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Sakinan

Have a hard time making friends or finding a decent guy?

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Hi all, maybe you can help me understand why I'm having this problem...

I'm a normal girl, easy going and friendly. When I first came to SL about 2 years ago lots of people wanted to help me get settled, and now I realize that the new people in SL are given the benifit of the doubt that they'll be appreciative and un"jaded" as they're like little babes that need direction in a big, new world. I myself now help mentor new citizens in sl.

However, now that I've been around for a while, noone approaches me for friendship unless they want the usual... sex or lindens. I try saying hi to people and they give me an attitude or blow me off... I get the feeling most people think if I'm saying hello just to be friendly and hoping lightning will strike and find me a good girlfriend that I can talk to and hang out with, that something must be wrong with me since I've been around for long enough to have found people by now. You know... that dead silence, raise-an-eyebrow feeling you get saying hello to someone that has their guard up? Don't get me wrong, I've had close friends in the past but they phased out of SL either to come on only every month, or left completely. I have so few enemies I could count them if I were a double-hand amputee. So what's the problem? Why can't people jump in head first to get to know someone? Is SL that full of snobbs that you have to put a month of time in religous commitment to a new friendship for them to actually take you seriously? Sorry if that offended anyone....

Also, it's impossible to find a good guy! Again, I'm not a stalker, I'm not a needy chirping little birdy and I'm not about to come ringing your doorbell RL, but as a mom and a student I wanted to find an outlet for my love and affection as I never have time to go out, SL is the perfect answer but darn, where are all the good guys? Maybe my standards are a bit high, I have a top-of-the-line avatar and I'm ready and willing but they're either all taken or live in a mirrored toiletpaper roll and only see themselves as Gods of SL. So here's to you mister hot, not creepy, can form a sentence and can make a woman feel like a woman... if you ever end up single, hit me up cuz I need a good guy! >sakinan resident< but just call me Saki ;)

And to you girls, ring my IM... I need some friends or I fear I'll be leaving SL for good! :(

Take care everyone! ♥

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For most of us, the best people to make friends with are those who are close in SL age. I guess that is less relevant if both parties are more than like 4 years old. It is kind of a generational thing with experience and those your own age who are still hooked will probably be on regular enough to constitute adding to friends and having contact.

 

For making friends, just chat with folks, send IM's thru here or whatever. Most will probably not be regular contacts but a few will. Cast enough lines...

 

Well like for me - I made a couple friends here on the forum, one was someone who sent me a nice car and another one is someone we just kind of started talking, I had sent an IM about a thread she made.

 

With these two - we do not hog like every minute of each others' time but just sometimes it is nice to kick back and shoot the breeze.

 

 

 

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Sakinan wrote:

Hi all, maybe you can help me understand why I'm having this problem...

I'm a normal girl, easy going and friendly. When I first came to SL about 2 years ago lots of people wanted to help me get settled, and now I realize that the new people in SL are given the benifit of the doubt that they'll be appreciative and un"jaded" as they're like little babes that need direction in a big, new world. I myself now help mentor new citizens in sl.

However, now that I've been around for a while, noone approaches me for friendship unless they want the usual... sex or lindens. I try saying hi to people and they give me an attitude or blow me off... I get the feeling most people think if I'm saying hello just to be friendly and hoping lightning will strike and find me a good girlfriend that I can talk to and hang out with, that something must be wrong with me since I've been around for long enough to have found people by now. You know... that dead silence, raise-an-eyebrow feeling you get saying hello to someone that has their guard up? Don't get me wrong, I've had close friends in the past but they phased out of SL either to come on only every month, or left completely. I have so few enemies I could count them if I were a double-hand amputee. So what's the problem? Why can't people jump in head first to get to know someone? Is SL that full of snobbs that you have to put a month of time in religous commitment to a new friendship for them to actually take you seriously? Sorry if that offended anyone....

