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NatashaSteele

Friendslist vaporizing after partnering

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Anyone recognises this? You THINK you have cool friends in SL and the moment you partner and log on.... one after the other suddenly deletes you or doesn't speak to you. I am kind of a tomboy and I had a lot of male friends. Sometimes I went dancing or clubbing with them or we just hung in IM. They all treated me as one of the guys and made very sure they weren't into dating. That was fine with me because neither was I. Then I meet this coolio guy and we decide to give it a go. I expected nothing to change because I wasnt having a sexual relationship with my friends... and to my big surprise they ditch me by the side of the road. Makes me wonder... what the hell is up with that. I thought they didnt see me like that in the first place. I am partnered, not terminally ill haha. And its not contageous either. Poor choice in who I call 'friends' ?  Or is this something that happened to others too. It gets rather boring if people stop talking to me now I am partnered haha.

 

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That's an interesting one.  I've heard of people who are jealous of former love interests of their new partner and ask the partner to defriend  *them.* (At the risk of stereotyping, mostly by females requesting this of male partners.)  Have also heard of women who were dating a man and defriends him when he partners because the woman was hoping for that.  But have rarely heard men doing this, especially when there was no romantic involvement.

Years ago I knew a man who had been partnered to a woman for around 4 years.  They split, but in a very sneaky, drama-laden way on the man's part. (Avatars who the woman had never met began sending her photos of women "with" her partner.  When the woman asked the man, he blew up and said "It's just like you to make a big deal out of this."  I knew the couple well and the woman was a very quiet, calm type.)

Within 48 hours, if not sooner, of the woman departnering the man, he was re-partnered - to her best friend of 4 years.  Even worse, someone this woman knew in RL.  To increase the drama level, the man had been involved in D/s years ago but regularly  professed no current interest in it in public chat. (A group of us went dancing together a lot.)  Not only did he partner his former partner's best friend in SL/RL, he became the new partner's "Dom."

This guy's friend list dropped like a lead balloon very rapidly, even amongst his male friends, due to the shabby way the guy went about getting rid of the former partner to partner the other woman.

Except for those two situations, I've never heard of partnering causing friends to ditch someone.   Have you asked any of they guys about it?

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NatashaSteele wrote:

Anyone recognises this? You THINK you have cool friends in SL and the moment you partner and log on.... one after the other suddenly deletes you or doesn't speak to you. I am kind of a tomboy and I had a lot of male friends. Sometimes I went dancing or clubbing with them or we just hung in IM. They all treated me as one of the guys and made very sure they weren't into dating. That was fine with me because neither was I. Then I meet this coolio guy and we decide to give it a go. I expected nothing to change because I wasnt having a sexual relationship with my friends... and to my big surprise they ditch me by the side of the road. Makes me wonder... what the hell is up with that. I thought they didnt see me like that in the first place. I am partnered, not terminally ill haha. And its not contageous either. Poor choice in who I call 'friends' ?  Or is this something that happened to others too. It gets rather boring if people stop talking to me now I am partnered haha.

 

What I find amazing about this scenario is that others are actually checking your profile AND noticed the change in it? I have never ever heard of such a thing in SL before. You must leave an impact on others. Kudos!

 

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I understand about the 'clearing the weed'  part....just utterly surprised how much weed there was in my backyard apparently. I feel like I am just a toy to people... they dont wanna play with it but they get pissed if someone else does. I had a lot of friends I geeked around with. Sure there was some flirting and we danced. Some started out as a little more but went to the friends level after I made very clear I am not just a booty call. All fine. Guess they dont want me, but dont want anyone else to have me either. Also find it very hard to make new friends now. Its like the partner means RED FLAG to people when it comes to approaching me. To me having a partner does not mean at all I cant talk to others. He does not even expect me to. So its a big mystery to me why men apparently have problems with this since they didn't want to partner in the first place. Because if they don't wanna date me, why would they be bothered by the fact I have a partner?


This sucks. I go clubbing and people just dont talk to me anymore. But it does not make me doubt my partnership. He is not online a lot and I know he feels guilty about that but I said time and time again I rather be with him the few hours a week he can break free of RL and have a complete BLAST than that I waste my time on people who are apparently not worthy of my attention in the first place. (just saying incase he reads this... and hey HEY awesome Electric we RULE okay?? xoxox)

 

 

 

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YES I was surprised! Here is what happened.... I partnered and logged on and no **bleep**...within an hou (!!!?!!!)  6 people deleted me without a word.  It nearly blew my head off in surprise!


