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12212012

How in the world do you break up in sl?? Help!

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hello Forum followers,

The question is how to break up or unpartner? or should you?

A few months ago, I partnered here with a perfect sl boyfriend. Our real life situations are very similar so there is not the stress of feeling one is infringing on the other's time that might better be spent looking for a "real life" date or relationship.

However, I have had too much of it and honestly it annoys me far too much when I have inevitable feelings of being ignored, taken for granted, or even the other extreme--loved too much and smothered.

It might seem obvious to just unpartner and let the chips fall but this one is dug in deep.  If I can finally extricate, I hope to never partner again, or even to give anyone the false hope of it.  I am far too independent as an avatar, and in real life I have been married for oh, a million years, as has my partner.  When this sl relationship begins to feel "stuck" it reminds me of the difficulties of real life marriage. Then I ask myself why try to emulate a marriage? I am not the biggest fan of it at all, but a person that stays the distance in real life and has been unhappy because of it.

Basically, I am unsuited for what comes after the whirlwind romance.  The worst thing is that the partner travels and is often away for awhile.  At those times I come to my senses but find it very hard to let go of the "role play" and I just want to get out of it because it feels like "waiting" and also it feels like the partner could write more often, so then it feels more like role play and less like real feelings, at least to me.

How in the world do you end these things? My partner states a level of feeling that is just not possible for me most of the time. It makes me feel REALLY GUILTY that I want to break up for really no reason.  The partner's reaction kills me every time we try to discuss it--way too much guilt that makes me feel somewhat played.

Does anyone have some wisdom to share on this? Believe me I don't want to hurt anyone, and the sad truth is that to enter a partnering with some people here is as if to marry them in real life. Then guess what, double the unhappiness and conflict. 

I am full of sighs.

We have already tried before to work this out, and the pain goes both ways. I don't want them but probably don't want anyone else to have them either.  However, the partner says they will leave sl if we break up but last time they thought I left, they went out shopping for a new look.  That amused me so much we made up.

Please, all of you wise ones, somebody say something that will give me a grip.  Why can I not just enjoy this as a role play that is really very real, and let it go?? Don't know why, but I know it's too real and when it isn't perfect, I want out. The sl romance is such a sweet thing to behold from afar.  Because it bothers me, I just want to be out of it and not have my feelings played  all the time, good or bad.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.  Any advice, serious or humorous, may help.

 

 

 

 

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If you aren't happy just end it. Be honest and just go. No point staying with someone when you are unhappy. It's best to just be done with it and not string the other person along.

 

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That's so sensible, thank you.  Already tried that, and i'm not stringing anyone along that doesn't want to be.  I'd like to hear some stories of how others struggled the same way with the "big breakup."  I've been there before and there was always a good reason.  This time i don't have one, and am beginning to understand why some people just never log in again, but that's my avi and I really relate to her or this wouldn't be a problem.

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Well, my heart is all mixed up. My mind wants to be clear of it. Pretty scary the things sl teaches us about ourselves. I'm afraid it's teaching me that i don't know love at all. I should just focus on being the best av i can be.  For now, that happens to be part of a couple. Someday, i hope to understand why that is not making me happy.

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You just end it. Don't let them guilt you into staying especially if you are unhappy, it's not going to get any better. Unpartner him and if you have to mute him and take him off your friend's list. I know it hurts and that you don't want to hurt anyone else but someone has to step up and take control. I never can understand why someone would stay in an unhappy relationship either in SL or in RL but that's an entirely different subject and one I don't want to get into. :-) So cry, mourn the loss and move on. SL is full of wonder and inspiring things, not everything hinges on being partnered or married. I hope you can move on. :-)

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I was partnered for 3 years.  You're right - the dating, romancing, everything leading up to the partnership ceremony is wonderful - just like RL.  Our first year and a half was great...much like RL.  Then, as you have stated, I began feeling taken for granted.  My partner knew that celebrating special occasions was important to me but he didn't do anything for them.  Our time together was strictly on his schedule (which I knew going in) but I began tiring of going solo to  special events or parties our friends had that were not within his online schedule.  We began arguing regularly.

