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NealCrz

Measured Love

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Not sure I can articulate this but going to try as I'd love some broad perspective from around the world.

Been on SL 6 years and let myself love someone a couple times, once over a year and rl visits were part of one.  It's really easy to meet girls on here and could go there like a noob if i wanted too but won't because of what I call measured love.  I find "measured love" seems to be what people want on SL at least as far I've seen.

If i had to sum up what I've seen a lady likes on sl would be a need to be loved, to be desired, and cared for.  They want someone who's faithful, honest, and considerate of their feelings.  Someone to share some fairytale moments with, stability, safety and passion.  Intense passion at that.  A true companion.

At that point is where measured love prevails.  If you let yourself love beyond that point well............

Just curious and thought might be fun to explore this topic.  Just a fun light discussion no haters please. hehe

Perhaps measured love is the right approach???

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NealCrz wrote:

Not sure I can articulate this but going to try as I'd love some broad perspective from around the world.

Been on SL 6 years and let myself love someone a couple times, once over a year and rl visits were part of one.  It's really easy to meet girls on here and could go there like a noob if i wanted too but won't because of what I call measured love.  I find "measured love" seems to be what people want on SL at least as far I've seen.

If i had to sum up what I've seen a lady likes on sl would be a need to be loved, to be desired, and cared for.  They want someone who's faithful, honest, and considerate of their feelings.  Someone to share some fairytale moments with, stability, safety and passion.  Intense passion at that.  A true companion.

At that point is where measured love prevails.  If you let yourself love beyond that point well............

Just curious and thought might be fun to explore this topic.  Just a fun light discussion no haters please. hehe

Perhaps measured love is the right approach???

I think that "Measured Love" is a good way off expressing it.

I know I am very careful in my SL relationships and friendships.  I know what my limits are and try to always be respectful of other peoples limits.  Above all, I know who I am in RL, both what my good and bad sides are.  It is a very rare thing that I would bring my 'bad sides' into SL.  

I do love some one very much in SL, as much as it is possible within the constraints of SL.  We do know a lot about each other RL.  But we are agreed that it will never move to a RL relationship.  Nor do we try or want to restrict each others SL.  Maybe that is a key to why we have so much fun together in SL. 

So many people always talk about finding the 'right person.'  But what about your being the 'right person.'  You have to have the maturity to accept that you may not be the right person for someone else no matter how infatuated you may be with them.

 

eta to correct typo

 

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NealCrz wrote:

Not sure I can articulate this but going to try as I'd love some broad perspective from around the world.

Been on SL 6 years and let myself love someone a couple times, once over a year and rl visits were part of one.  It's really easy to meet girls on here and could go there like a noob if i wanted too but won't because of what I call measured love.  I find "measured love" seems to be what people want on SL at least as far I've seen.

If i had to sum up what I've seen a lady likes on sl would be a need to be loved, to be desired, and cared for.  They want someone who's faithful, honest, and considerate of their feelings.  Someone to share some fairytale moments with, stability, safety and passion.  Intense passion at that.  A true companion.

At that point is where measured love prevails.  If you let yourself love beyond that point well............

Just curious and thought might be fun to explore this topic.  Just a fun light discussion no haters please. hehe

Perhaps measured love is the right approach???

thers no one "right approach" to SL or to SL relationships .. some ppl use SL as a RL dating service .. others have no interest whatsoever in hooking up in RL .. some take SL relationships serious & to others such relationships are mere roleplay .. some become emotionally involved & others dont 

1 way of playing SL is no better than any other .. thers no pt in judging others over how they play SL .. they dont care what you think anyway .. so just play the way you feel like playing & give others the space to do the same .. you wont get your heart broke if you dont take the game too seriously

Jeanne

 

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"So many people always talk about finding the 'right person.'  But what about your being the 'right person.'  You have to have the maturity to accept that you may not be the right person for someone else no matter how infatuated you may be with them."

 

Thanks for jumping in.  This espeically makes a lot of sense to me.

