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Measured Love


NealCrz
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NealCrz wrote:

Not sure I can articulate this but going to try as I'd love some broad perspective from around the world.

Been on SL 6 years and let myself love someone a couple times, once over a year and rl visits were part of one.  It's really easy to meet girls on here and could go there like a noob if i wanted too but won't because of what I call measured love.  I find "measured love" seems to be what people want on SL at least as far I've seen.

If i had to sum up what I've seen a lady likes on sl would be a need to be loved, to be desired, and cared for.  They want someone who's faithful, honest, and considerate of their feelings.  Someone to share some fairytale moments with, stability, safety and passion.  Intense passion at that.  A true companion.

At that point is where measured love prevails.  If you let yourself love beyond that point well............

Just curious and thought might be fun to explore this topic.  Just a fun light discussion no haters please. hehe

Perhaps measured love is the right approach???

"Measured love" sounds like a realistic approach for many of us---but we are all unique individuals, and that's what is so utterly amazing about our second lives---there's no one shoe that fits all---just sayin'

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It may be the wording that one gets hung up, but one should know what they are willing to give and willing to take and stick to their convictions. I had SL meet RL work out before, to and extent anyways. We both where making plans and head met several times but... we started to realized we liked being more just friends and we, for lack of better terms, parted ways. We still talk, I still love him just not in love with him. He will always be a dear friend and when we talk it's like time or distance never parted us.

More recently I had it not all work out. "One day" wasn't coming fast enough and he left for RL. And here I linger in hopes that he would be there when I turn around. He was more than addiction for me.

Please, what ever brought you here to SL remember it's a real person behind the avi whether they be totally psychotic or the sweetest person you've ever known, something in the middle or both in the same minute. Be what you expect and want others to be. Be honest with yourself in why you came here and every reason is valid even it spiteful and hurtful or out of lonelyness.

So measured love, there are variations, degrees? Do you love them as a friend, do you lust them. Are your boundries actually there to shield you or help you sort thru the incompatible ones? To what extent are you willing to go for the person you love. And when you tell them you love them, what does that mean to you? Maybe instead of trying to put a locked down meaning on the term 'measured love'. We all go back and ask ourselves what does 'love' mean to us.

PS. Still looking for that 12 step program

Severly lost with out her mate

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Mercy Stark wrote:

....

Please, what ever brought you here to SL remember it's a real person behind the avi whether they be totally psychotic or the sweetest person you've ever known, something in the middle or both in the same minute.
Be what you expect and want others to be.
Be honest with yourself in why you came here and every reason is valid even it spiteful and hurtful or out of lonelyness.

So measured love, there are variations, degrees? Do you love them as a friend, do you lust them. Are your boundries actually there to shield you or help you sort thru the incompatible ones? To what extent are you willing to go for the person you love. And when you tell them you love them, what does that mean to you? Maybe instead of trying to put a locked down meaning on the term 'measured love'. We all go back and ask ourselves what does 'love' mean to us.

PS. Still looking for that 12 step program

Severly lost with out her mate

I'm not sure I can totally agree with the bold, because I think your sense of morality is what matters not what you want/expect others to be; its important that you're true to your own ideals, you can't push that onto someone else. I'm all for letting people be who they want to be, I often think if I can't spot being treated like rubbish then I'm to blame. I think its just important that you're honest and open with what it is that you're thinking and feeling - well, as much as you can be. Everything else is how the other person perceives that and you can't control such things.

Your last paragraph, however, is a really important one for people who are serious on having a relationship in SL. I wish everyone would think about this beforehand, but its hard to know all these details until you're right in the middle of a relationship.

 

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Mercy Stark wrote:

I still love him just not in love with him...

"One day" wasn't coming fast enough and he left for RL. And here I linger in hopes that he would be there when I turn around.

Emotionlessly she kissed me in the vineyard and walked off down the row. We turned at a dozen paces, for love is a duel, and looked at each other for the last time.

