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Mandji Koba

Loosing your love

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Imagine your partner is severly ill in RL. He has cancer. He's no longer able to come in SL. You have absolutely no way to have news since  the hospital wont give you any information because you are not a member of his RL family. His cell phone is dead. Not to mention his home phone where you are not allowed to call. So here you stand on a homestead, not knowing what to do with your 3450 prims and yourself. You've changed the furnitures and wallpaper just about a hundred times. You've been to clubs, you have explored, you've been shopping like mad: still bored to death.

I run out of ideas to keep me in here. Yet I cannot nor want to leave. How would you cope, if ever coping is possible? Please I need advices. Sorry for asking. Thank you to those who read this. 

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That is horrible to hear.

I am very sorry.

 

If you haven't tried Amaretto horses, give it a shot. It is a hobby that can occupy your mind, trying to build the perfect horse over months and months of hard and fun work. Contact me in game and I'll give you 10 horses to start on and land to raise them.

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This is very sad and I am sorry you are going through this and for the illness of your partner. Do you have any RL information on him so that you can contact a member of his family? If so, maybe you could tell them that you are a friend and are concerned and want to help, etc. Are you friends with him on other social networks like Facebook? If so, maybe you can find out what is going on by haunting his page or the pages of his family. I know a lot of people set it for private, but maybe you can friend some of them. They don't have to know who you are if that could be an issue and in fact, you could even create a new account. Before sending any friend requests, you might want to get some friends on the account and fill in enough info so it doesn't look like it was an account created solely for this purpose. I am assuming you know his real life name? If so, you can try googling it and see if any info comes up, including any obits, as much as I know you hope you don't find anything like that, but at least you would know for certain. It is the uncertainty that is holding you in limbo and until you find out if he is OK or not, it will be difficult for you to have any sort of closure and move on. Even if you manage to find out and it turns out to be the worst case, you will need to allow yourself the time to grieve and know, that could take some time. I wish you luck, and most of all that you find your answers and that eventually, that will bring you peace.

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Dear Mandji, this sounds a most tragic situation to be in, for you are left in limbo by these circumstances, and must have a million and one emotions. 

Quite a few years ago, someone I was very close to died, and because of our own circumstances, I did not even get to know where his funeral was going to take place, although (and I know this will sound hard to understand) the funeral itself was mentioned briefly on the television local news bulletin, because he had been a minor local celebrity a few years prior to his death.  It was hard to grieve; I felt, as you must be doing now, that I was some kind of non-existent person, like I somehow had no right to care for this man, and yet his death had a profound effect on my life.

There is really no easy way to say this to you, but if your SL partner did not give you any information about his real life next-of-kin, or he did not inform his medical people that you were related to him in some way so that you could find out his condition, you really have to respect that and set yourself a period of time that you believe is reasonable to wait for him, and then you probably need to downsize your home, and add a pick to your profile that you will always be waiting for him.

It is always much harder to continue in Second Life if your life has been focussed largely on one person, and this is bound to be a very difficult time for you, for which there is no fast-track available. Allow yourself time.  I do not believe you are bored to death at all, just restless in this horrid limbo land.

You have my sympathies and best wishes. 

 

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Mandji,

It's difficult to lose a loved one, and doubly so to lose one to the unknown. Sadly, as you've described it, it seems unlikely your love will return. My oldest and dearest online friend recently died of a stroke. Fortunately, I was informed of his passing (and his RL identity) by his wife, after the funeral. Although I suppose I was "some kind of non-existent person" as Echo described, I'd nevertheless shared in a great many of my friend's trials and tribulations over the eleven years we chatted online. Now, as I do with every friend I've cherished, I carry a bit of him with me to share with others. I expect you will do that, too.

Is coping possible? Yes, you are already doing that by reaching out. Grieving, as I've discovered over and over, runs on its own clock. Sometimes it takes so long, and is so painful that I feel guilty for letting things get so out of proportion. Sometimes it happens so quickly, and with so little pain that I feel guilty for letting things get so out of proportion. Someday I'll grow beyond feeling guilty for the way I grieve, but I'm not there yet. Unfortunately, this is doubly difficult for you. Grief has arrived, but you don't know if the clock has started.

