ground for people with hidden agendas and want more than just friendship.

Two friends from the past admitted they indeed were jealous.. since they did want an exclusive partnership themselves but it was a bit like now someone else did step up and sweep me off my feet they were like dang that could have been me. Well I said I was dissapointed in their initial reaction but ocasionally I hang out with them because I do like the fact they were candid about it in a later stage.

 

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From past experiences, when a female friend that a guy may be interested in says she does not want sex or a relationship in SL and just wants "friends" we take that at face value, spend time with her, bonding and building a serious friendship. When the  "Then I meet this coolio guy and we decide to give it a go" happens, they feel betrayed and rather than cause a scene they quietly leave. They see some guy just scoop you up and they feel used.

just my opinion based on it happening to me.

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I hear what you are saying... but in my case I was the one that was open for it but they made clear to me they did not want a GF so I stuck with the friends thing because i liked them as a person and not just as potential dating material. Guess I was just a toy to them they didnt wanna play with anymore till someone else did want it and they got pissed/jealous at that.


(ps I see your tagline... TARDIS :matte-motes-inlove:)

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But it's even worse when they know you are open for something like that, and in the end after you spend all that time together, building at least a good foundation to a start of a possible relationship in the end you get this infamous saying , "Listen, I like you alot, and yes even love you, but I love you like a brother/sister" In my case, I get told " I love you but as a sister" WOW talk about being floored a few dozen times on that alone....So hence, I haven't given up, I just find making friends is better for me, and sticking to that only.

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