 

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thers no one "right approach" to SL or to SL relationships .. some ppl use SL as a RL dating service .. others have no interest whatsoever in hooking up in RL .. some take SL relationships serious & to others such relationships are mere roleplay .. some become emotionally involved & others dont 

1 way of playing SL is no better than any other .. thers no pt in judging others over how they play SL .. they dont care what you think anyway .. so just play the way you feel like playing & give others the space to do the same .. you wont get your heart broke if you dont take the game too seriously

Jeanne

 

Agrees, its just finding out what those differences are as soon as possible if for example something meaningful is desired.

Good point on not judging.  Agrees and I dont judge anyone in SL or Rl,  life is a struggle for everyone at times.  No point in carrying the extra load of judgement.  For me its about how much trust, not judgement.

 

 

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Perrie Juran wrote:

So many people always talk about finding the 'right person.'  But what about your being the 'right person.'  You have to have the maturity to accept that you may not be the right person for someone else no matter how infatuated you may be with them.

Spot on.

What Perriee said easily could become an iconic quote (you don't mind if we quote that do ya Perrie?) with regard to sl love in my humble opinion.

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Hi, Neal

I've been on SL for many yrs too. I've had 1 'serious' relationship and many flirtations and a couple of dalliances :matte-motes-bashful-cute:... The serious relationship was quite long term. I knew that it could go no further than SL due to being in different countries (USA and UK), but, even then I allowed myself to become completely involved.. talking on Skype every night and surfing the web together, playing online games together, etc.. trying to make an impossible long distance RL life together. In the end.. well..everyone knows the rest.. I was broken hearted and completely devastated for a long time. That's been a long time ago and I still think about him .. when his birthday comes around, I always remember and wish him a silent birthday.. Nowadays, I don't allow myself to let go and jump off. I've learn to be a realist. I still have SL friends that I consider to be friends in my RL..but as for love and relationships, it's better to guard your heart. Love in SL can be extremely intense and breakups extremely painful. Time moves differently in SL. Thing happen a lot faster. People measure love for different reasons. I do because I don't want to get my heart broken again.

Nim

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Thought I would come in play this "game" without becoming involved to deeply at all. Now I met someone and it scares the hell out of me. Am I really feeling things?  What if she is so not my type in RL? Does it matter if I keep it in SL?  Should I even ask what she really looks like?  I know I love her personality and that is what matters most.  But so many thoughts and questions run through my head.  Missing her a lot.  This is a crazy "game" for sure...

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Nimue Mistwalker wrote:

Hi, Neal

I've been on SL for many yrs too. I've had 1 'serious' relationship and many flirtations and a couple of dalliances :matte-motes-bashful-cute:... The serious relationship was quite long term. I knew that it could go no further than SL due to being in different countries (USA and UK), but, even then I allowed myself to become completely involved.. talking on Skype every night and surfing the web together, playing online games together, etc.. trying to make an impossible long distance RL life together. In the end.. well..everyone knows the rest.. I was broken hearted and completely devastated for a long time. That's been a long time ago and I still think about him .. when his birthday comes around, I always remember and wish him a silent birthday.. Nowadays, I don't allow myself to let go and jump off. I've learn to be a realist. I still have SL friends that I consider to be friends in my RL..but as for love and relationships, it's better to guard your heart. Love in SL can be extremely intense and breakups extremely painful. Time moves differently in SL. Thing happen a lot faster. People measure love for different reasons. I do because I don't want to get my heart broken again.

Nim

Yea i know what you mean Nim.  Been there for sure.

 

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Tigertat wrote:

Thought I would come in play this "game" without becoming involved to deeply at all. Now I met someone and it scares the hell out of me. Am I really feeling things?  What if she is so not my type in RL? Does it matter if I keep it in SL?  Should I even ask what she really looks like?  I know I love her personality and that is what matters most.  But so many thoughts and questions run through my head.  Missing her a lot.  This is a crazy "game" for sure...