I ended an SL relationship years ago and was mortified by the depth and length of my grieving, so I think I understand how difficult this is. I deleted my previous life and left SL, but was unable to stay away. SL, like RL, is a thing apart from the relationships we form within it. Even so, all the "your world, your imagination" chest pounding cannot make up for the fact that SL still comes in second.

I'm afraid I have no ideas for you, Mandji, other than the idea that you must take care of your real life self as you grieve.

I wish you the best,

Maddy

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Dear Mandji!

You have a hard time to go through and I know the feeling of losing someone...I had this situation more than one time in RL and in SL.

I hope the time will heal your wounds.I know only phrases but it is true and maybe after a time you are out of this dark hole and open to start new here.

I have cried many many times sitting behind this screen and I have learned much here and made my experiences.

But there are so many things to try in SL, you should not leave.

You are very welcome to chat with me ingame when you feel lonely, cause I am lonely too most of the time.

And forget the amaretto horses.I am into it too since a few months and it only costs money money money and steals all of your SL time.I have the feeling I really got isolated with this hobby :-/

Looking forward to hear from you maybe.

Hugs to you....

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Sadly that is the reality of having the SL love. Unless you are actually in their lives you always have that chance of being omitted from RL. Knowing the situation as you went in to it this was always a possibly of happening. The not knowing is the worst part. You wait and you don't hear. Even if it's bad you still want to know. That's the hardest part.

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Hi,

im sorry to read the bad things that are happening to you. 

Here is an idea to keep your SL interesting maybe. What about taking some classes inworld ? It can be for creation skills but also, you can learn a language or somtething else. Learning will help you to keep your mind busy and its never useless. Maybe if you choose to learn something about creation in SL it can be even good for your mood.Creation has been and is still good for me and helped me a lot when i had to go thru bad times lately (of course, nothing compares to yours).... and, when you achieve something you started to create, it is so gratifying..

Maybe it wont be your stuff, but it worth to be think about... 

 

and good luck ..:-)

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Mandji Koba wrote:

Imagine your partner is severly ill in RL. He has cancer. He's no longer able to come in SL. You have absolutely no way to have news since  the hospital wont give you any information because you are not a member of his RL family. His cell phone is dead. Not to mention his home phone where you are not allowed to call. So here you stand on a homestead, not knowing what to do with your 3450 prims and yourself. You've changed the furnitures and wallpaper just about a hundred times. You've been to clubs, you have explored, you've been shopping like mad: still bored to death.

I run out of ideas to keep me in here. Yet I cannot nor want to leave. How would you cope, if ever coping is possible? Please I need advices. Sorry for asking. Thank you to those who read this. 

im sorry to hear this Mandji

every wise person from the Buddha on down has said that suffering comes from attachement

i know that its much easier said than done .. but ..

just let go

Jeanne

 

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Really sorry to hear about this.  I hope time and good memories help get you through.  The more I am involved in Sl and the forums the more I realize that this is so much more than the game I thought I signed up for..

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I am so sorry I didnt thank you all for your caring replies. To those who offered friendship, thanks from the bottom of my heart but I may need a rest for a while. I'm afraid I'd be a burden rather than a jolly fellow.... Building classes is a good idea. Lol, I'm not even able to apply a ground texture on a land I own! 

Anyway, thank you all, I had to let it all out. Time for hope is gone. Time for a break or a new approach, too early to say. But I thank you again for your replies. I don't feel so much in the dark as before. Hugs you all.

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Mandji Koba wrote:

I am so sorry I didnt thank you all for your caring replies. To those who offered friendship, thanks from the bottom of my heart but I may need a rest for a while. I'm afraid I'd be a burden rather than a jolly fellow.... Building classes is a good idea. Lol, I'm not even able to apply a ground texture on a land I own! 

