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12212012

How in the world do you break up in sl?? Help!

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Madelaine,

Very good observation.  Yes, i'm giving it to the winter solstice, when the Mayan calendar restarts a 26,000 year cycle, and hoping it all falls into place then.

Yes, trust the gut and don't expect an easy answer.  Also don't complicate the simple truth by sugarcoating a lie.  When and if anyone unpartners here, it should be with some thoughtful discussion and a firm resolve, but not cruelty or lies.

In the mean time, it has been helpful to hear from all of you here in the forums. 

 

 

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12212012 wrote:

well i agree completely there, Vegro,  "no mountain lions, no mountains of lies."

i like the mountain lion :catsad:

Jeanne

 

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Thanks, Rayse.  This one wouldn't stalk, but he might mope. I know this because of prior discussion about it. 

As to the block aspect of the mute feature, i do know from elsewhere that blocking someone on skype may completely block them here, even if not muted by you in sl. 

I don't know this for sure, but i believe it may be that skype blocks from your computer to the other person's.  If anyone has any experience with that, please comment.

 

 

 

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Czari, this would be a funny story if it weren't kind of sad. Definitely true that a person who has a tendency to lie will lie even when telling the truth would be easier. Reminds me of that saying about someone, "he/she would lie about what time it is" even if you're both wearing a watch.

What the liers don't realize is that even though this is a big playground, lies are not limited to the little box of text where one types them. It's a great place to build, not just objects, but also social skills and maturity.

One is never too old to grow young here. :)

 

 

 

 

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I have a line in my profile, something that I learned very early in my SL experience,

"Sex is cheap and easy in SL.  Relationships aren't."

Up front and honest is what it has to be if you are going to break up with them.

You simply have to say, we've tried X, we've tried Y, we've tried Z, and it just isn't working for me.  If the other person doesn't have the maturity to accept this, them I question if they have the maturity to be in a relationship.  If this relationship is not what you want out of your SL then you have to say so. And you need to stick to your guns.  Otherwise you are being just as cruel as the person who 'fakes their own death' (and that stuff really sux).

On the other side, I hope you have learned from this.  You made a mistake here entering into this relationship when you were either not ready to or didn't think through the long term ramifications.  I'm not going to let you off the hook on this.  While I know that there are many people who treat all their In World relationships quite casually (and that is their privilege, however wrong I may think it is for them to treat people as disposable property), I personally treat all my friendships here the same way I do RL, I take them seriously.

On a final note, speaking in general now, hoping someone will "get the hint" is a piss poor way to approach a problem because you are asking the other person to assume what you are thinking.  More often than not when I was feeling that someone was ignoring me, when I would talk to them, the response has been, OMG, I'm sorry...I didn't realize or mean to ignore you.....just that I've been doing this or that.  Those are actually some of my best and strongest friendships.

Honestly, I'd rather that someone who doesn't like me or who doesn't want to spend time with me just unfriend me.  Just like I don't like everyone I meet, I don't expect everyone to like me either.  So while yes it might bug me a bit, I don't get bent out of shape when someone does this. 

Thanks

ETA: This was supposed to be in reply to the OP, not JeanneAnne.  STUPID LITHIUM.

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Perrie Juran wrote:

 

ETA: This was supposed to be in reply to the OP, not JeanneAnne.  STUPID LITHIUM.

oh yeah sure! blame the Lithium !!

i STILL like the mountain lion

Jeanne

 

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ouch, Perrie.

"You made a mistake here entering into this relationship when you were either not ready to or didn't think through the long term ramifications.  I'm not going to let you off the hook on this."

Whew, that knocked the wind out of me. Thanks for being direct this time.

Do you know, this has all been very cathartic. He'll be back soon and i'm realizing that i'm missing him. Perhaps i'll find some uforgiveable fault someday :) but for now, after weighing the options here,  I think the only problem is my own discomfort with feeling fettered by it.  Not because i want someone else, but because i feel there is almost a stigma from some quarters, and a couple of friends unfriended me and left my group since i partnered, and i have no idea why after all this time.