Dont sweat it.  I once met a Psychology major working on her PHD on the social interactions in sl.  The last time I saw her she was flying to Italy to meet a guy.   I guess thats getting into your research or it getting into......... nevermind hahaha

If your keeping it in Sl only doesnt matter in my mind.   As someone said Sl travels at incredible speed due to the hours we spend together non-stop.  If you ever to outside of SL do your homework chat live on vid etc before you make a move.

 

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I am at SL now for little more than 2 years and I had a few relationships...and always fell in love in RL too :0(

In the past I preferred to have a RL/SL relationship...or let me say it suddenly got mixed with RL.

And there was no way out..when you hear the voice of each other first time, and later when you do webcam and all that stuff.

I would not call it measured love...love suddenly happens in SL...same way as in RL.

But that´s only my opinion.

But I think I am healed from this mix now.

Took me long time to realize that.

At the moment I have a relationship with a man who also wants to keep the love inside SL.

We will see If it works that way.

 

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It's an epidemic that needs a support group or a 12 step program. I see a lot of 'accidental' love. You don't mean to get attached but you do. Happened to me and being an rp and gm no less, I should sooo no better. We call it 'IC' In Character and 'OC' Out of Character and never shall the two meet. But it does, and often. People get butt hurt over, what now seems like little things such as their character being defeated in metered rp. They've used IC actions to roleplay multiple sexual acts with many people while telling their ooc partner they love them. So... this leads us where? Some can seperate and consider this all just a game, that those around are really just actors like they are. And that is what an ideal rper can do. But... most of us are human and get attached, get rl feelings and can't stop them. I'm trying to think about all this rationally and not emotionally but it's hard.

This is how it went for me:

Met what seemed like a nice guy (he is) and both being rpers we agreed right off the bat that it wasn't going to get personal. But the more time we spent the blurrier the boundries got till one day we just broke down and agreed that it was the person and not the character or avi we cared for. Over and extent of two years feelings got bigger and we started talking 'one day' for rl....

I wish I could tell you it was a happy ending but 'one day' wasn't coming soon enough for him. I get it, it's extreamly hard to know you can't really touch the one you love and no matter how discriptive and meaningful your words are to each other it won't replace the need for rl.

What ever brought you here to SL... we are all people on the other side. Some are cruel, deceptive, crazy, and spitefull. Some are amazing, are your best friend, open and loving, some listen and care, and make you laugh and will suport you. Some are all of those things.No amount of measuring or discussed boundries will every really guarantee your SL or RL will all work out. Just hope that you've done exactly what you would want someone to do for you, to you. And/Or point me in the direction of a 12 step program.

Serverly addicted to her lost mate.

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Sonja Smedley wrote:

I am at SL now for little more than 2 years and I had a few relationships...and always fell in love in RL too :0(

In the past I preferred to have a RL/SL relationship...or let me say it suddenly got mixed with RL.

And there was no way out..when you hear the voice of each other first time, and later when you do webcam and all that stuff.

I would not call it measured love...love suddenly happens in SL...same way as in RL.

But that´s only my opinion.

But I think I am healed from this mix now.

Took me long time to realize that.

At the moment I have a relationship with a man who also wants to keep the love inside SL.

We will see If it works that way.

 

Best of luck to you and your man Sonja.  smiles

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.........

"I get it, it's extremely hard to know you can't really touch the one you love and no matter how descriptive and meaningful your words are to each other it won't replace the need for rl."

"Just hope that you've done exactly what you would want someone to do for you, to you." ........

Mercy these two statements hit home for me. If I let my self go there loving deeply,  I find it very hard to think, I'll never hold the person I'm in love with and I have done it so I know it can work.   It's not how I was raised i guess.  If I really love someone,   I'm all in,  and I find most people don't feel that way in my limited experience.  I mean I'm not naive to think SL alone is a means for life changing lives,  just if one is really in love and I mean really,  no BS,  then I dont see limitations and all these boundaries meaning anything.   

Hence measured love seems to prevail.

