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You should ask about the relationship outside of sl otherwise you stay within that circle
What`s the point to be with a married person you invest time in and knowing it is futile, might aswell stay signle and not even bother knowing you won`t be suckerd again that way

I should really learn to shutup...

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Sonja, I've been following this thread daily and haven't chimed in much (I actually think it's not at all) since my initial responses.  I know you are seeking a friendship that is a notch above casual in SL.  There's nothing wrong with deep friendships in SL (I've had a few and still have a couple over the almost 7 years I've been around SL).  But here's a "lesson" for you:

Keep it real in your mind.  The friendship/relationship is a fantasy (or make believe if you want).  You do not know this person other than what they present to you in SL as a fantasy person......and to make it different from RL you have absolutely no way to knowing this person beyond what that person is willing to tell you.  When you actively seek out a relationship you give out clues to the purpose.  Most people will pick up on those clues and the problem is that there are some who will exploit your desires...........that's where you get hurt.  The lesson is simple..........don't make it a mission to "find" that special someone.  Just let it happen naturally (and, if it's a good relationship, it will happen naturally without any effort on either's part).  That part is exactly like RL.  Be yourself and be causious........don't push it,  Let it happen.  Have fun in the mean time with the people you do meet (one of those just might be the "one".......or that "one" is yet to be met).

There's truth to the statements that SL and RL are intermixed.  After all you are dealing with fantasy avatars that are extensions of real life people........it's impossible to ignore the connection to RL.  But you always have to be vigilant of the less than honest.........in RL you do that too but in RL you have the advantage of seeing the person's eyes, hearing their voice, and observing their body language to get clues about their honesty.  You have none of that in SL.  Take your time, be optimistic (as you certainly already are) but be careful.  Like I've said more than a few times about SL........a little paranoia is a good thing.  Just don't let it control your actions.

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Sonja Smedley wrote:

Yes Peggy thank you...this is true.

I am always searching and this is the mistake I make all the time....

And I am helpless stupid sometimes too...

But I hope I will learn my lessons well...

Thank you

Welcome to the "helpless stupid" human race, Sonja. Searching is what we do best. We're not quite as good at learning lessons from it, but we're still here.

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Sonja Smedley wrote:

I am always searching and this is the mistake I make all the time....


Suffering is a gift Sonja. It makes for interesting things to write about. You think people want to read about how someone looked good and had it easy? No, we want stories of great trials and tribulations, and how you somehow found the strength to carry on. It gives the rest of us a little hope.

 
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I decided to tell my story here on an alt account. 

Several years ago I met a man on sl, I was just coming out of an unhappy marriage, he was stuck in a relationship that no longer worked, we were both honest about our situations from the beginning.

For a long time we were friends, nothing more, then one day I realised he was someone I wanted in my life, and as it turns out he felt the same.

I refused to be the 'other' woman, so he did the right thing and ended his relationship, and eventually we set up home together in rl.

I'd be lying if I said it's been easy, but with a lot of hard work we are doing well, and I don't regret a thing.

I have nothing against married men/women being on sl, but as a single person we have to decided what is right for us, and what our conscience allows us to live with.

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Sarinda wrote:

I decided to tell my story here on an alt account. 

Several years ago I met a man on sl, I was just coming out of an unhappy marriage, he was stuck in a relationship that no longer worked, we were both honest about our situations from the beginning.

For a long time we were friends, nothing more, then one day I realised he was someone I wanted in my life, and as it turns out he felt the same.

I refused to be the 'other' woman, so he did the right thing and ended his relationship, and eventually we set up home together in rl.

I'd be lying if I said it's been easy, but with a lot of hard work we are doing well, and I don't regret a thing.

I have nothing against married men/women being on sl, but as a single person we have to decided what is right for us, and what our conscience allows us to live with.

I find this kind of sharing and honesty, refreshing and much more meaninful.  Awesome you found someone you really want to be with.

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Sonja Smedley wrote:

For me SL is an escape from RL nothing else.In RL I had bad luck my whole life with men.I think I will never find the real unique love in RL again.I am done with this.But in SL I have still hope to find a partnet who is same like me.My opinion is...live your dream in SL...try not to mix it too much with RL .I want to enjoy everything beautiful SL has to offer and If possible with a partner who has the same reasons to come here as me.And maybe I should not ask about the relations outside of the game.I guess I saw this point wrong all the time.My way should be...SL is SL...RL is something else.In future I dont want to know what happens behind the screen of a SL partner when he or she switches off the computer.Maybe this is the easier way to enjoy SL...I should give it a try.;-)

The best advice for you then is to keep things in character in sl. Don't do voice, cam - the whole rl thing. Keep it strictly  in sl - that way you can live out your fantasies, whatever they might be.