Anyway, thank you all, I had to let it all out. Time for hope is gone. Time for a break or a new approach, too early to say. But I thank you again for your replies. I don't feel so much in the dark as before. Hugs you all.

You know you wouldn't be a burden. You know what to do :)

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So sorry to hear of your partner's illness.  It must be extremely painful not being able to contact him.

You say in your OP that you are not allowed to call his home so can we assume he is married & your sl relationship is sl only?  If so, then I have to disagree with those in the forum giving advice on ways to contact him - ie saying your are simply a friend etc.  If he is indeed married or has an rl partner that is not aware of your relationship, this would be a terriible time for that person to discover your relationship.

The best advise that comes to mind is to surround ourself with your rl loved ones and get support from them. 

Again, very sorry to hear of your situation.  Very sad indeed.

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its very sad to hear that , i think to stay out of that incident its better to join in world class based on your choices and one of sl member already mention that they do conduct online class in sl for languages other skill. so it would be best way to keep your mind out of that bad incident, and this way you will learn new things.  this idea will work for you and good luck.

 

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On Earth, everyone has to face sorrow at some time or another. It is almost too much to bear the loss of a loved one, but somehow you have to face this tough time and live this life of yours on Earth in the best possible manner. What you need is consolation, courage and love from people around you. 

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Sorry for your loss.:(

I feel your pain.

I know how it's like to lose someone you care for.It's horrible.

Time will heal some wounds,but not all of them.

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First I want to send you massive hugs, I have been where you are now..... after 5 years of an sl relationship, my ex partner logged off 4th december 2011 to watch football and still hasnt logged back in.  All I can say is its a long bloody footbal match....we were totaly sl no rl contact at all...

I wish I could give you a way to get over this cos if i could id be doing it too - all i can say is time will move on and you start to get used to them not being there. 

I think this is the worst way to lose someone as you have zero closure no way to say goodbye etc.  I wish I could tell you its easy to get over but it isnt and I still stuggle with it now and its almost been a year.  Your sl will change and eventually you will find new things to do but yes i wont lie, it was hard for a while and I dont think i will ever be the happy person i once was, I have lost the drive i used to have  - if you need to chat at all contact me in world :) hugss

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Mandji Koba wrote:

Imagine your partner is severly ill in RL. He has cancer. He's no longer able to come in SL. You have absolutely no way to have news since  the hospital wont give you any information because you are not a member of his RL family. His cell phone is dead. Not to mention his home phone where you are not allowed to call. So here you stand on a homestead, not knowing what to do with your 3450 prims and yourself. You've changed the furnitures and wallpaper just about a hundred times. You've been to clubs, you have explored, you've been shopping like mad: still bored to death.

I run out of ideas to keep me in here. Yet I cannot nor want to leave. How would you cope, if ever coping is possible? Please I need advices. Sorry for asking. Thank you to those who read this. 

i can relate to what you are feeling more than i wish i had to..

i lost my uncle just this last Sunday to leukemia.. i haven't been in world much this summer..and he was never in here or in sl at all..i don't even think he had a computer that you could get him to sit at for 5 minutes..

he was a toy abuser hehehe..he had a nice speed boat and a Harley and horses and jet skis and a big boat like ours docked next to our boat and lots more..

he just would wear things out enjoying going fast and doing fun things  on the water or riding horses on the mountains with me..

i tried not to say this here in the forums and tried to act like normal ..but i read you post and just wanted to say here..

i don't know how we cope with someone gone that was so close..

i know coming in here helps me a lot with so many people not asking how i am doing or will i be ok or just constant asking and worry..always thinking they have to say something..when really all you want is quiet to remember such beautiful times..

i used to cope with loss in a selfish way..remove everything that would remind me of the loss so i could move on..that is kind of instilled in me from my heritage..but i never liked it doing that..

so now that i live on my own i keep all those people out in one place to sit and remember such beautiful times..