 

 

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NealCrz wrote:

 I find it very hard to think, I'll never hold the person I'm in love with and  I have done it so I know it can work .   It's not how I was raised i guess.  If I really love someone,   I'm all in,  and I find most people don't feel that way in my limited experience.  I mean I'm not naive to think SL alone is a means for life changing lives,  just if one is really in love and I mean really,  no BS,  then I dont see limitations and all these boundaries meaning anything.   

Hence measured love seems to prevail.

I just have to ask.. you have done it so you know it can work.. ok, well how'd that work for ya? Did you live happily ever after? Take it to rl and live a fairy tale?

You don't have to answer that here cause I already know the answer >.<    There are lots of times 'measured love' is the prudent thing to do.. when there's circumstances that mean it needs to stay in the confines of sl, or perhaps, just shouldn't happen at all.

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ITA ... I have the same belief & is why I asked what the def of measured love was in this thread.

It's like being a little bit pregnant - all or nothing for me as well.

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just if one is really in love and I mean really,  no BS,  then I dont see limitations and all these boundaries meaning anything.   

I couldn’t disagree more with this statement.  At times, way too many times, an online relationship can’t be taken into the real world. No matter how much love there is; RL distances, circumstances and constraints do prevail, and to think otherwise is completely unrealistic…Therefore, IMO, if someone cannot live a relationship without eventually being close to their significant one, then, such person should completely avoid getting involved in an online relationship that, for whatever reason has not  realistic chances to be taken to the real world

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Jasmyn Vaher wrote:

just if one is really in love and I mean really,  no BS,  then I dont see limitations and all these boundaries meaning anything.   

I couldn’t disagree more with this statement.  At times, way too many times, an online relationship can’t be taken into the real world. No matter how much love there is; RL distances, circumstances and constraints do prevail, and to think otherwise is completely unrealistic…Therefore, IMO,
if someone cannot live a relationship without eventually being close to their significant one, then, such person should completely avoid getting involved in an online relationship that, for whatever reason has not  realistic chances to be taken to the real world


Agreed. I think if you've discussed it beforehand and know the other person cannot reasonably take it into RL simply (yes, there are always chances, I'm referring to how realistic it is) then its on you when it messes up because you want more.

 

Generally, however, I've had a couple of serious relationships on SL. The most intense being one of the reasons why I left (though I'm back now! xD). When I first joined, SL it was a game for a couple of days and I only shared a little info about myself. Then it started to feel like a chat site and I usually end up sharing more when I meet someone I just click with and chat to over a length of time - probably because I don't feel like I click with too many people easily and just take my chances. Lets just say that didn't go too well when I realised what differences there are between the people I meet in SL and the details in RL, because life isn't simple; its rarely ever just about personality. So, typically, I started being guarded and thought maybe I could just explore the creativity and also think of people like that - I'm highly interested in how people think, and thought if I found someone, we could pull off an SL only relationship.

Well, when I did find someone I really liked and I mean I liked him very much, it was great for a while because we'd discussed that we wouldn't mix RL though we did talk about RL (no specific details I guess but still somewhat irrrational for someone who claims to be logical :o). I guess because my details, i.e. more specifically my age, was on my profile, this wasn't a topic we touched upon and it would have been fine with the mindset I had then. However, soon he wanted more and I guess RL just wasn't realistic. If this is measured love? I can't help thinking I don't care, I can't switch off my mind that easily on SL and be so wholly unrealistic where it involves my RL. I'm careful with love, I haven't always been in RL and don't think I am as careful in RL, but you can get hurt in different ways on SL - and what bothers me most is the desire not to hurt someone else more than getting hurt myself because I'm good at getting over things.

I have  noticed that I share a whole lot more when I know I'm just friends with someone and have spoke to, shared pics, etc. with some friends. I just find it much more complicated when I like someone and know they like me too. I haven't really gotten into anything really deep since I've been back (that would be kinda quick!), but I do think I won't be giving up this "measured love" any time soon if I find someone who wants to keep it in SL. You don't know when you might want something more in RL, so I don't expect people to know but I don't enjoy deception.

 

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