Someone mentioned earlier the social awkwardness of going to events alone, but oh well i always have. Not sure why wearing an extra name on my profile feels like it weighs me down, but people do treat you differently.

But no, no, no, i don't ignore him and he has full access to me. 

Meanwhile, yes i am regaining a sense of personhood in my alt.  Don't worry, no relationships.  I am keenly aware of the suspiciousness of using alts, and so is he, so he has a full view in my group.  However, the alt experience is pretty therapeutic for me so far. 

Finally, to be fair, he may actually tire of me first.  For now, i've tried to blow it up, burn it down, and roll it over. It didn't budge.  There is something more to be discovered in it, and new depth by degrees. 

 

 

 

 

 

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12212012 wrote:

 

Someone mentioned earlier the social awkwardness of going to events alone, but oh well i always have. Not sure why wearing an extra name on my profile feels like it weighs me down, but people do treat you differently.
 

 

In one of my posts, referring to my former partner, I said:

Our time together was strictly on his schedule (which I knew going in) but I began tiring of going solo to  special events or parties our friends had that were not within his online schedule.

That did not denote social awkwardness on my part.  I went places solo before I met him and for sure have afterwards.  My particular point was that we would be invited to parties held by coupled friends FOR their other coupled friends and since most of the time he couldn't make it, I would either go alone or not go.  This was akin to going to a party RL where everyone there were couples and being asked, "Where's S?"  "Oh, too bad S. couldn't make it" - which is a lot different than going by myself to a club, etc. where other singles will be as well.  ;)

 

 

 

 

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Pfft, i hear you and i feel your pain. Woke up middle of the night and found myself searching for information about the event he's attending which prevents him from being on this week. Trying to tell myself it's a veracity check.

I'm moving on no matter if it kills me, because this is somewhat unhealthy for me.

At the moment, Perrie's humorous suggestion about making an alt to be the partner is lighting up the problem solving side of my brain.  What if my real life husband decides to join me in sl???

Hmmm, not such a bad idea now, is it?

 

 

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JeanneAnne wrote:

how committed to your avatar are you? if not so much just get a new account, create another character & disappear .. you could have an alt IM your sl partner claiming to be a relative informing him youd been killed by a mountain lion .. or something .. if you want to keep playing your main avatar tho .. & your partner will keep bugging you then i guess youll just hav2 block him

Jeanne

 

Faking death is the cold hearted cowards way out and is extremely cruel to some one who cares about you.  After a long term releationship such as this, regardless of how you feel personally, you owe it to your partner to treat them better than this when they do not wish to end it too.  Honesty may hurt them but faking death can have devastating consequences that carry over to RL. 

 

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Amethyst Jetaime wrote:


JeanneAnne wrote:

how committed to your avatar are you? if not so much just get a new account, create another character & disappear .. you could have an alt IM your sl partner claiming to be a relative informing him youd been killed by a mountain lion .. or something .. if you want to keep playing your main avatar tho .. & your partner will keep bugging you then i guess youll just hav2 block him

Jeanne

 

Faking death is the cold hearted cowards way out and is extremely cruel to some one who cares about you.  After a long term releationship such as this, regardless of how you feel personally, you owe it to your partner to treat them better than this when they do not wish to end it too.  Honesty may hurt them but faking death can have devastating consequences that carry over to RL. 

 

well Amethyst .. if faking death is a cold hearted cowards way out .. i guess a person could actually kill themselves .. would you like that better?

Jeanne

 

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Crazy idea...but how about being honest to the one that was loved once? Faking death is a way more hurting than clear up the thing like adults should do.