Also, it's impossible to find a good guy! Again, I'm not a stalker, I'm not a needy chirping little birdy and I'm not about to come ringing your doorbell RL, but as a mom and a student I wanted to find an outlet for my love and affection as I never have time to go out, SL is the perfect answer but darn, where are all the good guys? Maybe my standards are a bit high, I have a top-of-the-line avatar and I'm ready and willing but they're either all taken or live in a mirrored toiletpaper roll and only see themselves as Gods of SL. So here's to you mister hot, not creepy, can form a sentence and can make a woman feel like a woman... if you ever end up single, hit me up cuz I need a good guy! >sakinan resident< but just call me Saki
;)

And to you girls, ring my IM... I need some friends or I fear I'll be leaving SL for good!
:(

Take care everyone! ♥

I'm usually up for someone to talk to. Not sure what time you are on SL, but my time is in the mornings because I work afternoons and evenings. 

As far as men maybe give avmatch.com a shot? It worked for me.

Also, there are some dating places on SL.

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As in Real Life, friends, true friends take quite a bit of time to find.  Most people want to get their Jollies and get back to Real Life using SL as an Escape.  Don't give up, they are out there, keep looking

Serena

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This thread makes me wonder about the types of people in SL. I'm not meaning this in a bad way. Of course, there are all kinds of people in SL. That's pretty obvious. I wonder tho, if because of the nature of the platform, it attracts more loner types that are off doing their own thing. I know, literally, thousands of people in SL. Some are customers. Some are friends. Some are other creators. Some are people of interest. Despite knowing all these people, when I come into SL, I'm mostly creating. Generally, if some1 I know comes by, or IMs me, I'm all for conversing while I work.

What you won't find me doing very often is contacting people out of the blue just to talk. Most of the time, my SL friends just TP to my store and talk while I'm doing something, or they help me test something. It's not that I don't care enough to contact them. Maybe I just figure they are busy like me, and I will talk to them soon enough. It just makes me wonder how many people in SL are similar to myself. I can be very chatty, when approached, but I rarely seek out friends. When my old friends contact me, I'm just as excited as they are to talk and hang out. Really tho, my mind is always on my store, my products, and my customers.

To the OP - Maybe, what you need to do is find a good place to hang out. Preferably a place that interests you. When I do get pulled away from my sim, it is usually by an old friend who wants to introduce me to the group they hang out with. This is usually at a popular club or music venue. They are always a good group of people that I enjoy hanging with. The next day tho, or the next week, I'm back in my old ways of working all the time. Honestly tho, I just really enjoy what I do.

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Your post pretty much fits me to a T, Medhue, especially this last year when I've devoted most of my in world time to my SL business.  As you said, I am also an outgoing, chatty type of person, but am perfectly happy and satisified to do my own thing.  I never understand the "I'm bored" types of people because I'm the opposite - there are not enough hours in the day to do everything I'd love to do in SL.  I go out to dance venues every so often as I love certain types of music/club themes.  I am usually asked to dance, which leads to a friend offer...but then I feel badly because invariably when the new person IMs a day or two later to see if I'd like to do something I'm knee-deep in working on some project regarding my business.  Unlike you, however, I cannot multi-task and need total concentration to build, etc. so I either have to stop whatever I'm doing or thank the person for contacting me and suggest another time.

Most of the people I have become friends with during the time I've been in SL I've either met on the forums where one can get to know someone over time from their posts or have met while involved in similar interests.  Years ago I took sometimes three building classes a day, thus people who became my friends were initially met within those classes.  Later I became an instructor and met other instructors who became my friends.  This would hold true, I believe, for whatever interest a person has - become involved in activities around that interest which often leads to finding friends also interested in the same interest/activity.

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You got that totally right! There's not enough hours in an SL day. Maybe LL should make an SL hour twice as long as an RL hours, then I'd feel like I got more done.

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Maybe you can't meet a 'decent' man because your profile says you have a partner.  Most decent guys won't get involved with someone who already has a partner. Who needs that kind of drama?

