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12212012

How in the world do you break up in sl?? Help!

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Amethyst Jetaime wrote:


JeanneAnne wrote:


Amethyst Jetaime wrote:


JeanneAnne wrote:

how committed to your avatar are you? if not so much just get a new account, create another character & disappear .. you could have an alt IM your sl partner claiming to be a relative informing him youd been killed by a mountain lion .. or something .. if you want to keep playing your main avatar tho .. & your partner will keep bugging you then i guess youll just hav2 block him

Jeanne

 

Faking death is the cold hearted cowards way out and is extremely cruel to some one who cares about you.  After a long term releationship such as this, regardless of how you feel personally, you owe it to your partner to treat them better than this when they do not wish to end it too.  Honesty may hurt them but faking death can have devastating consequences that carry over to RL. 

 

well Amethyst .. if faking death is a cold hearted cowards way out .. i guess a person could actually kill themselves .. would you like that better?

Jeanne

 

No, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and also a cowards way out. Why not just be an adult and tell someone its not working anymore and you are finished with it?  Why play head games?

 

well .. good! Amethyst .. im glad you dont think actual suicide is better than faking ones death to ppl they know in sl .. good for you!

iv been thinking about this & have come to the conclusion that faking ones death isnt the bad thing .. the bad thing is letting those who think youre dead find out that you really arent .. ppl will mourn you ~or not~ the same whether youre really dead or they just think youre dead .. the hurt & resentment comes in when they realize youve fooled them .. so if youre going to fake your own death .. stay dead .. either actually stay gone or give no clue that youre back as an alt watching others reactions to your death .. or better yet do as Amethyst suggests & just be up front about ending the relationship

Jeanne

 

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Geldsbard Freck wrote:

The real test is to bring the relationship out of the virtual world and and see how our imaginations stack up to the reality.


I have to tell you, Geldsbard, Maddy's a perfect example of this. She's tolerable in SL and insufferable in RL. Let this be a lesson for everybody. Don't make my mistake.


He also wrote:

Dear 12212012, I hope you can resolve this without animosity on either part, but none-the-less, as in the real world, life goes on in spite of ourselves.

I'll second that hope, in case Maddy forgot the common decency to wish 12212012 the best of luck.

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JeanneAnne wrote:

iv been thinking about this & have come to the conclusion that faking ones death isnt the bad thing .. the bad thing is letting those who think youre dead find out that you really arent .. ppl will mourn you ~or not~ the same whether youre really dead or they just think youre dead .. the hurt & resentment comes in when they realize youve fooled them .. so
if
youre going to fake your own death .. stay dead .. either actually stay gone or give no clue that youre back as an alt watching others reactions to your death .. or better yet do as Amethyst suggests & just be up front about ending the relationship

Jeanne

 

Are you serious? You  believe inflicting the pain on mourning somesones death on one's friends is not a bad thing? You believe lying and hurting people with that lie is not a bad thing? You really believe that people are not affected emotionally when they are told someone they have been friends with in sl has died?

Really?

You are not serious, right?

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I'm not sure I forsaw writing this within 24 hours of reading some of Vegro's other posts; but I totally agree. I don't see what all the angst is about.


And as for Perrie taking it too seriously, I disagree. Unless you agreed with this guy from the beginning that the two of you were going to rp being 'in love'; you're kind of messing with someone's emotions for your own amusement.  Which, to me...sl, rl or any other L...highly uncool.


I totally think Perrie's suggestion is one that will solve all your sl probs with the opposite sex.

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Musetta Fieschi wrote:

I'm not sure I forsaw writing this within 24 hours of reading some of Vegro's other posts; but I totally agree. I don't see what all the angst is about.

 

And as for Perrie taking it too seriously, I disagree. Unless you agreed with this guy from the beginning that the two of you were going to rp being 'in love'; you're kind of messing with someone's emotions for your own amusement.  Which, to me...sl, rl or any other L...highly uncool.

 

I totally think Perrie's suggestion is one that will solve all your sl probs with the opposite sex.

There is in a sense two separate issues going on here.  First is whether it is right or wrong, sane or insane, to take an Online relationship, be it SL or any other means of contact seriously.  This has been and still is the subject of many debates and discussions not only in this Forum but in many other places also.

I personally do take them seriously.  That is my individual choice.  I also know that there are others who don't take things seriously.  That is their choice and privilege.  Because of both these things I am careful in my relationships.  What that means is that I walk as best as I can with respect towards all.

Several years ago Torley wrote:

"In my head, I've long heard varied voices that inform my life choices. They span a rich spectrum of genders, races, etc. It was only natural that I express them as avatars — earlier, I used the term "Torley Council", or there's that joke from some Resis, that when they see me, they go "It's a Torley!" Hahahaha.

 

I have a very strong female voice that emerges here. She encourages me to be more sensible and explanatory (I used to be terse and not all that social), and it feels 1000% natural to me. Not having that would feel strongly repressive, and so with SL as an outlet — or whatever you want to call it — I've been able to unify my personality and feel a lot healthier in both lives as a result.

 

It is a difficult thing that, while life in general appeals to a diversity of people, many people's interests are in conflict. This is also true in Second Life, and I continue to be a proponent of responsible disclosure in relationships that matter to you. On top of that, there's insecurity that people keep hidden, not to mention jealousy and other "demons" that drag someone down from acknowledging and living the life THEY really want... in the process they become control freaks trying to prevent OTHERS from feeling fulfilled, as Darrius initially mentioned.

