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12212012

How in the world do you break up in sl?? Help!

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12212012 wrote:

Feelings are probably the most real thing that can be experienced, whatever we call them. emotions. heartbreak. disappointment. it's all absolutely personal.

 

 

 

I have a wall plaque given to me by a fellow forumite who got it (I think) from the original creator. It reads:

"The only real things in Second Life are our feelings, so please take care of each other"

I'm very fond of it. When I got my copy I was told to pass it on; if you or anyone else would like a copy IM me.

 

Edited to give the correct wording (my memory was close but not quite accurate) once I'd gotten inworld and could take a look at the plaque at my place.

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well it's not in the Knowledge Base. i didn't see any mention of cost in the faq on partnering but it does state 25L to unpartner.

however, i found this on New World Notes Blog

""

The "Partner" option in Second Life enables you to list another Resident as such in your avatar profile (if that person accepts your proposal, that is), and doing so is a bargain deal, literally costing pennies:  listing cost is $L10 (around 3.7 37 US cents), and L$25, if the couple decides to get divorced.

"":

That quote is from 2008, so not sure how many pennies that is now.  So, yes. 10L to partner and 25L to unpartner

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Czari Zenovka wrote:


JeanneAnne wrote:

 

<snip>

...so the sensible person approaches internet relationships w/ a grain of salt ..in general

I would have to agree with this particular point for the reason that the very nature of the internet lends anonymity to people who are, imo, already so-inclined to let out the worst part of themselves but keep it more subdued in RL due to more direct consequences - such as having their butt kicked or divorce papers slapped on them.

I've always been the "too trusting" type and when I first ventured onto the net, back when dinosaurs still roamed the earth, believed that what everyone said online was true because that is who *I* was.  After getting hit up the side of the head with a virtual 2x4 quite a few times, I gradually became a bit more "internet savvy" in relationships.  I don't want to live as a distrustful person and have walls up all the time because, for me, it's a sad way to live; HOWEVER, I do think going slow with online relationships, including knowing there are some top notch con artists online, is commonsense.  We teach our children to be wary of who they meet online then sometimes we adults "forget" that advice, especially when the heart is involved.  Been there, done that, have the battle scars.

 

 

beautiful post Czari ;) yep! you got it ..

Jeanne

 

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12212012 wrote:

Feelings are probably the most real thing that can be experienced, whatever we call them. emotions. heartbreak. disappointment. it's all absolutely personal.

fiction is our tool here, and some of us jump right in, others sooner or later.

actually, from what i've heard, it seems it's not at all unusual for the role play head to real life.  So there is no place to check your heart at the door, and no sameness of everyday reality to keep you grounded. 

Very much like a drug.

It only takes 10L to partner, and 25L to unpartner.  Now that's a funny way to show a sliding scale. Maybe it should cost prohibitively more each time a person does it. 

 

That is an excellent suggestion!

And we need more choices too.  It has been a while since I saw it brought up but there used to be a lot of requests for people to have (show) more than one partner.

Just like there can be group roles, we should have options for Partners:

Faithful Partner

Unfaithful Partner

DramaLama Partner

Harem Queen or King

Harem **bleep** or Slave

Short Timer Partner

Long Time Partner

Jealous Partner

The Alt's Partner

Really Just F*ckbuddies Partner

and

The Runaway Partner

 

 

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12212012 wrote:

great idea, Perrie, and i'd like to add:

Build Buddy

or

Business Partner

I really shouldn't have hijacked the thread like that. My Aplogies to the OP.

I did however think of one more that I will add and then move on.

AWOL Partner.

 

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Dillon Levenque wrote:


12212012 wrote:

Feelings are probably the most real thing that can be experienced, whatever we call them. emotions. heartbreak. disappointment. it's all absolutely personal.

 

 

 

I have a wall plaque given to me by a fellow forumite who got it (I think)

from the original creator. It reads (memory at work here; I may miss a bit)

The only things real in Second Life are our feelings. Please take care of each other.

I'm very fond of it. When I got my copy I was told to pass it on; if you or anyone else would like a copy IM me.