After having been together 95% of our online time for 3 years, it was very hard to make the break.  We also split (as in unpartnered, but still basically stayed together...lol) at least once or twice and, usually within the week, got repartnered.  A particular issue began bothering me.  It is on a personal note so I won't go into it but, due to that issue, I spoke to my partner many times during our last year together, explaining my concerns and offering him "outs" from our partnership each time so he could pursue whatever and we could remain friends.  Each time he turned down the "out" and swore he wanted to be with me.

Then came his SL cheating which I found out about in a rather amusing manner, looking back on it, but at the time it devastated me.  I should have left then, but....didn't.  We continued together for about another 6 months or so after that but things were never the same.  Finally, one day everything kind of hit me at once and I thought, "Heck with this."  I was the one who owned the parcel where we lived (he never wanted to own land), so I returned his items, took him out of my land group and one or two other groups we had together, defriended/muted him/blocked his email address and set up the security orb in my house to eject him...all without saying anything to him as I had tried to talk to him about the issues many, many MANY times over the years until I was blue in the face. 

And, that was it.  It was hard; the next morning I woke up thinking, "What have I done?"  but knew I just needed time to grieve the relationship and move on.  About two months later I sent an email to him explaining why I did something so drastic.  Didn't get a reply for about a month, but when I did, he basically agreed we needed to move on and he didn't think seeing each other as friends was a good idea.  In retrospect he was right.  Continuing to see him would have just prolonged the pain.

That was over 2 years ago.  To my knowledge he is no longer in SL but, prior to our parting, he said he was getting tired of SL and just coming in to see me.

My situation had a few different twists and turns than yours does, but as harsh as it seems, if talking, explaining why you want out, etc. hasn't worked and worse - you get guilt-tripped, maybe the clean break would work.  I'm sorry you're in this position.  The interesting thing is, from my experience in SL dating, when a guy wants to break up they either mute/unfriend me without saying anything - which sends a clear message...lol...or they say, "This isn't working" and move on.  Why is it so hard for some of us women to break up?

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Heart Brimmer wrote:

SL is full of wonder and inspiring things, not everything hinges on being partnered or married. I hope you can move on. :-)

QFT!!!!

 

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Sure,  i really wish there was "someone to step in and take control" so i wouldn't have to, like a relationship mentor or something...funny to think on. Imagine a mole in a striped polo shirt popping up out of the floor and blowing a whistle: "YOU TWO TAKE FIVE!" and sidelining us so that we have to stay apart for the "penalty period" of say five months.  Well, funny as it sounds, something similar happened to me before. Due to a technical glitch, an ex who i got together with seasonally (each time the same story--reconnected but never the same) was finally getting to me. Somehow he was muted not in sl but from my computer itself. It may have been that muting him on a service outside SL applied a mute here, i never knew why. Made me very sad when i thought he had muted me too, but it worked.

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Thank you for sharing, Czari.  That does sound an awful lot like how some people cling and repel and try every different way to define the relationship in real life, only to eventually give it up.  Whew, sl relationships should be fairy tales or head straight to real life.  It's just too much to parce, this going back and forth from sl to real life in your mind. No matter how dedicated one or both are to the relationship, it's work if you have to work at it. And because these are real life hours we spend waiting here, the obvious answer is not to.

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12212012 wrote:

Sure,  i really wish there was "someone to step in and take control" so i wouldn't have to, like a relationship mentor or something...funny to think on. Imagine a mole in a striped polo shirt popping up out of the floor and blowing a whistle: "YOU TWO TAKE FIVE!" and sidelining us so that we have to stay apart for the "penalty period" of say five months.  Well, funny as it sounds, something similar happened to me before. Due to a technical glitch, an ex who i got together with seasonally (each time the same story--reconnected but never the same) was finally getting to me. Somehow he was muted not in sl but from my computer itself. It may have been that muting him on a service outside SL applied a mute here, i never knew why. Made me very sad when i thought he had muted me too, but it worked.

Maybe that's what you need to do, then. Mute him and see what happens. But, SL is about escaping RL and having fun. If you are finding that it is more and more like RL then it's going to have to YOU that steps up and takes control. Being unhappy is not good. Why did you come into SL in the first place? Was it to find a relationship? Or was it to have fun and escape for a few hours the RL that is not so great? If you answered to the second one then by all means go out, explored, listen to some live music and just have fun. Like I said before, SL is NOT about finding a relationship (unless it's what you want) it's about the fantasy, the fun, the wonder of everything that everyone has built here. 

