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Vegro Solari wrote:

One can't help but wonder why don't women try to unravel their own minds first a little, before going for the male - for example, what is it in the woman's mind that makes her *entitled* to being told about someone else's partnerings or unpartnerings?  You're not this guy's mother, wife, or legal guardian just because you had some fun and went dancing before. Isn't it quite misguided to expect field reports from him? 

Then you go so far as to call everyone who doesn't report to you, a coward. Wonderful, loving attitude! If you had the guts to confront a decent guy with this, you should expect to be gently but firmly told as much, and know that you're risking all of the man's favour you may have earned over time, just by ever implying he's accountable to you. It could all be gone in the blink of an eye if he suspects you're already treating him as chattel in your mind.

 

That is exactly what I thought when I read the posts. I might spend time with a friend here and there, have fun, do things, chat - all those things. That does not mean I am accountable to that person in any way. I would certainly not feel obligated to tell them about a new love interest. If they want to know - they are welcome to ask - but if they came to me with an attitude - the conversation would be very  short :)

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Thank you everyone for the advice. Although so many mixed replies not sure which to take.

As a female pride and trying to keep all dignity means i really don't want to keep being the one to make the first move all the time. I dont think i overestimated his interest in me, i think there is something else going on for his reason he doesnt IM, but just cant figure out what.

You may well be right and he is one of those rare exceptional man, but i think i should mark this one up as yet another fail.

And yes im working on reverse physiology now, hoping that if i stop wanting him he might finally make some kind of move.

But i think right now its better for me to take a big step back and avoid being hurt.

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sweetie Jigsaw wrote:

Thank you everyone for the advice. Although so many mixed replies not sure which to take.

As a female pride and trying to keep all dignity means i really don't want to keep being the one to make the first move all the time. I dont think i overestimated his interest in me, i think there is something else going on for his reason he doesnt IM, but just cant figure out what.

You may well be right and he is one of those rare exceptional man, but i think i should mark this one up as yet another fail.

And yes im working on reverse physiology now, hoping that if i stop wanting him he might finally make some kind of move.

But i think right now its better for me to take a big step back and avoid being hurt.

A very good idea, sweetie. And IF it is meant to be, he'll IM you. If not, move on and enjoy everything that SL has to offer. :-)

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Heart Brimmer wrote:


Ohhhh, too true on the "wannabe Doms." GAH!!!!    Maybe these guys who poof then show up partnered have some subconscious desire to be found out.  Only logical reason I can come up with.  Other than sheer cowardice to tell the prior woman.

Yeeaaaaa, redheads unite!!! Actually there are a lot of "Redhead" groups in SL.  I was amazed at how many.  I knew there was a reason we were like-minded, Heart.
;)

 

Maybe you're right, Czari, maybe they DO want to get caught. I had long ago, given up on trying to unravel the mind of a male. lol. But, cowardice would be more accurate, I think. Maybe, I should look up the two guys that did this to me and ask them, "Why on earth, did you NOT just tell me you were partnered???" Do you think they would be honest, or tell me what they THINK I want to hear? Would be interesting to find out. 

There are Redhead groups in SL?? I did not know that, I am going to have to go inworld and check that out. And yep, like minded, that we are! :-)


Heart Brimmer wrote:


Ohhhh, too true on the "wannabe Doms." GAH!!!!    Maybe these guys who poof then show up partnered have some subconscious desire to be found out.  Only logical reason I can come up with.  Other than sheer cowardice to tell the prior woman.

Yeeaaaaa, redheads unite!!! Actually there are a lot of "Redhead" groups in SL.  I was amazed at how many.  I knew there was a reason we were like-minded, Heart.
;)

 

Maybe, I should look up the two guys that did this to me and ask them, "Why on earth, did you NOT just tell me you were partnered???" Do you think they would be honest, or tell me what they THINK I want to hear? Would be interesting to find out. 