 

Love that saying.  I'll IM you for a copy next time I'm in world.  Thank you for offering. :)

 

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The thing is, for many (all) of us, the relationship isn't about SL or being in SL, it's a relationship. Whether you keep it solely in SL (no email, text, voice or Skype) it's still A  RELATIONSHIP because you're with them, talking, being intimate, sharing everything in your heart and soul, add email, texting, Skype and it gets bigger.  But no matter where you're at with them, it's still a relationship. So..the question is, how do you break up with someone

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Write everything you wrote in your op to your partner. Word it to THEM.  And unpartner them.

If you ever were friends, and they are a real grown up,  they'll talk to you when they read,  and accept things, and you will be amicable.

 

 

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SL or RL...if you go into a partnership be aware its a human being...you get bored and just dump them like a rag doll?

If you get bored so easy dont start one and hurt feelings...sorry..my opinion..stay single!

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12212012 wrote:

Thanks, Rayse.  This one wouldn't stalk, but he might mope. I know this because of prior discussion about it. 

As to the block aspect of the mute feature, i do know from elsewhere that blocking someone on skype may completely block them here, even if not muted by you in sl. 

I don't know this for sure, but i believe it may be that skype blocks from your computer to the other person's.  If anyone has any experience with that, please comment. 

Blocking someone on Skype should have no effect on them in SL. I'm not sure how Skype blocks calls, but in SL, your computer can't tell one person from another. All SL text chat is contained in the data packets that are routinely exchanged between your viewer and the SL servers. While your viewer understands how to parse those packets into the various chat/IM windows you see, nothing else on your computer is aware of what's happening. The blocking of SL messages happens in the SL servers.

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Hermione Lefevre wrote:

SL or RL...if you go into a partnership be aware its a human being...you get bored and just dump them like a rag doll?

If you get bored so easy dont start one and hurt feelings...sorry..my opinion..stay single!

I agree. We are humans. Just say goodbye.

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Ladies, please try this psychological experiment before you make decisions based on what you believe about  "virtual relationships" It's a serious, legitimate experiment, and one that will most certainly surprise most ...not all, but most of you, and enlighten you on the self deceptive nature of virtual relationships.

 

Here's the experiment:

 

  • Create an alternate ego SL character. Make this a completely new account with different sign in password and everything, and make it the gender of your attraction. I say this because I assume this experiment will work for ALL sexual persuasions.
  • Think about this character's physical attributes carefully! Customize his/her AV to match your ideal physical description - those physical attributes you find irresistible; strong, tall, blue eyes, bald, beard, from head to toe, what ever appeals to you the most.
  • Think carefully about this character's personality traits: Create your ideal person in intelligence, interests, manors, life's experience, sense of honor and honesty ..., everything you find "perfect" in a potential partner. Over a period of time, you must actually fill out the profile of this character, thinking as much as you believe this character would think based on these attributes to add comments and such to the profile. An extreme step is to find a photo on the internet of someone you find attractive that fits the AV's physical attributes and use it for the profile's "real world" photo. (be careful with this - you do not want to post a photo of a real person unless you have permission to do so. There are some clip-art photos that are free and openly publishable)
  • Now live your character for a while. Remember, the purpose of this is NOT to fool others in Second Life. You, as this alter ego, will undoubtedly meet others that may express interest in starting a friendship or relationship. Use what ever reason you can think of to avoid this, but make the reason about you; you only use SL to listen to live music, you use SL to create art, you think SL cartoon sex is pointless, your real life partner is the jealous type and watching the screen with you, whatever works. However, don't avoid talking with others as this alternate. Talk and think as you believe they would.  This helps to develope the character's personallity details.
  • Take the time to go shopping as this alter ego. Find the clothing YOU find ideal - that you wish your ideal partner would ware and make sure he/she has a dozen or so outfits.
  • After a while, when you feel you really know how this character would react to almost any situation, open your preferences and check "allow multiple viewers". This will allow you to sign on as both yourself and your alter ego at the same time.
  • Teleport both characters to the same place. The first time you do this it helps if it is a low population area - there is less lag and fumbling around working two AVs will not be so embarrassing. You may actually experience a giddy sort of excitement that your AV and your alternate have finally come face to face.
  • When you are together be sure to accept friendship offers from each. This makes it easier to teleport each other around to different locations.
  • If you take both AVs shopping at the same time, rather than buying something for your alternet and giving it to him/her, give him/her the money to buy it for themselves. (this is a very important psychological step)
  • Learn how to control both AVs well enough to go out to entertainment venues, dance, listen to live music, do together what you find most interresting in SecondLife. You do not need to carry on fake conversations in chat windows but be sure if sitting at a bar or table you focus your alternate's eyes on your AV and vice-verse. If standing, face each other as you would face any other AV in SL.
  • Look at the image on your screen and imagine the conversation that would take place.
  • I am not recommending you do this, but IF you are into the sexual capabilities in SL ... well ... that's up to you, but I imagine that experience would totalize this experiment.