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12212012 wrote:

hello Forum followers,

The question is how to break up or unpartner? or should you?

A few months ago, I partnered here with a perfect sl boyfriend. Our real life situations are very similar so there is not the stress of feeling one is infringing on the other's time that might better be spent looking for a "real life" date or relationship.

However, I have had too much of it and honestly it annoys me far too much when I have inevitable feelings of being ignored, taken for granted, or even the other extreme--loved too much and smothered.

It might seem obvious to just unpartner and let the chips fall but this one is dug in deep.  If I can finally extricate, I hope to never partner again, or even to give anyone the false hope of it.  I am far too independent as an avatar, and in real life I have been married for oh, a million years, as has my partner.  When this sl relationship begins to feel "stuck" it reminds me of the difficulties of real life marriage. Then I ask myself why try to emulate a marriage? I am not the biggest fan of it at all, but a person that stays the distance in real life and has been unhappy because of it.

Basically, I am unsuited for what comes after the whirlwind romance.  The worst thing is that the partner travels and is often away for awhile.  At those times I come to my senses but find it very hard to let go of the "role play" and I just want to get out of it because it feels like "waiting" and also it feels like the partner could write more often, so then it feels more like role play and less like real feelings, at least to me.

How in the world do you end these things? My partner states a level of feeling that is just not possible for me most of the time. It makes me feel REALLY GUILTY that I want to break up for really no reason.  The partner's reaction kills me every time we try to discuss it--way too much guilt that makes me feel somewhat played.

Does anyone have some wisdom to share on this? Believe me I don't want to hurt anyone, and the sad truth is that to enter a partnering with some people here is as if to marry them in real life. Then guess what, double the unhappiness and conflict. 

I am full of sighs.

We have already tried before to work this out, and the pain goes both ways. I don't want them but probably don't want anyone else to have them either.  However, the partner says they will leave sl if we break up but last time they thought I left, they went out shopping for a new look.  That amused me so much we made up.

Please, all of you wise ones, somebody say something that will give me a grip.  Why can I not just enjoy this as a role play that is really very real, and let it go?? Don't know why, but I know it's too real and when it isn't perfect, I want out. The sl romance is such a sweet thing to behold from afar.  Because it bothers me, I just want to be out of it and not have my feelings played  all the time, good or bad.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.  Any advice, serious or humorous, may help.

 

 

 

 

how committed to your avatar are you? if not so much just get a new account, create another character & disappear .. you could have an alt IM your sl partner claiming to be a relative informing him youd been killed by a mountain lion .. or something .. if you want to keep playing your main avatar tho .. & your partner will keep bugging you then i guess youll just hav2 block him

Jeanne

 

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JeanneAnne wrote:


12212012 wrote:

hello Forum followers,

The question is how to break up or unpartner? or should you?

A few months ago, I partnered here with a perfect sl boyfriend. Our real life situations are very similar so there is not the stress of feeling one is infringing on the other's time that might better be spent looking for a "real life" date or relationship.

However, I have had too much of it and honestly it annoys me far too much when I have inevitable feelings of being ignored, taken for granted, or even the other extreme--loved too much and smothered.

It might seem obvious to just unpartner and let the chips fall but this one is dug in deep.  If I can finally extricate, I hope to never partner again, or even to give anyone the false hope of it.  I am far too independent as an avatar, and in real life I have been married for oh, a million years, as has my partner.  When this sl relationship begins to feel "stuck" it reminds me of the difficulties of real life marriage. Then I ask myself why try to emulate a marriage? I am not the biggest fan of it at all, but a person that stays the distance in real life and has been unhappy because of it.

Basically, I am unsuited for what comes after the whirlwind romance.  The worst thing is that the partner travels and is often away for awhile.  At those times I come to my senses but find it very hard to let go of the "role play" and I just want to get out of it because it feels like "waiting" and also it feels like the partner could write more often, so then it feels more like role play and less like real feelings, at least to me.