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JeanneAnne wrote:


Amethyst Jetaime wrote:


JeanneAnne wrote:

how committed to your avatar are you? if not so much just get a new account, create another character & disappear .. you could have an alt IM your sl partner claiming to be a relative informing him youd been killed by a mountain lion .. or something .. if you want to keep playing your main avatar tho .. & your partner will keep bugging you then i guess youll just hav2 block him

Jeanne

 

Faking death is the cold hearted cowards way out and is extremely cruel to some one who cares about you.  After a long term releationship such as this, regardless of how you feel personally, you owe it to your partner to treat them better than this when they do not wish to end it too.  Honesty may hurt them but faking death can have devastating consequences that carry over to RL. 

 

well Amethyst .. if faking death is a cold hearted cowards way out .. i guess a person could actually kill themselves .. would you like that better?

Jeanne

 

I don't know how you make this leap of logic from Amethyst's post.  Seriously.

I've actually seen this happen in SL, the 'faked death,' and it is no fun for anyone involved.  It not only affects the person they were closest too but every one they were involved with.  I watched the planning for the Memorial and everything associated with it.

If you think that someone faking their death is funny in any way, that it was just the pixels on the screen, then I really would say screw you. 

For you to lay this at Amethyst's feet is just plain cold.

Some of us do really actually care about the people on the other side of the screen.

 

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12212012 wrote:

ouch, Perrie.

"You made a mistake here entering into this relationship when you were either not ready to or didn't think through the long term ramifications.  I'm not going to let you off the hook on this."

Whew, that knocked the wind out of me. Thanks for being direct this time.

Do you know, this has all been very cathartic. He'll be back soon and i'm realizing that i'm missing him. Perhaps i'll find some uforgiveable fault someday
:)
but for now, after weighing the options here,  I think the only problem is my own discomfort with feeling fettered by it.  Not because i want someone else, but because i feel there is almost a stigma from some quarters, and a couple of friends unfriended me and left my group since i partnered, and i have no idea why after all this time.

Someone mentioned earlier the social awkwardness of going to events alone, but oh well i always have. Not sure why wearing an extra name on my profile feels like it weighs me down, but people do treat you differently.

But no, no, no, i don't ignore him and he has full access to me. 

Meanwhile, yes i am regaining a sense of personhood in my alt.  Don't worry, no relationships.  I am keenly aware of the suspiciousness of using alts, and so is he, so he has a full view in my group.  However, the alt experience is pretty therapeutic for me so far. 

Finally, to be fair, he may actually tire of me first.  For now, i've tried to blow it up, burn it down, and roll it over. It didn't budge.  There is something more to be discovered in it, and new depth by degrees. 

 

 

 

 

 

I learned my lesson the hard way, by experience.  I had someone leave me in SL and the feeling every day afterward that I was logging into a desert was very real.  I'd log in to my house and just stand there, having no desire to do anything or see anyone.

But also in the midst of that I realized that I had done the same thing to someone else someone who had remained a friend.  I went and had a long talk with her about it, about what I had learned, and have to say she was a better person than I was at the time.   We are now the best of friends.

Life goes on and I am a much happier person now. 

Some people think that some of us our fools for taking seriously the fact that it is another person on the other end.  Maybe we are.  But my attitude is this, something a friend once said to me, "I would rather be hurt by someone than to ever think that I had hurt someone."

And I do really wish you the best.

 

 

eta to correct typonese

 

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Perrie Juran wrote:


JeanneAnne wrote:


Amethyst Jetaime wrote:


JeanneAnne wrote:

how committed to your avatar are you? if not so much just get a new account, create another character & disappear .. you could have an alt IM your sl partner claiming to be a relative informing him youd been killed by a mountain lion .. or something .. if you want to keep playing your main avatar tho .. & your partner will keep bugging you then i guess youll just hav2 block him

Jeanne

 

Faking death is the cold hearted cowards way out and is extremely cruel to some one who cares about you.  After a long term releationship such as this, regardless of how you feel personally, you owe it to your partner to treat them better than this when they do not wish to end it too.  Honesty may hurt them but faking death can have devastating consequences that carry over to RL. 