-Kerouac, On The Road

 
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This is a fantastic post and bravo to the OP and to the responders .... imho, it should be required reading for those coming into SL or veteran avatars who perhaps have had their heart broken in the metaverse.

Looking forward ro reading more posts on what people think and expand on the dialogue even further. 

Huge kudos and *hugs* :matte-motes-asleep-2:

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"I just have to ask.. you have done it so you know it can work.. ok, well how'd that work for ya? Did you live happily ever after? Take it to rl and live a fairy tale?

You don't have to answer that here cause I already know the answer >.<    There are lots of times 'measured love' is the prudent thing to do.. when there's circumstances that mean it needs to stay in the confines of sl, or perhaps, just shouldn't happen at all."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

@UT I guess looking for fairytales might be what i'm asking about with what 'mesured love' could be compared too and yea what you mentioned is probably the realistic view.  I do think we tend to look at trying as all or nothing.  We have all tried and had success and failures.  Being willing to try and strive forward is one of the wonderful traits we have. smiles

I think Mercy said it really well in this.....

@Mercy

I think  Mercy Stark's experience parallels mine, "I had SL meet RL work out before, to and extent anyways. We both where making plans and head met several times but... we started to realized we liked being more just friends and we, for lack of better terms, parted ways. We still talk, I still love him just not in love with him. He will always be a dear friend and when we talk it's like time or distance never parted us."

@Rosebanks I couldnt agree more really.  True love well rl true love is unconditional.

@Rival "It's like being a little bit pregnant - all or nothing for me as well."  Thats how I've always felt. Not sure I'll ever change it but I do think SL is not like that.

@Jaymyn  hmm,  realistic views I get what you mean

@Kaitlyn  A lot of heartfelt in that. Thanks and welcome back best of luck.

@Wynn  Its finding that common ground quick :) haha

@Randall  What a deep message in that

@ Lady Fandango thanks for posting and me too.  Love the perspectives

 

 

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Be what you expect and want others to be, really isn't that bold. I don't want someone to lie to me so I won't lie to them. I don't want to be cheated on so why would I cheat on them. If I can't live up to the same expectations I look for in someone else then... bad on me and I shouldn't expect the other person to be as ideal in my mind as I'd like. I think there was something in the bible about that.:matte-motes-evil-invert:

PS. Okay, since no one knows of a twelve step program, shall we start one?

Severly lost with out her mate

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UncommonTruth wrote:

Did you live happily ever after?

 

I think this is pretty much it. I was chat to a friend once about that

she said that to many times we live in the future and not in the now. like we end up stress about if we going to be happy tomorrow and it ends up ruin our today

she said was not just in matters of the heart but in all the little things as well

like if have a dinner reservation then start thinking about if is going to be ok before we get there. then when still eating our mains then start wonder what we going to have for pudding. and when eating the pudding start worry about whether the club we going to next is going to be cool. and then at the club start to stress about what maybe will happen if go home with each other and then end up talk yourself out of it and somehow end up going home alone even when we didnt want to

 and on and on

+

my friend said that is best to plan for the future bc is prudent to do that but to live in the now

like if you eating your pudding then just concentrate on it and enjoy it. bc is not every day you get yummy pudding. same at the club. just party up and have a good time and not worry about what maybe will happen later

it made quite a lot of sense to me that did. so i try be like that now

 

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I'm six too (last month..yay) and have always had strict sl/rl rules. As in 'never the twain shall meet'. When it comes to friends, I know someone a while before beginning to share rl details. It's a lot easier to invite crazy into your rl than to get it out. As the relationship develops, the intimacy increases and yet, I'm still amazed how little rl details matter to that intimacy...that's just talking about friendship.


When it comes to slove the hardest and most important compatibility factor for couples to deal with is the 'will we/won't we rl?' issue. Often when everyone isn't on the same page from the outset, one person compromises hoping the other will 'come around'. Unfortunately if both aren't on the same page, this is also what eventually breaks people up.