 

The psychology of it intrigues me deeply. I just hope more people can come inworld and use Second Life as a tool of confronting hangups and dealing with their baggage, so they have healthier relationships with others. Not growing means not really living."  (my bolding above).

"The psychology of it all" intrigues me also.  

Regardless of your position, whether you think of this as just a game or you take it seriously, why anyone would think that they can check 'respect of the other person' at the door when they log in is simply something that I don't get.

Maybe it is a problem that I take it seriously.  But if I just want to play games, I find a one person shooter where I know the characters are all fictional.  Here in SL, the people behind the Avatar aren't fictional.

Does this mean that we can't have fun in SL?  Absolutely not.  I have tons of fun.  I find all kinds of things to do.  It's just that the thing I remember is that it's another person on the other end of the Internet.

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Perrie Juran wrote:

 

"The psychology of it all" intrigues me also.  

Regardless of your position, whether you think of this as just a game or you take it seriously, why anyone would think that they can check 'respect of the other person' at the door when they log in is simply something that I don't get.

Maybe it is a problem that I take it seriously. 
But if I just want to play games, I find a one person shooter where I know the characters are all fictional.  Here in SL, the people behind the Avatar aren't fictional.

Does this mean that we can't have fun in SL?  Absolutely not.  I have tons of fun.  I find all kinds of things to do.  It's just that the thing I remember is that it's another person on the other end of the Internet.

(Emphasis mine)  The above quote is a perfect description of how I live my SL.  I don't think it is a problem at all that I take it seriously. 

Thank you for the Torley quote - very interesting.  Great post, Perrie. :)

 

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I'm with ya, Perrie. I think that 200 years ago, there were people falling seriously in love via letters shipped across the Atlantic. I think there were also people who treated those exchanges as a game. A mismatch in expectations then could have been as devastating as one in SL now.

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We've both referenced that Torley comment in posts, and we were both participants in the thread in which it appeared (and btw wouldn't it be nice if Torley came back to the forum now and then?).

There are people, perhaps many people, who see all of this—Second Life—as a game of fantasy. There are also people, perhaps many people, who see this as a place of fantasy, but still a place where everyone—man, woman, child, dragon, chipmunk—represents an actual person: a thinking, feeling, person.

I came here expecting nothing more than a way to let my 'girl' out. I'd done absolutely no research; all I knew about SL was that it existed. I realized pretty early on (I had the benefit of a lot of internet chat experience) that I'd have to be very careful not to fall in love in SL. Not saying I was able to avoid it, but at least I was aware of the implications. Like you, I 'take it seriously' and if that's a problem, tough. All of us have to keep in mind that there are differences in expectations and that those differences can have a massive impact on relationships between two people.

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Thank you for the Words of Torley, and to Czuri and everyone that keeps them alive. It helps me to see i'm not the only one who thinks everything is as real as it seems. [CORRECTION--meant to say ty Perrie and also Dillon for Words of Torley]

This reminds me of this bit of internet wisdom--

"Sometimes people put up walls, not to keep others out....but to see who cares enough to tear them down"

No idea who said that first, but our avatars are all that, mirrors, walls, windows into our souls.  As the OP, just wanted to pop in and show appreciation, continuing to follow. When i originally posted, i did so because i do take it that seriously, and the feelings of others.  Frankly, some people need to stay at the shallow end as far as feelings go. That's how they protect themselves, and they put their own feelings and ego before the other person..  People have all kinds of language and reasons about how it hurts or why it shouldn't, and it's absolutely no different from "real life" so if you are married in real life, and you think this is a role play that you can just turn off and ignore, good luck.  There are all kinds of accomodation people make in real life marriages, all kinds of trade-offs.  Generally, we stand in respect of whatever it is to the couple, and it's nosey to speculate. Here you can be shaken to your core by something as innocent as talking cartoons.

I don't think it's the unreality of it that is so confusing. I think it's the voluntary suspension of disbelief and the fantasy motif that allows us to craft an "extra" reality and experience the Garden all over again. My problem is taking a bite of the proverbial fruit and snap, i wake up, feeling naked, just feeling mind you.

"The psychology of it intrigues me deeply."  indeed.

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Been there a few times. After then I just said no partner from the beginning. A few broke through my wall but then I found they were players and it hit me. There are so few people who remain faithful on sl why put myself through this hell over and over. So now I just have fun still have romance and swoon when they are sweet but when they pop the question I am walking away. Not to sound bitter but I rather be free then be broken. Wish you the best of luck.

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Hello everyone,

 I am in a similar situation. I just got started in a relationship and I am already feeling smothered. She is getting too obsessed with me and demands all of my time . I on the otherhand have lost interest, I just want to break up, but I want to let her down easy.

My idea was to make some "confessions", negative things (untrue)examples are jail time, a lot older than her, not really a guy but actually a girl in RL, whatever I think could turn her off. This will give her the idea to break up with me instead, a lot easier that way. I think  this scenario was in a sit-com somewhere.

Any thoughts about this?

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mikeg6 wrote:

Hello everyone,

 I am in a similar situation. I just got started in a relationship and I am already feeling smothered. She is getting too obsessed with me and demands all of my time . I on the otherhand have lost interest, I just want to break up, but I want to let her down easy.

My idea was to make some "confessions", negative things (untrue)examples are jail time, a lot older than her, not really a guy but actually a girl in RL, whatever I think could turn her off. This will give her the idea to break up with me instead, a lot easier that way. I think  this scenario was in a sit-com somewhere.

Any thoughts about this?

Ugh no. Don't lie. Just be honest. You can be kind, but honest.

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