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Eileen Fellstein

Is it really asking too much?

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I'm probably asking for it to ask this on here, especially right now with some of the other topics that are floating around, but anyway..

..to have a real, meaningful relationship with someone that remains just here in SL. One you could call real love, though it's understood that it's not going to real life?

 

I'm not talking about RP. I've seen people post that they RP a relationship in SL. I do nothing of the kind. If someone stands me up on Saturday night, I did NOT roll 2 D6 and come up with snake eyes to end up with that glare they find themself looking into when they login <@><@>

 

And maybe the above isn't the best personal add to be placing, lol. But yes, I do have feelings directly related to this existance we call second life. I don't want to come before a person's 1st life, but I do want to matter somewhere above the clickety click of 'likes' to earn facebook points.

To me, SL a life of it's own, emotionally and intelectually connected to the one out there, yet still seperate.

I want someone to share the time with here and enjoy what there is to see and do together without any pressure to go meet them in vegas or what-have-ya.

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no it is not asking to much... I got it with my partner, we been together for years in here and we will never take it to real... and as long as its a understanding between both from the start, then it can work.

Personally I do believe its best to be friends for a long time first so both gets to know the ups and downs on the other person, to see if it really is the mutual understanding or not.. I think most rush to fast into relationships here in sl... or online in general...

But it is possible, cause I got it..... it takes some work, commitment, agreements and a lot of understanding from both...  <3

hugss

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I don't believe you are asking for too much, but sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince, and that's hard because frogs are such slippery little buggers.

Trust and honesty are key in any relationship, and in spite of the many threads we see on the forums that would make it seem to the contrary, there are plenty of people who have a fulfilling Second Life as a couple/family, but who do not intend to take it out into Real Life.

But it doesn't happen consciously when you find the person you're meant to be with.  Stick your wish for a meaningful relationship on your bucket list, and as you go through SL not really looking for that special someone, one day you'll just find that they're there by your side.

I agree with you, SL is connected to RL, but it is still separate, and it is very possible to have the type of relationship that you wish for, it's all about finding the balance, and keeping it in mind that that's what you really want, never to go out into RL. 

My first partnership was hard for many reasons, but one of those reasons was because I did think one day we would meet in real life, and I felt very depressed when I thought how ridiculous and unlikely that was. It was 99% impossible, because of our individual circumstances.  My current relationship could not be more different, and yet it is ideal, and as you describe. It has real meaning, we trust one another, are honest (to the point of being brutal at times), and the two years since we got together, after first meeting here on these forums, have passed in a flash of fun and happiness, with a bit of grumpy chucked in for good measure (it's all about balance :matte-motes-big-grin-wink:)  We both know real life must always come first, and we don't get arsey with each other if we don't get to log in and meet up; having some kind of contact outside of SL actually helps, and does not mean we are taking too much of the SL thing into RL either.

I hope you find what you're looking for. Just know that it does exist.

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Wait, there are normal women here? :smileysurprised:

Not: want your money, want your stuff, want your brain, want you dead&burried?
Not: drama, drama, drama, drama, drama, drama, drama, drama dead&burried?

 

Damn, i`m almost shocked!

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No, you probably are not asking too much.  However, the approach to the relationship you are seeking (in my opinion) is a little detrimental to your goal.  Let's say you are talking about SL but, instead, RL.  Most people I know would love to have friendships (both male and female friendships).  Some of those people have a knack of developing many really meaningful friendships that grow into something else that is mutually satisfying to both parties.....some don't.  From my observations (and also from my experience in life) the ones that grow into a mutually satisfying relationship (a friendship is a relationship, BTW) are the ones that have absolutely no pressure involved......especially at the beginning of the relationship.  The relationship grows gradually or slowly by learning about each other without having to ask.....things like trust that is learned by talking and interacting with someone that requires low levels of trust (like what is your favorite television show).  As that tiny bit trust is gained both parties venture into topics and subjects that involve more trust (like where you might have been born or raised).  Those little steps grow the relationship over a period ot time without a single bit of pressure.........it's all natural (and in many ways it's unexpected).  Once enough trust is gained by both you have a very true (even a deep) relationship.  That is what I think you are seeking.