 

Hi Heart :)  In my opinion you would most likely not get a straight answer from the men.  The guy in my experience actually IM'd me to "apologize" for not having spoken to me in awhile.  This would be the second time in 6 weeks he had IM'd to say the same thing after him initially dropping out of sight for 4 weeks.  When I said it was fine and I figured he had just found someone else he said, "No I have not (emphasis mine).  I just thought we were moving too fast and needed to slow it down some."  This was prior to me looking at his profile and discovering that he was partnered. Furthermore, he had met her approximately 6 weeks earlier *during* the time we were dating.  He ended this IM with, "I hope we can still be friends."  It was him saying this a second time that I found odd and prompted me to check out his profile.

I gave this guy an easy out.  He could tell by my conversation I wasn't upset (by that time I really had decided he'd found someone else and I was going on about my SL) so, imo, the most logical, not to mention honest, thing for him to have said was, "Yes, I did meet someone.  I hope we can remain friends" or something to that effect.  Instead, he flat out lied.

Trying to figure out men is beyond me as well.  In the last few years I've been blessed with some great male friends.  Sharing some of the experiences I've had and hearing their opinions has been very enlightening, and often completely opposite of how I had viewed the situation.

This discussion reminds me of a quote from the movie, "As Good As it Gets."  When an obsessive-compulsive author, brilliantly portrayed by Jack Nicholson, is asked how he writes women so well, he answers: "I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability."  Methinks that the shoe could be on the other foot in some cases. ;)

 

 

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Vegro Solari wrote:

One can't help but wonder why don't women try to unravel their own minds first a little, before going for the male - for example, what is it in the woman's mind that makes her *entitled* to being told about someone else's partnerings or unpartnerings?  You're not this guy's mother, wife, or legal guardian just because you had some fun and went dancing before. Isn't it quite misguided to expect field reports from him? 


I think you may have misread or misunderstood the situations Heart and I are discussing.  I won't speak for Heart (she does a great job of speaking for herself ;) ) but, in my case, this was not a guy I "...had some fun and went dancing..."  It was a guy I met dancing who then began IMing me on regular basis, the relationship deepened into "dating" and the guy went so far as to begin calling me "his woman." (I neglected to mention that in my previous posts on the subject.)  He purchased, in his words, "the most expensive gown he could find" for me and wanted to "show me off."  Not exactly the actions of a man I danced with once or twice.  After a couple of months of almost daily interaction,  including voice chats and cam on this side, by his choice, I abruptly heard nothing from him.

I agree with you that I would be "...misguided to expect field reports from him" and have said several times in this thread that this is not the way I personally choose to deal with men, ie. IMing men, even those with whom a "romantic relationship" has begun until and if it becomes exclusive to the point of partnering.  I did not contact this guy.  I truly expected not to hear from him, was going about my business, and then received an IM from HIM apologizing for not having contacted me in awhile.  My response was basically np. I was not upset, did not start questioning him, etc.  He IMs me again 2 weeks later and, this is my issue, lied to my face when I said I figured he'd found someone else.  THAT is the "cowardice" to which I personally refer.

No, I was not "entitled" to know how he was leading his SL.  Others may disagree with me on this due to the fact that we had become pretty much exclusive, based on his actions and words, but, as I've already stated and explained, at this point I personally did not feel "entitled" and thus I did not IM him or approach him in any way.


Vegro Solari wrote:

 

Then you go so far as to call everyone who doesn't report to you, a coward. Wonderful, loving attitude! If you had the guts to confront a decent guy with this, you should expect to be gently but firmly told as much, and know that you're risking all of the man's favour you may have earned over time, just by ever implying he's accountable to you. It could all be gone in the blink of an eye if he suspects you're already treating him as chattel in your mind.


I know this was your response to Heart, but I do call a man a coward who lies to my face when there was no need.  I agree that women should treat their men lovingly.  Neither Heart nor I "confronted" the guys.  Maybe you're referring to Heart's wondering if she "should" ask "Why didn't you tell me."  My response to her is above.  Both of us behaved as you think we should have...not playing the role of the men's mother or guardian, neither of us confronted the men, etc.  Not sure what your issue with Heart/me is.