How in the world do you end these things? My partner states a level of feeling that is just not possible for me most of the time. It makes me feel REALLY GUILTY that I want to break up for really no reason.  The partner's reaction kills me every time we try to discuss it--way too much guilt that makes me feel somewhat played.

Does anyone have some wisdom to share on this? Believe me I don't want to hurt anyone, and the sad truth is that to enter a partnering with some people here is as if to marry them in real life. Then guess what, double the unhappiness and conflict. 

I am full of sighs.

We have already tried before to work this out, and the pain goes both ways. I don't want them but probably don't want anyone else to have them either.  However, the partner says they will leave sl if we break up but last time they thought I left, they went out shopping for a new look.  That amused me so much we made up.

Please, all of you wise ones, somebody say something that will give me a grip.  Why can I not just enjoy this as a role play that is really very real, and let it go?? Don't know why, but I know it's too real and when it isn't perfect, I want out. The sl romance is such a sweet thing to behold from afar.  Because it bothers me, I just want to be out of it and not have my feelings played  all the time, good or bad.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.  Any advice, serious or humorous, may help.

 

 

 

 

how committed to your avatar are you? if not so much just get a new account, create another character & disappear .. you could have an alt IM your sl partner claiming to be a relative informing him youd been killed by a mountain lion .. or something .. if you want to keep playing your main avatar tho .. & your partner will keep bugging you then i guess youll just hav2 block him

Jeanne

 

Mountain lion :matte-motes-big-grin:

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Make an Alt and have an affair with yourself.

That is after all what you are wanting to do.  Nothing wrong with that.

Besides, that is what many (not all, but many) SL relationships really are.  People having affairs with themselves and involving another person in it.

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Jeanne, thank you for the practical perspective on this. You've described a memorable exit for me, the mountain lion.  Anyway, your advice makes me realize there is no better way to make a break than to grow away.  He's just too nice a person to lie to, and after all I'm just unhappy with some abstract quality of being partnered here.  The best way for me not to think about being partnered is to not look at my profile and yes log in with an alt.

Time is still a thread in the life of the avatar.  We don't age, we get new shapes and skins, and the land is reloaded almost daily.  But still our experience ages, and our relationships mature as I've already seen.  In my case, I might just let it continue to play out.

After all, as Czari mentioned, most of them eventually cheat, so all one has to do is wait around long enough, loool.  Then again, that would kill me, at least for a day, so I would never do that either.

One of the risks of questioning a relationship like a specimen under glass, is that you want to test it.  That's not fair to the other person, but you do whatever you have to do to get it moving towards communication, I guess. 

Thanks for your thinking.

 

 

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Or how about you show class. Snuggle up to your SL man and say, "Listen, guy, I'm bored of you. You're a great guy, i wish you the best. It's not you, it's me. Ciao baby." 


Then you leave and mute/never speak to this person again.

No mountain lions, no mountains of lies.

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Trust your gut, with the understanding that the right answer is probably that tough one, right over there behind the easy outs.

Or, you could simply trust in the truth of your own name to bring the end you seek.

Good luck.

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ok...I'm no expert on relationships...I'm not a counselor (nor do I play one on TV), so take this with a grain of salt. Before you just up and leave, is it worth talking to you partner about what you're feeling? If it were me, and I thought things were good...then all of a sudden BOOM!!! I'm unpartnered, muted and left alone, I'd be pretty confused. See if you can work it out. If you're bored, maybe you can find other things to do together. Maybe your partner feels the same way, who knows?? Have you asked???

If that doesn't work, you probably owe them the courtesy to say goodbye.

Good Luck

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agreed with being upfront.  but if they're stalking you, blocking only goes so far.  because alt's exist they can create one and just be a "new person". scary in some ways. :/

unfortunately you can't block their "IP" or whatever.  don't even know if that's applicable for SL. 0_o

 

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Rayse Senizen wrote:

agreed with being upfront.  but if they're stalking you, blocking only goes so far.  because alt's exist they can create one and just be a "new person". scary in some ways.
:/

unfortunately you can't block their "IP" or whatever.  don't even know if that's applicable for SL. 0_o

 

LL can block IPs .. & even do hardware bans .. but tech savvy ppl can get around even that .. for better of for worse

Jeanne

 

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Tex Monday wrote:

ok...I'm no expert on relationships...I'm not a counselor (nor do I play one on TV), so take this with a grain of salt. Before you just up and leave, is it worth talking to you partner about what you're feeling? If it were me, and I thought things were good...then all of a sudden BOOM!!! I'm unpartnered, muted and left alone, I'd be pretty confused. See if you can work it out. If you're bored, maybe you can find other things to do together. Maybe your partner feels the same way, who knows?? Have you asked???