 

well Amethyst .. if faking death is a cold hearted cowards way out .. i guess a person could actually kill themselves .. would you like that better?

Jeanne

 

I don't know how you make this leap of logic from Amethyst's post.  Seriously.

I've actually seen this happen in SL, the 'faked death,' and it is no fun for anyone involved.  It not only affects the person they were closest too but every one they were involved with.  I watched the planning for the Memorial and everything associated with it.

If you think that someone faking their death is funny in any way, that it was just the pixels on the screen, then I really would say screw you. 

For you to lay this at Amethyst's feet is just plain cold.

Some of us do really actually care about the people on the other side of the screen.

 

Errrr...I said this some posts back. *Grins*

Re: memorials - the first time I encountered this "fake death" scenario was in the late 90's on IRC.  A longtime member of a rp group supposedly died and her "daughter" came to the channel to let us know.  Her online partner and close friends were devastated.  As you said, Perrie, a memorial was planned.  I arrived at the memorial to find the channel furious.  I'm not sure how it was discovered but the woman was indeed alive and well and her previously grieving friends now feeling a mixture of betrayal, confusion, and anger.  I never heard of the motive behind it but this woman gained the "honor" of being the only person perma-banned from that channel.

Did she feel sorry for how she had treated her friends?  Apparently not as she joined another rp channel and went merrily on her way.  As I said in my previous post on this subject, this was my first experience with "faked death online" but unfortunately not my last and from just the responses on this one thread alone we see it is not uncommon.  I think of my dear friend who did die last year.  I'm quite sure she would have loved some more time on earth to be with her husband, two sons, RL friends and being on SL.

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Perrie Juran wrote:


JeanneAnne wrote:


Amethyst Jetaime wrote:


JeanneAnne wrote:

how committed to your avatar are you? if not so much just get a new account, create another character & disappear .. you could have an alt IM your sl partner claiming to be a relative informing him youd been killed by a mountain lion .. or something .. if you want to keep playing your main avatar tho .. & your partner will keep bugging you then i guess youll just hav2 block him

Jeanne

 

Faking death is the cold hearted cowards way out and is extremely cruel to some one who cares about you.  After a long term releationship such as this, regardless of how you feel personally, you owe it to your partner to treat them better than this when they do not wish to end it too.  Honesty may hurt them but faking death can have devastating consequences that carry over to RL. 

 

well Amethyst .. if faking death is a cold hearted cowards way out .. i guess a person could actually kill themselves .. would you like that better?

Jeanne

 

I don't know how you make this leap of logic from Amethyst's post.  Seriously.

I've actually seen this happen in SL, the 'faked death,' and it is no fun for anyone involved.  It not only affects the person they were closest too but every one they were involved with.  I watched the planning for the Memorial and everything associated with it.

If you think that someone faking their death is funny in any way, that it was just the pixels on the screen, then I really would say screw you. 

For you to lay this at Amethyst's feet is just plain cold.

Some of us do really actually care about the people on the other side of the screen.

 

well .. you know .. to begin with .. i was just kidding about the mountain lion ..

but the fact of the matter is that if one faked their own death in sl .. or simply disappeared by getting an alt & abandoning their old avatar .. or just banned the other person & never spoke to them again .. how are they ever going to know about or be affected by what this may or may not do to the other person?

you may think its immoral or cruel or cold but what consequence is there to it to the person who does it?

im not passing any judgement as to whether someone "should" or "should not" fake their death or otherwise be cold hearted .. im saying that ppl DO such things because they CAN get away with it .. just like putting up ban lines .. whats to keep them from it?