The issue for me was being lied to.  Even then I did not "confront" the guy.  I made no contact with him whatsoever except for sending the lindens paid for the gown back to him.  Maybe you have issue with that; some of my friends even said, "Noooooo....keep the money."  My friends were responding in a protective "He owes you" attitude.  I could have not sent the money; the dress was a gift while we were dating, but, for me, since this guy lied to my face (starting to get the main point, yet?) I wanted nothing more to do with him, nor own anything he "provided" for me.  If he had been honest and said, "Yes I did meet someone" - no harm, no foul and when I wore the gown in future I would have remembered good times.

 

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Hi Heart
:)
  In my opinion you would most likely not get a straight answer from the men.  The guy in my experience actually IM'd me to "apologize" for not having spoken to me in awhile.  This would be the second time in 6 weeks he had IM'd to say the same thing after him initially dropping out of sight for 4 weeks.  When I said it was fine and I figured he had just found someone else he said, "No
I have not
(emphasis mine).  I just thought we were moving too fast and needed to slow it down some."  This was prior to me looking at his profile and discovering that he was partnered. Furthermore, he had met her approximately 6 weeks earlier *during* the time we were dating.  He ended this IM with, "I hope we can still be friends."  It was him saying this a second time that I found odd and prompted me to check out his profile.

I gave this guy an easy out.  He could tell by my conversation I wasn't upset (by that time I really had decided he'd found someone else and I was going on about my SL) so, imo, the most logical, not to mention honest, thing for him to have said was, "Yes, I did meet someone.  I hope we can remain friends" or something to that effect.  Instead, he flat out lied.

Trying to figure out men is beyond me as well.  In the last few years I've been blessed with some great male friends.  Sharing some of the experiences I've had and hearing their opinions has been very enlightening, and often completely opposite of how I had viewed the situation.

This discussion reminds me of a quote from the movie, "As Good As it Gets."  When an obsessive-compulsive author, brilliantly portrayed by Jack Nicholson, is asked how he writes women so well, he answers:
"I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability." 
Methinks that the shoe could be on the other foot in some cases.
;)

 

 

I had come to the same conclusion, Czari. By the time, I had looked at their profile, I was already moving on, but it still bothered me that they could not even be honest that they had found someone and had partnered them. How hard would it have been for them to say, "You know, you're a really great person, but I have found someone else and I would love to be able to stay friends" but no, they have to be secretive about it, which baffles me to no end. I also have some awesome male friends who know what happened and they have also given me their opinions on what might have happened and has also enlightened me. 

I love that movie and that line is one of my favorites in the whole movie. 

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sweetie Jigsaw wrote:

I know from experience that relationships can be hard in SL and many have had bad experiences here, myself included. Which is why i don't jump from one person to another.

But i recently met someone, there was a instant connection with, something that doesn't happen for me often in SL. We chatted for hours, but not everyday. He is not the 'player' type, at least he doesn't come across like that. Recently i  finally got the courage to tell him how i felt about him, and he admitted he was feeling the same, however.......

Because of mistakes made in his past he wanted to ' take things slow'. I can understand this, but despite the fact we enjoy many hours together talking and cuddling ( no sex) he never IMs me. Its always left for me to make the first move in contacting him, if i don't days go by with no contact at all. I don't know if i should continue to push things or just sit back and let him make the moves for a change. Im not really the sit back and do nothing type so its very hard to stay quiet. But im afraid if i say anything he will feel im pushing and I'll risk losing him anyway.

 

I'm responding to you without reading what anyone else has written, so it's quite possible that they have said the same thing.

Relax... if he truly wants a relationship with you, he will make it known.  You should never have to "chase" someone... ever.

What you need to do is just live your life... your second life... and what happens happens.  But, more than anything, you need to be happy with who and where you are... that way, if the right guy comes along, you will be in the best position to make the most of it.

I wish you the best ...Dres

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Dresden Ceriano wrote:


sweetie Jigsaw wrote:

I know from experience that relationships can be hard in SL and many have had bad experiences here, myself included. Which is why i don't jump from one person to another.

