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Hello...after weeks I found a very nice man in SL and we shared nice moments together.

I feel that he is same way as me and we enjoy being together in SL.

We also had one time webcam and voice and everything seems perfect....but there is only one point.

He is married and this makes me feel really bad everytime we meet.

We agreed this should only be SL...and we should enjoy every moment.

But everytime after we met, I think about his wife.

Actually he is a man I could fall in love with but his RL holds back my feelings.I cannot let myself go.

I know I was searching only for a SL relationship, but I think this would not be fair to his wife.

For me this is cheating....:-(

What are your opinions...I am helpless and I don´t know how to continue....

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I agree with you. It is cheating. His feelings should be reserved to his wife. If he truly loves her he wouldn't stray like that. What an **bleep**.

if you, against better judgement go for it, do not for a moment think you are not as replaceable as his wife seems to be.

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Yes I know...he told me at the second meeting and I was very surprised...I always ask him about her and he says they are married long time and there is routine and some other problems he did not tell me...but anyway you are so right.

My feeling is bad when I think of this all.I should tell him..cause the last days I always kept myself busy ingame when he came online or logged out soon before he came inworld, but this is no solution.

The point is, he is writing messages every single day that he is missing me...not so easy.

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"...

He is married and this makes me feel really bad everytime we meet.

...

For me this is cheating....:-(

..."

---------------------------------------

That should tell you everything you want to know about this relatiionship.  It appears you know exactly what you need to do but are only looking for a way to make it "easy" on both yourself and him. 

Some things are just not easy...........take a deep breath, do what needs to be done, and move on.  You'll look back, after the intial emptiness, and see that you've done the right thing.......especailly the right thing for yourself.

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Your inner voice is screaming at you that this is not fair on his wife, and so you must stop it now.

If a man can have romantic liaisons with another person, this shows them to be disloyal.  It will only be a matter of time before he does the same with you.

You are worth much better than this.

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Reply to Sonja Smedley  - view message

09-23-201211:02 AM

Your inner voice is screaming at you that this is not fair on his wife, and so you must stop it now.

If a man can have romantic liaisons with another person, this shows them to be disloyal.  It will only be a matter of time before he does the same with you.

You are worth much better than this.

------------------------------------------

Not to mention that his present wife deserves "better than this".  But that's not something you can do anything about.  Do what needs to be done for yourself and, hopefully, doing what's better for the wife (even if you don't know her).

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I would feel horrible...that´s why I feel bad in my situation.

But even If he was honest to me and told me after a time that he is married....

Who really knows in the future If the following men are telling this truth?

What...If I meet someone else and fall in love and he pretends that he is single in RL?

And in real he is not?

You cannot say that it is only my fault that this man is cheating his wife or?

 

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"...

You cannot say that it is only my fault that thman is cheating his wife or?"is

-----------------------------------------------------

No it's not your fault that this man is cheating on his wife.  However, now that you know, you do have to accept some responsibility as long as you allow the situation to continue.

In the end, you have to do what's in your heart.  And, from what I've read so far, your heart is squarely where it needs to be......now, you must do the hard part and put an end to it.

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Yes I will end this today.

Thanks for all your responses...I was not sure If I should make this thread but I felt so guilty the last days and needed to talk with someone.

I know it always takes two to tango..and I made this mistake but I don´t want to be the reason that this woman gets sad.

But no matter..I will move on now.

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the only time it would be partly your fault is when you knowingly contribute..it's his fault for dragging you into something like that..very selfish on his part..

you can't be blamed for future men that don't tell you things about their RL..don't let one man leave a history for others..

you will miss some good things doing that..leave the baggage with him and give each new one a clean slate or you will be condeming them all soon enough..

i've learned that when i want something and my feelings want to lead me..but know it is wrong..that it is the best thing to stick with what you know and not what you feel..

you become a stronger person when you can control your feelings when they want to lead you into a bad situation that will only hurt you..

look how it bothers you now..imagine later when you get in deeper..

a good mix of feelings and knowledge and you will find the one you are looking for in time.. =)

don't settle for less..

 

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You've heard from the hens, take it now from a rooster. 