An sl only relationship does require a kind of 'measured love'. I don't think that measure makes it less or conditional...if anything it's unconditional and in some ways more than we expect from rl love. Love for one's sl love is a true gift. Love without a demand for possession or a promised future; it's love that comes with the full knowledge that loss is a mouse-click away.

Feeling particularly sentimental atm as my lover of a year and I recently partnered and are planning our wedding (both a first for me in sl). The cool thing about slove is that it permits soulmates to be together. Unfortunately rl doesn't always grant us that. In order to make a relationship work in the real world we have to consider issues of compatibility which  go beyond the spiritual. Horribly mundane stuff can destroy a relationship in rl; attitudes and circumstances around money, hygiene, child-rearing, work, household chores, etc; all issues, taken individually can be divorce-inducing. When you're saying to an sl love you want to go rl, it means signing up for all that comes with it and what is the likelihood you get to meet and love your soulmate online *and* be on the same page about whether and how much money to save every month?

SL love is kind of free love, but we do have to measure how much of our sl lives come into our rl; we have to be a bit wise with our hearts, which our so very vulnerable in this pixelated world; way more than in rl. I totally love this discussion...what a great idea.

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@Mercy yup agrees.  I don't think anyone is ideal as I am not and life is not a cake walk everyday.   So no idealism here.  For measured love I'm assuming idealism can work?  Not much need for more, few pictures, little if any voice,  not much rl except to fill a gap in the conversation.  That may be the true spirit of what some desire in SL but to me it's just one pixel above S-Love.  Again as someone pointed out it's different for everyone.  I guess its just finding out as soon as possible before investing too much heart :).

Damn on a flight to San Fran and listening to Pandora as I type this and this song comes up.   I really hate being a philosopher for those who said their still missing someone.

@Randall - 12 Summarized perfectly

@xX Sarah - I guess the question is how much love does someone want on here.  I'm sure its so different for everyone as I've learned.

@16 - totally- one can live in fear of failing and never try and never really experience love.  I'd say it can be tempting to live in the past too.  LIke if someone has been hurt, why try, why forgive, why go on.   Living in the now is the only thing that matters as long as the now choices are generally good, then I think joy can prevail weather trying worked out or not.  Live in the now and try again experience being alive.

@Musetta -  A lot of great thoughts in this post and originally read early in the am.  The unconditional love really struck with me as something to think about.  I get the point about loving without possession may be a true gift.  I'm not sure SL only doesn't come with some expectations once committed.  Like if in a relationship  I don't want someone whose sleeping around on alts or never shows up for a date, or no affection shared through words - an emotional bond.  Its just different in that we get those affections and less demanding commitments without having to deal with money, kids, traffic, jobs, bills.   So in pondering your message I feel currently RL is the more unconditional love because we have to overcome all that and still find spark and intimacy.  Thanks for making me think about this all morning. Some other great thoughts in this one too just too bumpy on this flight to comment. haha

 

 

 

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I know you're totally right. And in about 5 business days I'll be one step closer to giving it all up. That's about how long it takes to cash out Linden to paypal. I know in time the ache will become dull and I may feel bold on day and log back in to see friends but then.. then it will happen again, the 'accidental love'. I picked who I wanted in RL/SL.. and really thought that "one day" was actually going to be real. So, since I can't do this all over again, especially since the one main reason I logged on in the first place is gone, I will delete the account all together. AND NO ALTS. SL has been a fantastic ride, it's just time for me to get off now and go home.