JohnMiddlefield wrote:



 What I find amazing about this scenario is that others are actually checking your profile AND noticed the change in it? I have never ever heard of such a thing in SL before. You must leave an impact on others. Kud

 

 

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Starting to wonder if some people get a notification of profile change in some viewer(s) like if some one changes their display name near you, otherwise they were just stalking freaks waiting their moment

Don`t worry about the red flag, from expirience i know it`s harder to talk to partnerd people as you don`t know how they or their partner think when it`s casual chat with some jokes, people might just have to get used to it from their perspective  ;)

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NatashaSteele wrote:

Anyone recognises this? You THINK you have cool friends in SL and the moment you partner and log on.... one after the other suddenly deletes you or doesn't speak to you. I am kind of a tomboy and I had a lot of male friends. Sometimes I went dancing or clubbing with them or we just hung in IM. They all treated me as one of the guys and made very sure they weren't into dating. That was fine with me because neither was I. Then I meet this coolio guy and we decide to give it a go. I expected nothing to change because I wasnt having a sexual relationship with my friends... and to my big surprise they ditch me by the side of the road. Makes me wonder... what the hell is up with that. I thought they didnt see me like that in the first place. I am partnered, not terminally ill haha. And its not contageous either. Poor choice in who I call 'friends' ?  Or is this something that happened to others too. It gets rather boring if people stop talking to me now I am partnered haha.

 

I had that happen too. I have always had male friend and some of them got down right mad at me when I got partnered even though I had made it clear to them in the past that I had no feelings for them except  friends.

Others just stop talking because they assume you are busy all the time.

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Alicia Sautereau wrote:

This is the first step to weed out the trash, you should be glad as you saw their real faces
:)

This^^

 

Each time I get deleted I LOL and say good riddance.

 

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Yes they just ASSUME I am busy all the time wich is so not the case since Elec has a busy RL and we hang out together 2 maybe 3 hours a week. All I tell my friends is IF he is online he obviously is my first priority because I wanna hang out with him the few moments we have.

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Those dudes were probably just 'friend zoning' it until you dropped your guard and they thought they could, yanno, hit it. LOL. Good riddance. If they're true friends, they'd stick around after you partner, right? Of course.

My SL husband is also my RL husband (cuz we're F'IN NERDS!) and we play SL together, so most of the time people pretty much have to take us as a package deal.

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I have seen this but not to the extreme  you are describing.

If I am with or talking with a friend I haven't seen or talked to in a while I will glance at their profile.

I don't cut any one off because they have partnered.  But I will ask them, "Are you certain being with me isn't going to cause you any trouble with your partner?"  There is sadly way too much jealousy in SL.

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Its sad to see you lost friends without a word, why didn't you ask one of them why they did it? I mean everyone deserves an answer. 

I know I don't check profiles so often, and have no idea how many of my friends are partnered, other than ones i know their partners. But none of us can judge others just by ourselves. 

I would chat with you if I found you interesting. If you mentioned your sl partner in every other sentence then I don't think so. And all that without checking the partner tab. 

You say your friends saw you as one of the guys, and then say there was some flirting... well guys don't really flirt with other guys;) We all have our unique ways of expressing what on our minds but if you're a girl that likes to have fun, that often leans forward or backward, that has wet clothes or anything, that scratches her body parts and so on.. that can be easily misunderstood. 

If you're happy with your SLife as it is now, why bother with people who defriended you? Its only few of them, right? So you probably have many more to hang out with while you wait for your partner to log. And if you miss flirting you had with those few well... I can't help you there... 

 

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What happened a lot is this: I met guys when I was single in SL and it started with flirting if you call it (not to be confused with instant sex) but when I figured out the guy was not interested in a romantic way I took it to the just friends zone. And the ones that remained on my buddylist were cool with that and became pals I geeked around with. They were relieved I wasnt on their case bout girly stuff and I thought it was all good. I asked one why he deleted me and his response was "you pretend to not care bout relationships and stff here, thought you were a free spirit and now you have a partner:good luck with that"  hmpff

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I agree. Guys I talk to are just friends.. until they find out I talk to other guys, then I become there enemy. They want to keep me all to them selves.  They are your "friends" with options until you became partnered and you took away there options and they didnt have a chance to hit it.

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I'm the last person to blame the woman, so to speak, despite what this might sound like. But it's entirely possible that you too are sending messages you don't realize you're sending to these men. I mean if you're losing friends on such a grand scale based solely on the fact that you've now partnered-or at least you're assuming so since you haven't asked them all. Maybe they did think there might have been more to your friendship than you thought. Maybe you weren't as clear with your intentions. Maybe they weren't as clear with their intentions either. Men and women can equally flirt with a relationship, or the idea of one, without actually expressing it verbally. It's entirely possible for men to be just as confused and messed up as we women can sometimes be when it comes to relationships. We're all human.