Firstly, there's nothing wrong with the man who seeks that emotional connection elsewhere, outside of his good Christian marriage.  It just tells you that this marriage is in part a failure. That's absolutely normal. Maybe his wife is cheating on him in first life. Maybe they hate each other but have to cohabit for practical reasons. It could be anything, you don't know!


He was open with you, told you about his real life, and now you feel bad about it. Gotta admit the fact, that it's your emotional problem, Sonja - not the man's

. I mean, would you rather he never told you? That would be great, and then we could say it's his mistake for not guarding your feelings as much as he could. Problem is, like everyone else, I'm sure you said to each other that you want to always be open and honest. Well it's not always pretty when you are, and people get serious emotional problems from it, and now you're having the same thing happen to you!

If you love being with this particular man in SL, why don't you work on that within yourself and figure out the root of your feelings? Instead of listening to ego-stroking like "you're too good for this guy", and scurrying for some delusional moral high ground driven by the hens clucking on you. All they're really saying is that he already belongs to another woman; so you should back the hell off. But that isn't true - by getting married he did not suddenly become her sole property/slave for all time.

She may take a loss, but you may make a gain at her expense. Who knows! Unless you want to listen to the choir of voices saying that it's so wrong of you to go against another woman's interest.  Maybe it was the case in the 1800s (personally, not convinced), but it's been a while, the world changed, yet a lot of women just can't seem to wake up and face the more competetive reality of modern marriages.  Good men are so rare!

Because if you still think that "marriage is forever", that's way out of touch with modern day when more than half of all marriages end up in divorce. The entire idea comes wholesale from oppressive church dogma, and it boggles the mind how people that normally pride themselves on rejecting old Christian superstitions, are still brainwashed to think of marriages only according to the same old dogma, totally ignoring the people and the situations involved. 

Good luck!

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Vegro Solari wrote:

You've heard from the hens, take it now from a rooster. 

Firstly, there's nothing wrong with the man who seeks that emotional connection elsewhere, outside of his good Christian marriage.  It just tells you that this marriage is in part a failure. That's absolutely normal. Maybe his wife is cheating on him in first life. Maybe they hate each other but have to cohabit for practical reasons. It could be anything, you don't know!

 

He was open with you, told you about his real life, and now you feel bad about it. Gotta admit the fact, that it's your emotional problem, Sonja - not the man's

. I mean, would you rather he never told you? That would be great, and then we could say it's his mistake for not guarding your feelings as much as he could. Problem is, like everyone else, I'm sure you said to each other that you want to always be open and honest. Well it's not always pretty when you are, and people get serious emotional problems from it, and now you're having the same thing happen to you!

If you love being with this particular man in SL, why don't you work on that within yourself and figure out the root of your feelings? Instead of listening to ego-stroking like "you're too good for this guy", and scurrying for some delusional moral high ground driven by the hens clucking on you. All they're really saying is that he already belongs to another woman; so you should back the hell off. But that isn't true - by getting married he did not suddenly become her sole property/slave for all time.

She may take a loss, but you may make a gain at her expense. Who knows! Unless you want to listen to the choir of voices saying that it's so wrong of you to go against another woman's interest.  Maybe it was the case in the 1800s (personally, not convinced), but it's been a while, the world changed, yet a lot of women just can't seem to wake up and face the more competetive reality of modern marriages.  Good men are so rare!

Because if you still think that "marriage is forever", that's way out of touch with modern day when more than half of all marriages end up in divorce. The entire idea comes wholesale from oppressive church dogma, and it boggles the mind how people that normally pride themselves on rejecting old Christian superstitions, are still brainwashed to think of marriages only according to the same old dogma, totally ignoring the people and the situations involved. 

Good luck!

what i said had nothing to do with  christian marrige..

it had to do with this guy being in a bad situation and also her getting into one...if he is  in a relationshoip that he hates..

he'll be miserable half the time...

and when or if he gets divorced and free in the world again..do you really think he would be spending his time with his virtual girl in a virtual world that has invested a lot into him?

like most roosters he'll more than likely be hitting  the single life looking for a real woman he can touch..

because virtual hugs just won't be enough..

that's even if he is in a bad marrige that is about to fold..

i gave her advice because  a married man is a bad invenstment until they can get past the marrige themselves..

she came in here feeling this guys is cheating..nobody here told her he was...