A suggestion for a better reception from people when you say hi:  Your profile doesn't really say much about  you other than you help newbs and do photography.  You have nothing in picks to show other things you like or give more clues to your personality.  Most people aren't snobs but a lot of people in SL are shy or have a hard time starting a conversation with someone they don't know or haven't a clue about.. A lot will read profiles to see topics they could talk to you about or if they have common interests with you   While no one should judge books by their cover, it helps to read the cover's flap to see if the book might be of interest before putting a lot of effort into reading it.

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I would suggest to visit places and events which present something you are interested in and where you like to be. After a while you will recognize people who do the same and chances are higher that you meet someone with common interests. Reading profiles also helps to get a good first impression. In the same step you could improve your own profile with adding things that give others the chance to get a good idea of who they are talking to. (really, I met someone due to my profile, cause he liked it tha much, to ask for my friendship).

Good things need time. The same goes for friendships and relationsships. They build up over time, so don't be sad if you haven't found the best friend in the whole world within a couple of days.

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Amethyst Jetaime wrote:

Maybe you can't meet a 'decent' man because your profile says you have a partner.  Most decent guys won't get involved with someone who already has a partner. Who needs that kind of drama?

 

This is both true and in a sense sad.  I am always leery about getting involved with someone who is partnered. 

While I do have friends who are partnered, I am very cautious about what I do with them. 

There is in my opinion, far too much jealousy in SL.  Personally I would rather not deal with it. 

 

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Syo Emerald wrote:

Reading profiles also helps to get a good first impression. In the same step you could improve your own profile with adding things that give others the chance to get a good idea of who they are talking to. (really,
I met someone due to my profile, cause he liked it tha much, to ask for my friendship
).

 

(Emphasis mine)  I have found this to be so true re: profiles.  Prior to it being primarily focused on my business, I had a profile that would consistently attract the type of guys in whom I was interested because I pretty much spelled it out within the profile, while also giving a good indication of who I was.  I had comments such as: "I love your profile," "You're a woman who knows her mind and isn't afraid to speak it," etc. Many of those led to friendships and sometimes a bit more. ;)

 

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I believe that many women in particular can recognize your experiences in SL. I've been here for about a year and find it extremely hard to find friends -or even people who wants to have a conversation. Most of the men I meet are looking for slex and most of the women are looking for a partner. 

Another thing I've noticed is that a lot of people -especially the men in SL are socially handicapped -they don't know how to behave with other people. I have met a few nice people but they often leave SL within a short amount of time.

I wish I could give you a good advice, -just keep saying hi to people and maybe one day someone will greet you back :)

-And avoid the silent types with empty profiles

Good luck

Regards Zeta

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Sakinan

 

Im a re-newbie and have found that most of my old friends have "retired" from SL.  I say hi to most people I say and I guess my experiences are similar to yours but hey thats SLife.

Im finding that having an enthusiasm helps break the ice and find people who are up for a chat - this month mine is sailing so if you fancy a sail on Blake's Sea or just more than a "hi" then look me up.

 

If not - good luck with the hunt

Arabella

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Just like in RL, you need to find the things you have interests in and just go do them. First and foremost do things that satisfy you in SL and that you enjoy. Surprisingly when you get involved, help out, work on a project with a group of people that is when you start making connections and good friends etc. Hobbies are a great starting point or find a group that is pretty active within your interests and get involved helping out.

People come and go that is a fact in SL and in RL so you have to expect it will happen and be thankful that person was part of your life for a while.  Meeting new people is difficult but go into new adventures without expectations and often you will be surprised at what comes out of them. 

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There's always going to be rude or snobby people but yes I AGREEEE it is hard to find quality friendships. They either want sex or want something out of it. The few good ones I found I was lucky.

I don't know much about the virtual dating pool on here but from what I've seen most of the guys on secondlife seem to be a bunch of random and horny weenie waggers who don't want anything serious, they just want virtual sex. There's probably some good ones out there though. Have you tried going to events at places which cater to your interests? Do you try to converse with guys? I wish you luck.