To those of you that are brave enough, foolish enough, crazy enough, and all that combined and more.... Best wishes. I honestly hope when you get that one, the one where you know you feel safe, inspired... loved, that you appreciate them everyday and realize how lucky you are and that if 'one day' isn't coming fast enough for you.. don't give up, fight harder. You're all valuable and in some way or another extreamly lucky. For me, my luck ran out. <3

And I guess it's off to start that 12 step program

Forever lost without her mate

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Mercy Stark wrote:

I know you're totally right. And in about 5 business days I'll be one step closer to giving it all up. That's about how long it takes to cash out Linden to paypal. I know in time the ache will become dull and I may feel bold on day and log back in to see friends but then.. then it will happen again, the 'accidental love'. I picked who I wanted in RL/SL.. and really thought that "one day" was actually going to be real. So, since I can't do this all over again, especially since the one main reason I logged on in the first place is gone, I will delete the account all together. AND NO ALTS. SL has been a fantastic ride, it's just time for me to get off now and go home.

To those of you that are brave enough, foolish enough, crazy enough, and all that combined and more.... Best wishes. I honestly hope when you get that one, the one where you know you feel safe, inspired... loved, that you appreciate them everyday and realize how lucky you are and that if 'one day' isn't coming fast enough for you.. don't give up, fight harder. You're all valuable and in some way or another extreamly lucky. For me, my luck ran out. <3

And I guess it's off to start that 12 step program

Forever lost without her mate

Hi Mercy, 

Just wanted to say best wishes to you and even though I don't know you, send you a hug too.  Nothing wrong with having a good heart and I hope you can look back and smile at the memories one of these days.  It sounds like you made this place a little bit better even though you might not think so. :-)

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Hi Mercy,

I am filled with both joy and sorrow for you. You have been blessed to know the love of a soulmate which came with the unmeasured promise of a sunlit 'someday'. And that makes me inexpressibly happy.

As much as I love SL and think it a great way to work out any number of rl personal/ity issues, find creative outlets, etc. It is a special place of agony after a relationship is ended by a red 'X' at the corner of a computer screen. There is something so cruel about suddenly being left alone in a universe empty of the person we love; by the will of our lover. They leave us behind without hope of chance encounters, or of unexpected news through a mutual friend.

You're right, the pain will dull. You will remember the happiness, joy and good fortune of having known the love of a spiritual mate. And you will also know something most people never learn; how to recognize it when you see it coming . . . and what it's worth. Because, as we all know, the great secret of soulmates is that we don't get just one.

One day in RL, you'll recognize that spirit-deep connection with someone and discover the greatest gifts your "one day" that got away, left behind: Courage and strength. Nothing in the whole real world will make you miss your second opportunity. Unlike someone who has known neither the joy of your experience or the pain of its loss; you won't allow cosmetic disparities in looks, social status,  financial status, educational status er any other status-atus; cause you to dismiss the possibility of a First Life soulmate relationship. Nothing will stop you.

I know you will have this chance; because a lesser known secret about soulmate love is that those who have experienced it once, become magnetized, attracting those connections ever after.

I'm so sorry Mercy. My heart aches with . . . and hopes for you.

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Mercy Stark wrote:

I know you're totally right. And in about 5 business days I'll be one step closer to giving it all up... I will delete the account all together. AND NO ALTS.

It is possible to be in SL without partaking of slove making and enjoy it. Just put this in your profile from My Best Friend's Wedding:

Maybe there won't be marriage... maybe there won't be sex... but, by God, there'll be dancing.

 

 
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There's a difference between just giving someone a little bit of yourself and giving them all of yourself. In a virtual world, conditions are ideal. You control what you look like. Nobody has to know if you have bad morning breath, if you snore, if you're messy, etc. Nobody really thinks about that when they're in an SL relationship. They don't think of those things when they start talking about meeting in RL. No one tells you the reality is, no matter how intimate your talks have been, no matter how many times you've skyped when you meet that person in RL , you ARE meeting for the first time. When you take a relationship out of the virtual world, you have to completely re-build a relationship and get to know this person in the real world. They may leave their dirty clothes on the floor, snore, fart...all these HUMAN things that avatars don't do. There's no such thing as fairy tales. But if you're lucky, you'll find someone who puts the kink in your drink, turns you on, makes you laugh, lights you up inside. My RL boyfriend and I met 2 years ago in SL. Two months after meeting and falling in love, we moved in together in RL. It was fast, and it was an adjustment for both of us. He never folds his clothes, he can't stand my driving, but he's my best friend in the whole world and nobody can make me laugh like he can.  So no...there is no measure for the love I have for him.