 

Here's what you will find:

It may take a little while and it will be a slow undetected progression - but you will begin to have feelings for this alternate ego AV! You will get to the point where deleting the character is out of the question. You may find yourself jealous of attention it gets from others in SL when you are together or even more amazingly - feeling guilty or concerned for your alternate if you are paying more attention to someone else. You may find yourself feeling protective of your alternate. You will find yourself caring about this "individual" at many surprising levels.


Understand what this means! You are experiencing emotions based on a total lie that you perpetrated against yourself ... deliberately and knowingly! The "individual" you find yourself concerned over does not exist, yet your feelings are very, very real!

Think about that and what it possibly means about any other virtual relationship you have in Second Life. The full impact of the self deceptive nature of this phenomena can't be realized unless you actually carry out this experiment, and do it seriously, and be aware of, and not embarrassed or ashamed of the feelings that develop in you.

WARNING! Multi-personallity schizophrenics should probably not try this experiment! It is ultimatly important to remain clear on who this character actually is.

I'll leave any conclusions and evaluations to you, who ever are brave enough to go down this self revealing path!

 

Post Script: This post in no way is intended to say that it's not real people using Second Life, with real feelings and emotions, that can be hurt virtually just as much as in reality. The point is that if you can knowingly decieve yourself in this way, how can you trust your own feelings at all in a virtual enviroment.

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Geldsbard,

It's a wonderful experiment. I've not done it in SL, but I did it on IRC a dozen years ago. It's easy for me to extrapolate to the experience you describe. I'd been a denizen of a chat room for quite a while and had many friends. One day we drifted into a discussion of gender bending. The prevailing opinion was that males and females are recognizably so, even in a text only environment. As a tomboy who liked to wear dresses because that punctured the tomboy stereotype (and made my Father roll his eyes), I thought I'd puncture the opinion.

I was 30 at the time, my Dad was 80. I had lots of experience with the Old Man and his friends, so I fashioned the character of a 65 year old retired brick layer. I brought him into the room, and without making any effort to change my writing style, he dipped in his toes. With the help of Madelaine, he soon began affectionately teasing everyone in sight, just as my SL friends endure from me now. I had a different backstory of course, and talked of bricks and bowling.

It didn't take very long for my girlfriends to start private messaging the bricklayer (I think I named him Charlie). Charlie demurred when interest was shown (Madelaine is lesbian, and gets little interest ;-), and stayed largely in public chat. Over the following weeks, Charlie and I would visit alone and together and resurrect the gender bending topic to the frustration of the rest, who'd move on to something else. Eventually, "we" let the cat out of the bag, to the consternation of some and the delight of others.

There were no truly ruffled feathers, thankfully. And it didn't take long for a suprising number of my friends to say "I liked you better as Charlie". I, as Madelaine, truly felt a little inadequacy on hearing that, particularly as I was starting to toy with the idea of having something approaching companionship (don't ask me what the hell that means, I don't know). To this day, I feel a true affection for that character, so much so that s/he (I enjoy the ambiguity) is still with me, as my alt and partner, Snugs McMasters. I've no idea what Snugs does for a living these days, other than pester me over the sad state of my character and intelligence.

I can live with that.

ETA: I am actually unsure of the name "Charlie", and I find that interesting.

ETA2: I created the Snugs avatar when I first arrived in SL, with the intention of luring a dear friend along behind me. He had the good sense to go off and find a wife and has since passed away. I think of him when I inhabit Snugs, just as I think of my Father. They both rolled their eyes at me. Snugs thinks it's healthy to roll your eyes at your own behavior now and then, but I'm getting tired of it.

ETA3: On the wall of my SL home hangs the portrait of Pope Innocent X. I was first introduced to the painting by my dear friend Dillon Levenque. I'd not yet met Dillon in-world at the time, we knew of each other only via the forum. Melita Magic organized a Secret Santa gift exchange, and Dillon received my name. Snugs was known to the forum at the time, and I believe the Pope was how Dillon imagined me, or Snugs. I'm either offended, or delighted.