sometimes spending hours just with soft music playing and sitting in my chair with my feet back looking at pictures or things that bring back memories..and what is so great is the memories good or bad are all good memories now and calming memories..

i think the best way to cope with the ones we love not being there is to remember everything you can about them..

it's it so true that they never leave you..they become more a part of you than ever before..

my  uncle will be with me more than ever before now in a much closer way..because he will have all my attention when i sit and think about him..

i miss him soo much..that i can't wait to be over the sadness so i can sit with him and be calmed by him and our memories..

sadness has to come no matter what..because we want them back so bad..but it is comforting to know that really we will have them with us forever in our hearts and minds..especially in those times when it will be just me and him again doing the things we did back then..

nice soft music playing and thinking about being on the mountains on a nice summer day as the horses drink and  hearing him tell me funny stories..

i think we cope by them relaxing us with their life we got to share with them.. and the smiling short giggles and tears when something hits us that was so good  to remember..

not their death that made us want them to stay so bad..i never remember that part of anyone..

just their life..it's calming..and it makes you take deep breaths..

i don't know what to really say to others that will help them..

i just know that i have to have a special little place in my home for all that give me so many good times while they were here..

because they still do long after..

 

this kind of became longer than i thought it was going to be for a post..sorry about that..but i hope maybe there is something in there for you..i hope anyways..

just stay strong ..things will be better..

 

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Ceka Cianci wrote the stuff in grey:

i can relate to what you are feeling more than i wish i had to...

Though I understand not wanting the loss, be thankful you can relate.

i lost my uncle just this last Sunday to leukemia..

I'm so sorry to hear that Ceka. I lost a dear RL friend quickly and unexpectedly to ovarian cancer this summer and lost my dearest online friend to a stroke. I'm feeling a little guilty for having handled their deaths with less anguish than those around me, but maybe I'm just learning to come to terms with life's ephemerality.

 

Your relationship with your uncle reminds me of mine with my Father.

i don't know how we cope with someone gone that was so close...

I never know how I'm going to do it either, but I do. You'll believe in yourself, just as your Uncle did.

when really all you want is quiet to remember such beautiful times...

I still sit on my beach and look out over Lake Michigan (or the SL ocean), as I did with Dad so many times. He's as keen a conversationalist now as ever.

i used to cope with loss in a selfish way..remove everything that would remind me of the loss so i could move on..that is kind of instilled in me from my heritage..but i never liked it doing that..

I love stories, and I believe that a life is a way for us to collect, make and tell them. So, when I lose someone close, I tell their stories. Loved ones are for sharing, even after they're gone.

so now that i live on my own i keep all those people out in one place to sit and remember such beautiful times..

Don't just sit there, hoarding them. I want to hear more about your Uncle!

i think the best way to cope with the ones we love not being there is to remember everything you can about them...

And tell, or live, what you remember.

it's it so true that they never leave you..they become more a part of you than ever before...

The boat has passed, but the wake goes on.

i miss him soo much..that i can't wait to be over the sadness so i can sit with him and be calmed by him and our memories...

The sadness goes when it goes, and I'm not sure the length of its stay ever feels right.

i don't know what to really say to others that will help them...

Me neither, but people seem to tolerate our bumbling attempts.

i just know that i have to have a special little place in my home for all that give me so many good times while they were here...

Home is where I make it, I bring my Lost Ones with me wherever I go. You have met many of them, through me, without knowing it. And I'm sure I've met your Lost Ones through you, too.

this kind of became longer than i thought it was going to be for a post..sorry about that...

Apology accepted, let it happen again ;-)

just stay strong ..things will be better..

Yes they will.

 

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Sorry  to hear it.. its very sad..    try and do something postive in sl.. like learn how to build or make things  Roleplay somewhere  are do what i do when alone.. Mod my avies.. Its hard to cope after being withsome you love insl.. you bonded with him and seen everyday and explored..  but you have to make sure you do something postive.. and keep strong.. everything will work out my friend  :cathappy:

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