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Randall Ahren wrote:

It is possible to be in SL without partaking of slove making and enjoy it. Just put this in your profile from My Best Friend's Wedding:

Maybe there won't be marriage... maybe there won't be sex... but, by God, there'll be dancing
.

 
 

Great quote from your friend Randall ! 

Mercy, You might consider staying and putting this in your profile :))

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You know, I tried that once.. okay maybe 2 or three times. I tried to come here just for fun, just as a "game". Every time I let my guard down, or maybe they're just that ninja, I fall. And believe me, I'm not one to wear my heart on my sleave. I think the best thing is just to cut it all out once and for all. What I had with him here I want in rl too. I thought it was going to be him and I that did that rl but... well he's gone. And yes, maybe there won't be marriage, maybe there won't be sex, but damn it... there will be dancing in RL for me. It hurts every day right now but I can't stop. If I stop I think of him I ache. So I will just start dancing and not stop. Who knows, maybe I'll trip over my own feet and smack right into to someone that may just be Mr. Right Now.

And thank you Randall, the guy that defined 12 step program, Musetta Fieschi and the others with best wishes.

I'm tired of games, I'm tired of being someones game. Twelve step program here I come!

Love Without Mercy!

(Secretly, still really lost without her mate)

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I think ten out of ten adages relating to love are over-sweetened clichés that last fractions of a second when applied to real life situations.

They sound nice on Valentine's Day and when consoling devestated friends who've suffered a heartbreak, preferably in association with a large bottle of wine.

Love as it delights you.

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First: Big hugs to all the people who PM'd me over this post and sent me messages in-world.  That was such a sweet surprise.

 

Feeling a bit mixed today so you might want to skip this post.  And stuck on a 5 hour flight from San Francisco to Miami so.....

Smiles softly

 

As I ponder all the amazing input, of practical approaches,  heartfelt thoughts,  some personal hurt shared by some, and some whimsical as well.  "Love as it delights you"

I think I have grown to understand why some measure and reality makes sense on here.  It's hard to accept though being raised on fairytale songs, books,  and movies.  Almost everyone loves a happily ever after  story.   Real unmeasured love may be the love that last, the love that stays through every bump.  It's apparently elusive looking at the results in the world and even more so in SL.  I meet very few long term relationships in SL but there are some I acknowledge that.  My longest one on here was over a year and was my very first lady.  Were still friends today 6.5 years later just continents and stuff and RL tp never worked lol.

A very special person to me told me that she believes "You can Love many people in your life" and that may be the most true thing Ive heard.

So my current conclusion from all of your feedback is that some measure is prudent here and its probably best to keep your feet on the ground as a very special person to me who I was with for months recently had a soft way of saying.

Love is so funny how it builds your heart and breaks it at the same time.  I guess some things have to break to be remade and reborn.   

The hardest ones are the ones to hear about and experience are the ones talked about in this song.  I have such a hard time

a understanding this approach when things are so amazing, feel so real, and then "poof".   Some profound words in this song like

 

Gotye - Somebody That I Used To Know 

Going to paraphrase what I believe is the most descriptive thought on the opposite of unmeasured love that I'll always strive for..........

If I speak in beautiful words of angles but I don't have love, I am only full of noise

If I can bless others with my encouraging words and am smarter than the anyone and believe all things without love I am nothing

If I give everything I have to the poor and give myself to hardship so I may boast, without love I gain nothing.

Love is patient, 
Love is kind

Does not envy or boast and is not proud

Does not dishonor others and is not self seeking not easily angered keeps no record of wrongs

love rejoices in truth, always hopes and always perseveres

love never fails

 

Yet at the same time,  I'll never hide away ever and will always love deeply but on SL keeping my feet on the ground like others have shared.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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