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This story again, ok, hence and repeat,

Five and a half years in sl, short trip in memory lane:
In the beginning you were a nub and as male you were ignored pretty much unable to get decent help, aka ignored.
February 18/19 2007, a day that goes in the LL books of disasters, you create a new avatar out of frustration of not able to login or get fixed.

Learning your lesson and for a laugh, you get a female character and elarn that every one is willing to help you, and some...
You get spammed by idiots, both male and female characters as there was no seperation between sane&adult.

5.5 years later,
You don`t im random people cause you your self got fed up from it and don`t do it to others
You stay out of public conversations due to 5 years spamerience
You avoid the people with partners as the plauge, disaster in the making and drama galore
You don`t go anywhere much cause the same idiots from back then are still here, and brought friends...
Socializing is pointless, they`ll either friend you to never hear from again, or ask you to build/script them *** after a couple of months out of the blue and get mad when you mute them, wich is funny :-)
You don`t bother much with anyone cause people are to dumb to read, put in your profile your male and they skim that part, so just left a subtle clue.
Nearly all people i actually got to know abit were drama bombs, sorry, i`m out!
People take avatars on face value, uhh say wut?, pixels? furries? ogre`s? vampire`s? are you stupid??

Being antisocial in sl, on a very rare occasion i see a profile that makes me smile and contact the person saying that it`s brilliant, part of it was: "Interested in people who can finish a sentence", ended up chatting with her for a few minutes and then dissapear.

If people using their opposite gender was already making things confusing, you get alts.
People with alts always bring paranoia along for some people "if you have 1 alt, who says you don`t have more?" "do you have a bf/gf on that account aswell? and on other accounts?" yada yada yada
People partner their alt just to avoid the slex spam, well, some of it anyway, but complain it`s hard to find company, yeah, doh, "oh you have alts?" <- here we go again...

All the written .... goes for both genders, i know of a few girls who prefer to have a male avi for  the same reasons, wich makes me wish i could transfer my whole inventory to my alt and be done with it.

Decent guys just stick to their own thing and few friends, doing anything in "general" is just asking for drama or ____, atleast the people i know and me.

Maybe a better question would have been on how to find the people that are not here for the annonimity bs drama and just want to use sl for it`s creative possibilities

 

Sorry for the wall of text as others are more expirincied with writing 3 pages saying, uhm, not much :)
End of my personal general grid expirience rant, i`ll stick to my corner again...

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my 1 yr rezz day just came & went .. im convinced that newbies have more fun .. sl is exciting & fun & everything is new .. then it just becomes old hat

in my year iv had 3 serious bfs .. had time zone & language issues w/ the 1st guy .. & it became clear that he was kinduv a control freak .. he did show me how to build stuff & we had fun together but he didnt last long

2nd guy was in2 bdsm .. which i went along w/ fora while .. doesnt really hurt in sl LoL .. but he was only in2 what he was in2 & what i wanted didnt count .. so he went by the wayside

was engaged to the 3rd guy & had a baby by him .. he broke up w/ me just a few days ago ~on my rezz day actually~ im keeping the ring AND the baby :cattongue:

imo its futile to expect a sl relationship to be meaningful or to last .. i guess it does happen for a few ppl .. theyre lucky .. if you expect it to happen to you & you dont get lucky then youre just bound to be disappointed

the thing iv found w/ sl is that it isnt difficult to meet ppl & make friends .. but every1 is so involved w/ their own thing .. whatever that may be: slex kink, music stream, land, business, building, club..... that they dont have time for you .. you can hang out w/ them & be friends but only on their terms .. you hav2 go along w/ what theyre in2 .. hav2 hang out in their fav clubs .. listen to their stream which theyre so preoccupied w/ that they wont give yours a listen ... go2 their place cuz they wont come to yours .. etc .. etc ....

so iv learned to not expect much from ppl in sl .. besides my sisters & bbfs .. ill dance & date & mebbe even have slex w/ someone .. but im not going to expect it to last or be very meaningful .. the fun i have in SL isnt going to depend on anyone else

Jeanne

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I started SL in 2010 as a female avatar. On the first days I wandered around searched for freebies to improve my look (back then I had no idea where to find decent looking freebies, so I ended up with some long hair, strange clothes and sparkling shoes). Well, for having no money I looked not that bad. My days where silent but peacefull.