Here's my profile pic, which gives you some idea of how I, and perhaps others, see Madelaine and Snugs.

Maddy Profile Square2.jpg

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Hi Madelaine,


It really is amazing to discover how feelings can develop in us (me) towards a fictitious entity in this way. I created a female AV because I am a "builder" and wanted to try my hand at making female clothing and jewelery. For practical reasons - it just sells better and seems to do so if created by a female.  It just doesn't look right for a male AV to be putting on dresses. I found that my "manikin" was being approached quite a bit and I felt that a profile that indicated a lack of interest in virtual relationships might at least slow that down. So I began creating her personality.

Over time "she" sort of took on a life of her own and without conscious forethought, I followed this experiment and was amazed at what she had become, both as an individual and to me.

She still is very much active in SL, making clothing and jewelry, and "partners" with me in some of my CGI projects. She is far more gregarious than myself and goes out dancing in blues clubs all the time and is absolutely essential for testing couple dance animations. She chats without a self-conscious thought and has taught me it's OK to pipe up in chat once in a while.

She'll talk with anyone, but is not out to deceive and turns away would-be suitors gently and kindly - having a unique perspective from the male point of view and understanding. She DID wander into a lesbian pool party once and was terribly and completely confused about how to react - embarrassed and run - or intrigued and remain and ogle!:smileytongue:

I guess I have reveled my hand (as it were) and a look into my in-world profile will revel who "she" is, and a peek into "her" profile will revel MY ideal woman. [edit] actually I don't think you can find this out from my profile, and I don't plan on telling who she is. "... the girl's gotta' have SOME secrets, ... right?"

The difficult thing to admit is that in a strange way, she exist in the SL world. Even though I know she is my own creation I could never delete her, and I feel bad (for her!!!) if I don't bring her out of the box once in a while.

But all this makes my point. What are we basing our emotions and feelings on in virtual relationships - can we really trust that what we feel is any more real than the world in which they developed?

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Geldsbard Freck wrote more than I'm quoting here:

She DID wander into a lesbian pool party once and was terribly and completely confused about how to react - embarrassed and run - or intrigued and remain and ogle!:smileytongue:

If it makes you feel any better, I felt much the same way my first time in a lesbian club. New experiences are new experiences!


But all this makes my point. What are we basing our emotions and feelings on in virtual relationships - can we really trust that what we feel is any more real than the world in which they developed?

This is a different SL angle than the one I usually ponder. Most of my thinking has been about the relationships between different people, through their avatars, not the relationships between people and their own avatars. We have multiple faces in RL, too, but not as distinct. There's our work face, our intimate face, the face we wear to church and the face we palm at Thanksgiving dinner when relatives heap adoration on Rush Limbaugh.

But SL is different. In RL, our eyes are stuck inside our heads. In SL we can put them anywhere. Is that important? Is the affection we feel for the characters we create actually the affection we feel for the relationships we have through them? I think that's it. Did anyone ever develop affection for the character they played in single player video game?

Perrie Juran remarked that a physical move in RL, as for a job, allows one to start over, perhaps with a new, improved, persona. Would we still miss aspects of the old one?

Interesting stuff to ponder, if your stomach isn't growling.

;-)

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I gave you the portrait (I regret to say it was only a beautifully done copy—I have the original) because it is by one of my favorite painters and is without question my favorite portrait. La Gioconda is a not too distant second. At the time I did not know you and Snugs could do the 'look' almost as well as Innocent X. I might point out that the original did not contain that list (which seems to grow longer all the time) called "The Sins of Madelaine" that is visible in your profile picture.

This really has nothing to do with the thread but since we've had one Diego Velasquez painting we really do need another. This is called "Las Meninas". I've seen that translated as both 'Ladies in Waiting' and 'Maids of Honor'. Perhaps Irene could clear that up. That is Diego on the left. And yes, the little girl really was a princess.

meninas.jpg

 

PS: Charlie was okay but I liked you better.

 

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Madelaine McMasters wrote:

Perrie Juran remarked that a physical move in RL, as for a job, allows one to start over, perhaps with a new, improved, persona. Would we still miss aspects of the old one?