& whats to keep them from not caring about whether you or anyone else approves of their behavior? you can moralize & pontificate all you want .. that doesnt force anyone to conform to what you think is right 

some might say that if the person who is hurt is so silly as to take a game & RP romance seriously .. they deserve to be hurt to teach them a lesson .. & once again im not necessarily condoning such an attitude & approach to the game .. just saying that if this is the way someone chooses to play SL whats to keep them from it?

so take SL relationships seriously at your own peril

Jeanne

 

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Czari Zenovka wrote:


Did she feel sorry for how she had treated her friends?  Apparently not ...

She may have thot the whole thing was hilarious .. and once again im not saying that i think its funny or approve of it .. so dont say i do .. but the point is ..

that anyone may be like this and get away with it & anyone with any sense realizes this so if they end up heartbroken over betrayed trust or unrequited internet love .. they really have no one to blame but themselves .. sure you can blame the person who did the betraying but they may just laugh at you or not care

so the sensible person approaches internet relationships w/ a grain of salt .. doesnt become too attached .. roleplays love .. cuz this way .. if they end up played for a fool by some unscrupulous person .. its not that big a deal

if you think this is cold hearted then go ahead & take love with a stranger seriously & risk having your heart broken

Jeanne

 Edited to add: when i say "you" i dont mean you in particular Czari ;)  im just speaking to ppl in general

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JeanneAnne wrote

so the sensible person approaches internet relationships w/ a grain of salt .. doesnt become too attached .. roleplays love .. cuz this way .. if they end up played for a fool by some unscrupulous person .. its not that big a deal


 

And people get played the fool all the time in RL too.  So by that logic, we should all take our RL relationships with a grain of salt.

Simply because someone can hide behind the anonymity of the Internet to do it does not make it any more or less right.

Because of the way people abuse the anonymity of the Internet, yes we need to be more careful.  But taking everything with a grain of salt, phttttttttt.  It does not make it any more right.

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Jeanne, i do appreciate the humor about the mountain lion.  And i somewhat agree that in these kind of sl romances, where there is no intent to take it to real life, no matter how real it feels, and no matter what the other person says, it really is a sort of role play. 

You guys have done a great service grounding me, personally.  I appreciate your spirit of sharing and not being afraid to dust off the personal anecdotes to shed some light.  Jeanne, i read your last couple of posts more carefully to get the spirit of what you are saying.  I think i would add that while it may sound cruel to say that anyone silly enough to believe in the reality of the second life romance deserves to be jarred awake, it is also true that we can get hooked on even the drama we pretend to hate.  Finally, when we just want to take our blanket and go home, we are tired and hardly able to separate fantasy from reality, because no matter what any of you say, it is TOTALLY BLENDED in Second Life.

The partner and i have had this conversation quite a few times, and even though he has agreed that what we do is "officially" role play, there is no doubt that he treats it like a real "relationship" and i have been flattered by that.  So, yes i've been swept up in it but then i snap out of it when he gets caught up in his real life for awhile and I feel left alone.

 

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Czari, one more time, i absolutely agree. Faking death to escape an internet relationship is probably as morally bad as hacking their account, even their bank account. 

Your details about the history of it from your perspective were fascinating. Now i'm afraid i'll not believe it's real when anyone here supposedly dies, and that is the real shame.

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>>And people get played the fool all the time in RL too.  So by that logic, we should all take our RL relationships with a grain of salt.<<

thats right .. i agree .. until one Really gets to know the other person well & for a sufficient amount of time .. it behooves one to maintain a certain reserve .. a certain skepticism about what the other persons motives really are .. & even after one knows his or her partner well & has come to trust them implicitily .. they can always change & end up diappointing you .. so to my mind its only rational to stay centered & not allow ones own happiness to depend solely on someone else

>>Simply because someone can hide behind the anonymity of the Internet to do it does not make it any more or less right.<<