If you are looking for an rl love match - it is better to search in rl. Things like that can happen in sl - but they are rare and it usually takes time to build such a relationship that finally jumps the sl boundary and extends into rl.

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Yes I know...sometimes it can happen that a SL love becomes a RL love.

I had this experience 2 times in SL.

My first big love here was from India...and I guess in my heart I will always love him.

My second love was from Denmark.But this relationship was totally different.

I never had so many fights in SL and RL together in such short time as with this man.

It was kind of love and hate relation I am still not sure what it is or was.

Fact is both relationship became part of my RL ...with webcam and voice, and phone calls....

And both men wanted to meet me in RL in the end.

But another fact is, that my RL is very difficult and the distance was a problem too.

No happy end.

I am not against RL contact but it should also be clear that I want to keep this love in SL If possible.

It´s a weird thing somehow...cause I know I will get feelings in real life too but meeting would not be possible...

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An open letter to my second ex-partner here in second life...cause he read the thread and sent me a very hurting message...so this is my answer ....

 

You suggested to stay in contact on facebook and you told me clear that you don´t love me anymore.And then you really exspect that I write that I adore you at the forum thread???I still do not understand that you wrote in your profile that I am the most important person in your live...it seems that this was only a big lie...you´re still the one that verbally hurts me all the time and you do not even notice that.
I still like you no matter how much you hurt me cause I know you as the person you are. I just find it very sad that you can not be honest with yourself.If I am really such a bad person you always say..then I wonder whether or not you tell me all the time you have played a game with me and I was just simply silly that I fell for it and have developed real feelings to you as a person.You can not imagine what you always going on inside me when I read these lines from you ... do you really even remotely have any idea how I feel then?I know that you feel comfortable in SL anyway because you've got another woman, or even a number of.... men are just like that.
And I have to live with it that you have me deported just after a year, your love was away suddenly was just because there were difficulties on both sides, and yet there are.That would have been no reason to throw everything away but I realize that you are overwhelmed with my personal situation and you could have said that a lot sooner.You were the man for my life has turned around and I'm still not over it that you are treating me as if I were a monster.I wish you well in your future life, and hope that you are happy with another woman I cannot be angry.As I wrote in the forum, it was a totally different relationship with you ... even though we argued so much I knew that we belong together ... I noticed too late that you're there actually disagree.That was my mistake.I do not know what to say except that I am very offended how you treat me now again.
I just can not understand why now all is so different.I miss webcam with you and to speak with you.I thought we could be friends or more outside the game but I can not just take out ... it's just cruel.Yes I know that you are hard and you stay hard and I can not force affection where it is once off, for whatever reason.And I am not sure how to go on in my life now...for you it is easy..you threw me out of your life and it´s done.

 

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SL Woman has a big problem that SL Man is married in real life.

SL Woman breaks up with SL Man. Now SL Woman sad, but SL Man not sad enough - seems to have other SL Women.

SL Woman writes "open letter" in the henhouse forum, making sure everyone understands SL Man is a big jerk for abandoning her, and it doesn't matter that she was the one with the problem and broke with SL Man herself in the first place.

The henhouse clucks a lot and agrees that SL Man is a big jerk, which it did from the start, ever since it was mentioned that it was an SL man.  Man = jerk, this is the party line.

 

SL Woman enjoys letting forum hens call SL Man different bad names, and getting more convinced of her own righteous victimhood. One henperson even said he's a "bad investment", as if SL Man was a sofa, garden hose or pillow set, and SL Woman did not disagree.

SL Woman could be lonely and unhappy long time now, unless she learns how to stand up and fight tooth and nail ANY OTHER HEN for her (future) man, and how to protect him and their love by never ever writing "open letters" that insult SL Man and his privacy, or trying to guilt him. If you're not all on your man's side, really looking out for him instead of only for yourself, then you will never inspire that special and wholesome feeling of love in him; the very feeling that you crave more than anything like every person that wants to be truly happy.

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No judgement meant!  I'm not the judge of SL Woman & Man. Sonja, you have confused me successfully with the "open letter", though.