If that doesn't work, you probably owe them the courtesy to say goodbye.

Good Luck

I would agree to this except in the cases where one *has* tried to talk to the other party and express clearly issues that were causing concern, in my case for a good year and a half.  I would get lip service to, "Ok, I understand and will do xyz" and then nothing happens.  I *am* a counselor in RL (retired) and this is called passive/aggressive behavior.  After awhile, talking with no results is akin to continually pounding one's head against a brick wall and expecting it won't hurt at some point.

The OP stated that she has also tried talking to her partner but he "guilt trips" her into staying.

Each situation is different, but if one has tried everything they know to be open and honest with no results, that doesn't leave many, if any, options.  I could still be with my former partner to this day, trying to express the same concerns I had over 2 years ago, still getting the "Yes" line from  him but with no follow through, and me possibly just leaving SL altogether, except I decided a long time ago I would not let anyone or any situation "run me off" from SL.

Looking at my situation from the flip side, upon reflection, I think my partner was tiring of SL and possibly me, but didn't know how to break it off, or wasn't man enough to, so we went through about 6 months of "limbo" - partnered but him coming up with more and more excuses as to why he wasn't able to log in more regularly.  I honestly think my final "pulling the plug" was a relief to him.

YMMV

 

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Thanks, Tex. Yes, i agree, it would be horrible to just unpartner and then mute someone simply because you dread the fall-out.  I also believe SL teaches karma, or allows our imaginations to experience it. 

It's a world of imagination, full of fantasy and wonder, but the feelings are as real as anything in our so-called real life.  When we partner, unless there is a pre-agreement about the nature of role-play, we are accepting some responsibility for the other person's feelings. 

I think it's a perfect mirror of real life another way, too.  We tend to project alot and fill in the unknowns with our own imaginings.  Really i think this has been more about how to disconnect my real life from sl.  For me, they remain one in the same.  Because i cannot control real life well enough to satisfy myself, i tend to obsess about every small thing here. 

I appreciate your thoughtful response.

 

 

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12212012 wrote:

well i agree completely there, Vegro,  "no mountain lions, no mountains of lies."

Yes, not a fan of lies either, especially when "a friend/relative/whomever informs the former partner that the person has died.  I have seen this happen all too frequently, beginning with IRC and in some SL cases.  Usually the "deceased" has messed up somehow and wants a new start so the "RL person has died/has cancer/etc." story is concocted.  Not only is this lying but is extremely cruel to those who cared about the person.

One guy in my former rp group on IRC would drop out of sight with no word to anyone for 6 months - year, then show up again with a new nick and pretending to be a different person.  However, some people have speech/typing styles that often give them away and, when confronted, this person would always "fess up with the "explanation" of "RL family issues."  Ok, those happen, but why return trying to be a different person.  I'll call this guy G.

Years later this same group came to SL sans G. who had disappeared again prior to our move to SL.  Not too long afterward, G. sent an IM to a member of our group saying he was also on SL but had no interest in rejoining our group.  Ok, np.  About 6 months later a "friend" of G., whom none of us had ever met, came to our sim to let us know that G. had died in a car accident.  Most of the group was upset but, based on the history and pattern of this guy, I said I highly doubted that was true.  If we heard nothing more in a year....maybe.  (G. told me once years ago he had suffered a heart attack, then when I mentioned it to him later in conversation, he had forgotten he'd told me that and admitted it was a lie.)

True to form, G. contacted our group about 4 months after his apparent "car accident" and said he had let his brother use his SL avatar for awhile, the brother became friends with the person who brought us the news of his demise, and it was his brother who died in the car accident, not him.

Having known this guy for close to 12 years and observing his lies, I think his brother is also alive and well.

I could cite probably at least 10 incidences of this I've seen over the years, some have been documented online as a "warning" to others.

Really sad how low some people will stoop.

 

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