But i recently met someone, there was a instant connection with, something that doesn't happen for me often in SL. We chatted for hours, but not everyday. He is not the 'player' type, at least he doesn't come across like that. Recently i  finally got the courage to tell him how i felt about him, and he admitted he was feeling the same, however.......

Because of mistakes made in his past he wanted to ' take things slow'. I can understand this, but despite the fact we enjoy many hours together talking and cuddling ( no sex) he never IMs me. Its always left for me to make the first move in contacting him, if i don't days go by with no contact at all. I don't know if i should continue to push things or just sit back and let him make the moves for a change. Im not really the sit back and do nothing type so its very hard to stay quiet. But im afraid if i say anything he will feel im pushing and I'll risk losing him anyway.

 

I'm responding to you without reading what anyone else has written, so it's quite possible that they have said the same thing.

Relax... if he truly wants a relationship with you, he will make it known. 
You should never have to "chase" someone... ever.

What you need to do is just live your life... your second life... and what happens happens.  But, more than anything, you need to be happy with who and where you are... that way, if the right guy comes along, you will be in the best position to make the most of it.

I wish you the best ...Dres

(Emphasis mine)

Entire post QFT!

 

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In my RL because of my job and exposure to technology,  I am so tuned into communicating, responding, and initiating connections via IM, Email, text and phone calls, that  I found I do better with people who are used to this type of flow.

Not everyone is like me in this regard and some feel comfortable not even responding to an IM at all if their busy.   They don't feel its necessary to say, "hey I'm busy, talk later".    I even try to make sure I balance out initiating a conversation because i want to be respectful to my friend just as I would in rl.

Not judging at all just a different approach.   I tend to not hang with those types of people long.

If your a real communicator and your matched with someone who's very passive, then one of 2 things will happen, you'll either accept the differenece or not.  

For me it doesn't work but may for others. 

Best of luck

 

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I understand what you are saying but at the same time if a list of friends is big to mediocre size people do get several IM's. Because of how my avi looks I get lots of attention and my personality is awesome (so I am told) so I am frequently being IM'd. I am not rude by saying okay I got rid of so and so however I do say, "I am sorry I was currently busy. As much as Id love to converse I can't. I hope we can soon." And then I make a time as best as I can. Id hate to make anyone feel like they are less because they are not. I just can be popular at times. Usually when I want to be left alone LOL.

On another note. I give people the week treatment. If you haven't said Hi to me in a week AND I saw you were one several times.... DELETE. One week is long enough to at least say Hey sorry I have been busy, I hope all is well.

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I probably should have made it more clear but I was not referring to having a bunch of convo's on the go with my friends but what is understood to be a one on one converstation between two people interested in each other.  The type of convo that begins with a pick up line etc etc. 

A good comparison would be a club or place where you meet a love interest in rl.  If I were approached by a guy who seemed interested in me and wanted to talk, get to know me, I'd lose interest real fast if he was also talking with the lady at the next table and the one at the table behind that.

As far as getting hit on cause your avie is attractive, this is sl, everyone is attractive lol.  The problem IMO is that there are so many that are pretty on the outside but absolutely emply on the inside.  Few and far between IMO do I find someone engaging or interesting enough that a meeting goes any further than: 

The guy - 'hi'
followed by 'where are you from' or 'sexy avie'

folllowed by little else.

Most often, I KNOW they haven't even taken the time to look at my profile.  Anyway, slim pickins.

 

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Didn't mean to sound conceited just giving an example. I realize in sl every one is hot. Now that you defined what you were talking about Yes I too would be pissed. You say hello to me and then ignore me..is what you were saying. That's also isn't acceptable. On a side note I agree not everyone in sl has a great personality. I do have a great personality which is why I am popular but this post isn't about me. So I digress.

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Oh no sorry, I didn't mean to infer that you were conceited.  I was just drawing attention to the fact that in sl we are all off the charts when it comes to comparisson to normality of rl.

Well not ignoring no, the other person is in IM's with more than one person.  I've run into many a guy in here who will start a convo and it doesn't take long to realize he is a 'serial IM'er'.  He's not the least bit interested in me in particular, but whomever and he doesn't carry the conversation at all.

 

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