But a counterweight to the dominating opinion is necessary, don't you think? If the henhouse said you're the jerk, and the man is right, I might be here complaining that no one wants to understand your point of view.

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Vegro Solari wrote:

SL Woman has a big problem that SL Man is married in real life.

...yes I do...but **bleep** happens...

SL Woman breaks up with SL Man. Now SL Woman sad, but SL Man not sad enough - seems to have other SL Women.

...the SL man you are talking about has no other woman...

SL Woman writes "open letter" in the henhouse forum, making sure everyone understands SL Man is a big jerk for abandoning her, and it doesn't matter that she was the one with the problem and broke with SL Man herself in the first place.

...the SL man you are talking about never left me...I suggested to break and he agreed...

The henhouse clucks a lot and agrees that SL Man is a big jerk, which it did from the start, ever since it was mentioned that it was an SL man.  Man = jerk, this is the party line.

 
...this is maybe your opinion..I never called the SL man you are talking about a jerk or anything else...

SL Woman enjoys letting forum hens call SL Man different bad names, and getting more convinced of her own righteous victimhood. One henperson even said he's a "bad investment", as if SL Man was a sofa, garden hose or pillow set, and SL Woman did not disagree.

...well some SL men behave like bad investment...is this my fault?

SL Woman could be lonely and unhappy long time now, unless she learns how to stand up and fight tooth and nail ANY OTHER HEN for her (future) man, and how to protect him and their love by never ever writing "open letters" that insult SL Man and his privacy, or trying to guilt him. If you're not all on your man's side, really looking out for him instead of only for yourself, then you will never inspire that special and wholesome feeling of love in him; the very feeling that you crave more than anything like every person that wants to be truly happy.

...I made the decision to write an open letter to the SL man I MEANT ...sorry that you missunderstood I can imagine it is a little confusing with me but I am only a SL hen you must forgive me...

..and it has serious reasons that I wanted to write it down here cause I know he reads the threads and I wanted him to see it ....so what?


 

 

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Dear Sonja,

 

it is very obvious you love drama. It is very obvious you love airing your relationship problems in a public forum and playing the victim.  I am not sure what you are looking for in sl - but I am pretty sure you are going about it the wrong way. OR....and that is how I see it - you simply love the drama and will continue to move from relationship to relationship - will fall in love again and again - will be disappointed again and again - and the guy will always be the one at fault. And you will always be the victim....and so the drama cycle continues.

If you do not want to do cam, voice, any kind of rl contact - then don't do it! It is up to you - you are an adult.

If you do want to do all those things - then go for it. Enjoy it - but  own it - it is your decision and you are adult.

If you only want the "fantasy" - then keep your relationships in that realm - you are an adult - no one can force or coerce you to do anything in sl. You are an adult - everything you do is done because you choose to do it. Own it.

There was no need to write any kind of open lette to a person who does not even take part in that discussion. If he says things to you that you do not like - mute him. The beauty of sl - we can mute people and do  not have to read them ever again.

Grow up!

E.

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Yes maybe I am a drama queen...I don´t know.

Maybe I love to never grow up cause I hate my RL....and I try to find happiness and love in SL...but I am sure not the victim!

I like to talk about my things and my problems...cause I want to know what people think about it and discuss some problems...I thought this is what a forum is for...(Livestyles and Relationships)...but maybe I am wrong.

And the open letter to this person was necessary...he read it and we had a last chat after that so no worries!
Even If he never made a post in this thread he read it and I knew that.That´s all what counts for me...no matter what other people think about that.

But thanks for your advice.:0)

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Ceka Cianci wrote:


Vegro Solari wrote:

You've heard from the hens, take it now from a rooster. 

Firstly, there's nothing wrong with the man who seeks that emotional connection elsewhere, outside of his good Christian marriage.  It just tells you that this marriage is in part a failure. That's absolutely normal. Maybe his wife is cheating on him in first life. Maybe they hate each other but have to cohabit for practical reasons. It could be anything, you don't know!


He was open with you, told you about his real life, and now you feel bad about it. Gotta admit the fact, that it's your emotional problem, Sonja - not the man's

. I mean, would you rather he never told you? That would be great, and then we could say it's his mistake for not guarding your feelings as much as he could. Problem is, like everyone else, I'm sure you said to each other that you want to always be open and honest. Well it's not always pretty when you are, and people get serious emotional problems from it, and now you're having the same thing happen to you!