Over time I sure got quite a couple of strange moments, especially in the shape of IMs from guys. Some mistake my friendlyness for flirting and others simply got "inspired" by my avatar. But I can't say that I already felt the need to run away and hide behind a male avatar. I prefer to be a toaster.

I made a male avatar once....and got instantly help, attention and a friendship offer from someone at the first freebie place I visited. Sadly, that I didn't really felt comfortable keeping the male avatar.

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I know I'm going to offend someone when I say this: I have never in my entire life met so many hopeless men as I have in the one year I have been in SL...Shape up guys! They are rude, antisocial and sexistic, and most of them only care about one thing: SLEX!. I just met a guy who wanted to give me an avi with bigger breasts! Yep that is the interlectual level of SL men. I'm seriously thinking about leaving SL for good. 

I really hope you will meet a nice, descent and smart guy in SL, but please don't get your hopes up too high. The chances you will find him in RL are so much bigger.

 

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Still have a male alt aswell, but never use it, except for "going on a hike" and visit a place or 2 as "myself"

With the helpfullness, think my male has a "Please ignore me" sigh i can`t detached on it`s head while alicia has a "All slex idiots please im me" sign i can`t detach ^^

The slex i really have no interrest in, not with the female or the male, it even makes less sense then having a toilet in your house lol

Besides, with scripts, would you trust a hald year alt or a 5.5 year old avi? :-)

---------------------------------

Reply to Sakinan - view message

08-16-2012 08:51 PM - edited 08-16-2012 08:59 PM

I know I'm going to offend someone when I say this: I have never in my entire life met so many hopeless men as I have in the one year I have been in SL...Shape up guys! They are rude, antisocial and sexistic, and most of them only care about one thing: SLEX!. I just met a guy who wanted to give me an avi with bigger breasts! Yep that is the interlectual level of SL men. I'm seriously thinking about leaving SL for good. 

I really hope you will meet a nice, descent and smart guy in SL, but please don't get your hopes up too high. The chances you will find him in RL are so much bigger.

----------------

That`s why i don`t bother with public places and some times, i wonder if the general male population is dumber then a donkey`s arse and tp out a little bit ashamed of them being the same gender and all i can do is shake my head in RL and think "wtf was that?!"

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Alicia Sautereau wrote:

----------------

That`s why i don`t bother with public places and some times, i wonder if the general male population is dumber then a donkey`s arse and tp out a little bit ashamed of them being the same gender and all i can do is shake my head in RL and think "wtf was that?!"

Sad but true...

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Zeta Zemach wrote:

I know I'm going to offend someone when I say this: I have never in my entire life met so many hopeless men as I have in the one year I have been in SL...Shape up guys! They are rude, antisocial and sexistic, and most of them only care about one thing: SLEX!. I just met a guy who wanted to give me an avi with bigger breasts! Yep that is the interlectual level of SL men. I'm seriously thinking about leaving SL for good. 

I really hope you will meet a nice, descent and smart guy in SL, but please don't get your hopes up too high. The chances you will find him in RL are so much bigger.

 

My experience re: men in SL, dating back to 2007, is that most of the guys that are interested in other things beyond "teh sexxies" are creators, merchants, artists, musicians - creative types that spend their SL time creating.  I have met them in classes and on the Merchant forums.  These men generally have no interest in partnering, etc. but I have found them to be intelligent and great friends.

I've met other quality men who stay in certain themed areas like Caledon.

OTOH, the men I've met while out dancing, even in lovely ballroom venues, may start out being "gentlemanly" but eventually revert to "teh sexxies" type.  Of course there are exceptions to all of this.  I had a 3-year partnership beginning when I was new to SL which ended two years ago and have a lot of fond memories of that time. :)

 

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