I've many male friends. Any who would drop me like a bad habit just for being partnered were likely not worth having in the first place, or at least wouldn't last. I have had people defriend me for all kinds of reasons, one did so after I got partnered. Not because I was partnered per se, but because our friendship was waning anyway, my time was spent with hubby more than anything, and we rarely talked even when I wasn't spending time with hubby. So, how long has it been since you spoke to all of the people that defriended you? Is it possible that's why they've defriended you and it just happens to coincide with your partnering date, or thereabouts? Did you spend a lot more time with your now partner before becoming so and stop hanging out with those other folks? Maybe even without realizing it. I've had lots of people defriend because we just didn't talk or hang out anymore. I don't take offense to it, it happens, lol. Friends come and friends go in sl as much as rl. I'm not someone who defriends for that reason, but I do respect that some people are. They like to keep their lists short and sweet, mostly to people they speak with or hang out with regularly. Maybe some of your guy friends fall into that category. Or maybe, just maybe you were spending less time with them, and they figured you moved on, so they should too. I know you say you spend very little time with your partner, but it is possible that little time happens to fall around the time any of these guys would normally hang out with you? If so, that might be the reason too. Not necessarily a fault on you, or them, really.

I don't know maybe I'm weird but I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that I'm all that and a bag of doritos, and so desired that dudes drop me like a bad habit the moment I'm off the market. That's how some of the posts come across, though it's probably not intentional. Personally I'd rather guess it's some other answer, but that's just me I suppose, lol. There very well may be guys who did just that, but I don't personally see a reason to assume they all did, not on that grand of a scale anyway. When people do defriend me, I see it as we both hand a hand in that friendship going south, neither more, or less. Unless something significant happened of course-which has only happened 3 times, for me.

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Can's say it has ever happened to me but it strikes me that the cause is one of two things.  They either were hoping for more from you and stayed friends thinking they may get you to change your mind, or they felt that staying friends with you might cause more jealousy drama than they want to deal with.  Either way its kind of shallow and so you are probably better off without them.  Seems to me a real friend would talk to you about any issues they have before they just dropped you.

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Well I always been clear bout my intentions. When I really liked someone I expressed that. But the men made very clear they were not looking for a GF (I guess they tried to keep their options open?) and I asked ok friends then? And that was fine. So my guess is that as soon as I partnered they thought OK she is no longer a possibility lets move on to the next. And no I dont intend to ask them about it. Figured they blew it the moment they deleted me without even hearing me out.

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I have heard this from many myself & have actually seen a version of this.  I call it the 'silent assumption'. 

Everyone comes to sl for  different reasons but IMO, there is a large population that seem to believe everyone is in sl for the SAME reason they are.  It's sorta like projection.

So what happens is, they approach you or you make them a friend, hang out etc. but the rest is unspoken as it is assumed you are both on the same page.  Then when you do or say or act in some way that is counterintuitive to what they believe the relationship is, they get angry, or passive aggressive or unfriend you.

I've had this happen many times over the years but not as a result of my partnership.  Usually it is based on miscommunicatoin or their assumptions.

 

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you dont understand man code

if a women becomes partnered... ie...virtually married

it aint cool to hang out with her anymore -

its respect men give each other

of couse scumbag men dont care - but those types of men are not the majority

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maybe it was a Singles Club, the strongest thing that united them was the fact that they were single, and once you get married you lost the membership, maybe that's why they accepted you, you filled one if the main requisite by letting them know you were not interested in a relationship, and now that you got married you betrayed that main rule and they have to separate from you, that partnership is like that bond that little boys make that they are not going to allow girls in the treehouse club, since you're a tomboy, you are allowed, you were almost like another boy, also is part of the male code, like OceanBird said, you separate yourself from your female friend after it gets married because men are territorial, they own the woman, you don't even dare to have flirty thoughts about the wife of another man, the separation shows the husband that you respect his boundaries, until you find out how much close you are allowed to be to his woman. maybe that's why is harder for new people to talk to you often too, don't knowing how is your relationship, and don't want to cause any jealousy trouble.

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Girrrl, they're just jelly.

Nah kidding, they might have seen you as someone they were considering pursing but now that you're taken they lost interest. For the best though, they don't sounds like good friends. :matte-motes-yawn:

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NatashaSteele wrote: “[...] Poor choice in who I call 'friends' ? 

Bingo. But don't blame yourself... if the other calls you 'friend' and treats you as such, you have no way to know better until something like this happens.

And yes, it does happen somewhat frequently.

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OceanBird wrote:

you dont understand man code

if a women becomes partnered... ie...virtually married

it aint cool to hang out with her anymore -

its respect men give each other

of couse scumbag men dont care - but those types of men are not the majority

Weeeelll thats nice of them. First of all I didnt marry, second of all I expect my 'friends' to hear me out first. I partnered but other than that we can still hang as friends. My SL partner has a busy RL so I am more without him than with him haha. Would get terribly boring if I cant dance, hang out and have fun with other friends. We are not glued to eachother. Too bad most guys think a partnered woman turns into instant goo.

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