If you love being with this particular man in SL, why don't you work on that within yourself and figure out the root of your feelings? Instead of listening to ego-stroking like "you're too good for this guy", and scurrying for some delusional moral high ground driven by the hens clucking on you. All they're really saying is that he already belongs to another woman; so you should back the hell off. But that isn't true - by getting married he did not suddenly become her sole property/slave for all time.

She may take a loss, but you may make a gain at her expense. Who knows! Unless you want to listen to the choir of voices saying that it's so wrong of you to go against another woman's interest.  Maybe it was the case in the 1800s (personally, not convinced), but it's been a while, the world changed, yet a lot of women just can't seem to wake up and face the more competitive reality of modern marriages.  Good men are so rare!

Because if you still think that "marriage is forever", that's way out of touch with modern day when more than half of all marriages end up in divorce. The entire idea comes wholesale from oppressive church dogma, and it boggles the mind how people that normally pride themselves on rejecting old Christian superstitions, are still brainwashed to think of marriages only according to the same old dogma, totally ignoring the people and the situations involved. 

Good luck!

what I said had nothing to do with  christian marrige..

it had to do with this guy being in a bad situation and also her getting into one...if he is  in a relationshoip that he hates..

he'll be miserable half the time...

and when or if he gets divorced and free in the world again..do you really think he would be spending his time with his virtual girl in a virtual world that has invested a lot into him?

like most roosters he'll more than likely be hitting  the single life looking for a real woman he can touch..

because virtual hugs just won't be enough..

that's even if he is in a bad marrige that is about to fold..

i gave her advice because  a married man is a bad invenstment until they can get past the marrige themselves..

she came in here feeling this guys is cheating..nobody here told her he was...

 

a legal marrige is promises made to one another in vows..

it's not a civil union like what you are talking about..like all that "we are gathered here today in  this holy place" bla bla bla stuff..

the vows are the legal binding promises in the legal binding contract..not the religious stuff..

 

see the bottom line is you are wrong..he is cheating and  in a legal marrige if he is actualy married..has nothing to do with religion..she is contributing if she knows about it..

religious marrige is not legal by the state. it is only a religious civil union..

where the priest has to be licensed by the state to make it legal for a couple to make their vows contractually and legally count..

this is why you can sue for adultry or mental cruelty or any of the other things..

bf and gf a judge won't even give you the time of day..

can his chat logs be used against him in a divorce?

you bet they can..
especially  if he is getting all RL with her..

they have been used before..
any help to prove he was cheating even if he never did..it's not murder they will be trying to prove..

 

 

 


I agree with everything you said here, Ceka, mainly because this is exactly what happened to me. Stupid me, fell for a married man in SL, his marriage WAS on the rocks and when he finally did leave her in RL, guess what? He hasn't been back in SL except for maybe 4 times in about a half a year. So, if Vegro says the "other" woman in SL might reap the benefits or however he put it, is so totally wrong. I lost a piece of my heart to this man and I honestly don't think I will ever get it back. But what happened has taught me a very valuable lesson. NEVER get involved with a married man, either in RL or in SL. It can only lead to pain and heartbreak. 

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Sonja Smedley wrote:

Maybe I love to never grow up cause I hate my RL....and I try to find happiness and love in SL...but I am sure not the victim!

If  you hate your real life - and instead of working on improving it - you look for happiness in sl by being a serial relationship victim.....you victimize yourself.

Whenever sl replaces real life and is meant to work as a happy alternative to an unhappy real life ...well, it is simply not a good situation.

If I was your friend I would tell you to concentrate on your real life and improve things there - and to just have fun with friends when you log into sl.

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Sonja; a couple of advices, with all my respect, and for your own good. First; sever ANY and ALL contact with exes. They’re exes for a reason. And most important. Keep private things private. Nothing good can come from doing otherwise.

Most people have or had relationships, (be it in SL or in the real world) and all those relationships have ups, downs and eventually, they may come to an end, but IMO, the wise thing to do is to sort out matters with your partner -when/if you have one- and sever any contact with your exes. And all of this, strictly in private…keep in mind that men do hate drama (and rightly so) most especially SL drama, cause they have clear which SL is all about. To unwind from RL stress and have joyful whiles

 

IMO, this open letter was  quite uncalled for...anyhow, it's just my opinion

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i am lonly for a long time and i fear to meet some one cause it going to chang my life ,

as the same for those who are in couple for long time they fear to be alone.

mabie this is not going well whit his wife and he need to escape but he fear to be alone.

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