I can attest to this after three complete career changes in my lifetime and having lived in nearly every state down the south-east coast and gulf coast that it is a unique opportunity to leave behind some undesirable aspect of yourself and re-write your own character - not necessarily a complete reformat but a noticeable change. Unfortunately there can be collateral casualties that take away some good aspects as well. It's difficult not to look back fondly on those missing aspects we liked about ourselves and wish we could find them again.

 

(back to topic)

I just believe that allowing our emotions to run away with us in a virtual (un-real?) relationship is a self deception. We can see almost anything we want in the other person and the virtual world is hard pressed to prove us wrong. The real test is to bring the relationship out of the virtual world and and see how our imaginations stack up to the reality.

I think nine times out of ten both parties realize there was no foundation for their "perfect" on-line relationship and was mostly based on virtually supported phantasies. Most walk away saying to themselves "... what was I thinking!" I think this is a pretty common outcome with on-line dating as well.

My final thought: Be aware that not everything you see, hear, experience, or feel in the virtual environment is as real as maybe we wish they could be.

Dear 12212012, I hope you can resolve this without animosity on either part, but none-the-less, as in the real world, life goes on in spite of ourselves.

 

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Madelaine McMasters wrote:


Dillon Levenque wrote:

And yes, the little girl really was a princess.

Was not!!!!

Was. The little girl is Margerita Theresa, daughter of Phillip IV, king of Spain . A princess. Forced into a marriage with someone she didn't know. Bore four children, one of whom survived childbirth. Died at the ripe old age of 21. Being a princess was perhaps not as great a career path as one might assume.

 

Nice save.

 

 

 

TY

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Woot!!! Another person who actually knows what IRC is!!!!  I usually get asked "What's that?" lol  I began using IRC sometime in the mid-80's, prior to mIRC, at first for social chat and later involved in a rp group there.  It was actually someone from SL who happened into our IRC channel and invited our group over that brought us here.  Very small world. :)

It is true that, unless someone is very good at changing their writing style, it is not too hard to detect someone using a different "nick."  That happened quite often in the rp channel.  The scenario was generally someone messed up or ticked off a bunch of people and "disappeared" to return with a new nick, but most times they were found out.  Something as simple as misspelling the same word could be a tell-tale clue.  Sounds like you did a good job of assuming a different persona. :)

Several years ago in SL a member of a group of which I was a part invited those of us who would like to participate into an annual "experiment" of sorts that he does. The person behind the avatar is male but has a female avatar.  He states on the front page of his profile that he is male RL and chose a female av to gain a different perspective.  His experiment was for us to choose a completely different avatar look than our norm and stay in it exclusively for a week.  During the week we met as a group to go on a "field trip."  We went to the Ahern info hub, the Blarney Stone...and can't recall the third.  The point was to see if we were treated differently in a different avatar.  We met at the end of the week to discuss our personal experiences.  For me, I found the most interesting part was not how others related to me, but how I felt about myself in a totally different avatar. 

The avatar I use all the time has many of my RL "elements" - same gender, skin tone, eye color, hair color, height, etc.  For the experiment I chose being a Furry as that was a group that I used to have a bit of a bias against...for no reason really.  Some of the other avatars our group chose was being in a wheelchair, being a child av, a female RL who became a Victorian male avatar, a RL Caucasian guy chose an African-American look, etc.

Very interesting indeed.  I'm pretty sure I couldn't pull off a male avatar convincingly - my text "speech" and "mannerisms" would likely give me away quickly.  Interesting concept though.

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JeanneAnne wrote:


Amethyst Jetaime wrote:


JeanneAnne wrote:

how committed to your avatar are you? if not so much just get a new account, create another character & disappear .. you could have an alt IM your sl partner claiming to be a relative informing him youd been killed by a mountain lion .. or something .. if you want to keep playing your main avatar tho .. & your partner will keep bugging you then i guess youll just hav2 block him

Jeanne

 

Faking death is the cold hearted cowards way out and is extremely cruel to some one who cares about you.  After a long term releationship such as this, regardless of how you feel personally, you owe it to your partner to treat them better than this when they do not wish to end it too.  Honesty may hurt them but faking death can have devastating consequences that carry over to RL. 

 

well Amethyst .. if faking death is a cold hearted cowards way out .. i guess a person could actually kill themselves .. would you like that better?

Jeanne

 

No, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and also a cowards way out. Why not just be an adult and tell someone its not working anymore and you are finished with it?  Why play head games?

 

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