 

a legal marrige is promises made to one another in vows..

it's not a civil union like what you are talking about..like all that "we are gathered here today in  this holy place" bla bla bla stuff..

the vows are the legal binding promises in the legal binding contract..not the religious stuff..

 

see the bottom line is you are wrong..he is cheating and  in a legal marrige if he is actualy married..has nothing to do with religion..she is contributing if she knows about it..

religious marrige is not legal by the state. it is only a religious civil union..

where the priest has to be licensed by the state to make it legal for a couple to make their vows contractually and legally count..

this is why you can sue for adultry or mental cruelty or any of the other things..

bf and gf a judge won't even give you the time of day..

can his chat logs be used against him in a divorce?

you bet they can..especially  if he is getting all RL with her..

they have been used before..any help to prove he was cheating even if he never did..it's not murder they will be trying to prove..

 

 

 

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Whilst marital infidelity is considered a mortal crime in the hen-house, in the courthouse it continues to be just one of the many little factors that could (maybe) be taken into account during divorce proceedings. Which themselves only take place in that form if one of the parties is trying to somehow resist the divorce terms.

At no time is it legally about punishing the man for "cheating" as you seem to suggest, Ceka. And most definitely, no one would be punishing Sonja for anything.

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Everytime I say that I feel guilty to him...he says SL is our dream and no one could take someones dream.

And in fact they seem not to be so happy together in RL...which may be the reason for him to enjoy the nice things in SL.

And yes this is true as someone said here...that there were maybe already problems  in their relationship...otherwise a man would not search for love and understanding somewhere else.

I still feel the same...guilty...and I cannot agree with my certain.:-(

He always says I have no reason to feel guilty.

But I cannot do anything against that.

And it is really hard to tell him that we should better not meet anymore.

But in the end it is me who has to do something.

I guess he will accept my decision cause he says he don´t want me to feel bad.

So what...I end up alone again....

 

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some pp are able to live so complex situation... some pp doesnt feel guilty at all..

but sounds like a you are a sensible person and that you are not kind of pp able to live this easily. All you will get from this story will be pain for you and prob for him and his wife.

so yes, from my own experience, the better to do is to run away very far and very quick. 

So you did end this story. but another advice : stop all contacts now before more pain. i know this is hard at first, but so easier than to have to do it later. The more you will keep contacts with him, even as a friend, the more you will be messed with your feelings and his ones too. Noone can be only friend with sm1 for who one's have deeper feeling. i do not trust this. If you have deeper feelings than only friendship, so friendship isnt possible at all.

keep strong. even if its hard today.... you took the good decision early, soon you will realize how you have been lucky to take this decision so early. 

and who knows ? life wont stop tomorrow. maybe later, one day, when all pains will be cured, you ll be able to get new friendly contacts with this person. except death, nothing is really definitive...but for know, just think to protect yourself and avoid any really harder pain.

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i know what you are feeling really well... and i know that your head is saying to you that im right  but your heart says to you that you need him.. 

id like to have a magicwand that would make things easier.

i had to leave my rl bf in may for something a lil similar but really really even worst. 4 monthes after im still deeply in pain. but trust me... the pain is different, its not the same daily torture. 

i know i took the right decision... Even if i miss him... i only miss him....this is already a pain, but u know that if u stay with him, pain will be even worst. you will feel guilty, and soon or later, you will feel bad bec you will have to share him with his wife, and soon or later too, he will hurt you even more....so missing him, trust me, even if its still a pain.. is the lower pain you can have....

Find smth to keep ur mind busy, (i never created so much clothes than since i left him lol); go to shopping, talk with friends, even if the topic is about him... do some hunts, etc.....and you know, its like when you quit smoking, or stop a toxic addiction ......every day won, is a day won..... dont tell you, forever or never... live day after day.... soon, you wont only see the path you have in front of  you, but you will be able to look back and to see the path you already made..... 

When i was really feeling bad at first, a dear friend in sl told me this "Just know i understand what you are feeling"... this lil sentence helped me a lot. 

so my turn today to tell it to you, Just know, i know what u are feeling... you are not alone. 

noone will never judge you if you fail and come back to him... it will be your choice... but whatever you will do, just think you are not alone ... and if you need to talk, no matter the topic... you can im me anytime 

take care Sonja

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