Perrie .. i never said such things are "right" .. im saying that whether theyre right or wrong is beside the point .. you can end up heartbroken & clinging to your self-vindication over having been wronged .. or you can insulate yourself from being wronged by keeping in mind that you may be being played all along .. that way when you end up being wronged it wont hurt you so much .. & if the other person is sincere & never does you wrong you havent lost anything by being mindful that they may turn out to be insincere after all

>>Because of the way people abuse the anonymity of the Internet, yes we need to be more careful.  But taking everything with a grain of salt, phttttttttt.  It does not make it any more right.<<


basically all im saying is that one needs to be careful .. & no .. the anonymity of the internet doesnt make deceitfulness any more right but it does make it easier .. & there are going to be unscrupulous ppl who take advantage of this to deceive .. right or wrong or not

Jeanne

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great post 12212012

i know that it may be difficult to maintain perspective when caught up in the whirlwind of romance .. & i know that it may be easier for some than for others depending on personality .. & i know that sometimes ppl luck out & find real love online that may transfer over into rl .. & i know that not everyone is a player & that good hearted ppl do exist .. & im sortuv addressing my posts to you & your situation but im also addressing them to the topic of internet relationships in general .. i hope the best for you & for your friend .. however you decide to do what you need to do .. so .. Good Luck !!

Jeanne

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JeanneAnne wrote:

 

<snip>

...so the sensible person approaches internet relationships w/ a grain of salt ..in general

I would have to agree with this particular point for the reason that the very nature of the internet lends anonymity to people who are, imo, already so-inclined to let out the worst part of themselves but keep it more subdued in RL due to more direct consequences - such as having their butt kicked or divorce papers slapped on them.

I've always been the "too trusting" type and when I first ventured onto the net, back when dinosaurs still roamed the earth, believed that what everyone said online was true because that is who *I* was.  After getting hit up the side of the head with a virtual 2x4 quite a few times, I gradually became a bit more "internet savvy" in relationships.  I don't want to live as a distrustful person and have walls up all the time because, for me, it's a sad way to live; HOWEVER, I do think going slow with online relationships, including knowing there are some top notch con artists online, is commonsense.  We teach our children to be wary of who they meet online then sometimes we adults "forget" that advice, especially when the heart is involved.  Been there, done that, have the battle scars.

 

 

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12212012 wrote:

 

Your details about the history of it from your perspective were fascinating. Now i'm afraid i'll not believe it's real when anyone here supposedly dies, and that is the real shame.

Oh gosh...I didn't want to leave that impression with you.  It has been my experience that when a death is faked...it will eventually show itself for what it is.  From my anecdotes the "faked dead people" didn't *stay* "dead" - they were likely around as an alt, a different nick on text-based venues, watching the reaction and eventually resurfaced again.

If someone you know or know of online dies, the truth will be known there as well; either someone close to the person can vouch for it or, as the case with my friend, her husband called to let me know.  Another friend with whom I played EQ died in a car accident years ago.  I was no longer playing EQ at the time, but a member of our guild who remembered he and I were good friends had heard about it.  I knew his RL name and where he lived, ran a Google search, and found several newspaper articles about the accident that listed his name (it was a freak multi-car pile up on a crowded interestate) as well as his obituary.

*Pauses*

Several friends tell me I should write a book about some of my experiences...I didn't realize I had so many....lol.  Okay, let's see....we've gotten away from your original post (me included).  OTOH, I have found this a very interesting and enlightening discussion and thank you for starting the thread. 

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Feelings are probably the most real thing that can be experienced, whatever we call them. emotions. heartbreak. disappointment. it's all absolutely personal.

fiction is our tool here, and some of us jump right in, others sooner or later.

actually, from what i've heard, it seems it's not at all unusual for the role play head to real life.  So there is no place to check your heart at the door, and no sameness of everyday reality to keep you grounded. 

Very much like a drug.

It only takes 10L to partner, and 25L to unpartner.  Now that's a funny way to show a sliding scale. Maybe it should cost prohibitively more each time a person does it. 

 

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