What I see as the problem with people who also want exactly the same relationship is that there's pressure from the very beginning......often the second thing out of someone's mouth.  Something like "I'm here for a fun and meaningful relationship.  I don't want strings attached, I'm honest and I demand honesty in return, or if you are married, then hit the road Jack".  All those things will be found out over time and bringing up the subject from the first few minutes is really going to be a big put off for that person you just met.  Of course, you should be observant enough to see some contridictions that will set of red flags.  Those red flags will deter trust which will probably indicate the relationship is not going far......but, there's nothing wrong with have a friendship with someone who not quite what you are looking for.  I'm sure you've met many people in life who you like but who you don't have a deep (or even good) friendship with.......they just are not what you were seeking.  You don't need to toss that friendship to the winds......just understand that the friendship is not a great one for you.  If the other party gets hurt then that tells you that you were correct in your assessment of the relationship......just say you're sorry and move on.

SL is not any different in that respect than RL.

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Thank all of you that have posted. I haven't replied back but I want you all to know I've read every post and truly appreciate the time you've taken to share. These are some wonderful thoughts :)

 

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Yes it is possible, I have it.  Such a relationship requires, complete honesty, trust, respect, and maturity. It requires that both partners understand that RL comes first and are willing to provide any support the other needs to keep this as the priority, which includes not getting mad if RL ties your partner up unexpectedly.

My partner and I would love to take it RL and talk about that sometimes, but both of us have numerous reasons why that just can't be right now, in the foreseeable future,or maybe ever.  So we don't dwell on it and are content to enjoy what we have together here.  We view it as an unexpected gift neither of us would have if not for meeting in SL. We don't cling to false hopes but understand that you never know what life may bring to change circumstances.  It is enough to know that if it ever did happen we will be together physically, but if never does, that's ok too as we are together where it counts, in our minds and hearts.

If this is what you want, then keep an open mind and heart,but don't be consumed by the search or push for immediate results.  Meet as many people as you can as friends and see if anything grows from there. Have and keep your standards high for a potential partner but be realistic too, as no one is perfect and sometimes those imperfections are the very thing that keep it interesting. Above all don't think or try to change anyone into your vision of a perfect partner, because you never will.

 

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Eileen Fellstein wrote:

To me, SL a life of it's own, emotionally and intelectually connected to the one out there, yet still seperate.

I want someone to share the time with here and enjoy what there is to see and do together without any pressure to go meet them in vegas or what-have-ya.

This would be the perfect addition to a profile to make it clear to the people you meet what they can expect.

 

.....mabey they should add a tab in our profiles called "terms and conditions"

 

:)

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This is not too much to ask, Eileen. But whether it's too much to give is up to the other person.

I had a partner for two and a half years. We both agreed early on that SL and RL would not mingle (for different reasons, but that was immaterial). I've been told that a caring relationship isn't possible when so much of the other person is hidden from view, to which I reply that RL does not guarantee transparency.

I have maintained online friendships for more than a decade, without ever disclosing my RL identity. I have also had friendships (primarly professional), cross from online to RL. I can't say that the quality of these various friendships is much affected by their nature. It's always been a matter of mutual caring and respect for whatever we show of ourselves.

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I agree with the others who have said it is definitely possible. :)

This thread has me taking a stroll down memory lane.  I met a man within my first month in SL at a place we both worked.  He had begun SL only 2 weeks after me.  We became friends, then better friends, and eventually partners; taking things slowly and getting to know each other.  It was mutually understood we were never "going RL" but our feelings for each other were definitely "real."

We enjoyed exploring SL and did all kinds of things.  I am so blessed that I had someone I loved being with at my side for those years.  Unfortunately we did part, but I will never forget the wonderful memories.  I would enjoy being with a partner again but, as others have said, I'm enjoying my SL and not out there "looking."  I trust if the right partner for me is out there again, we will eventually meet.

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Rafe Oakleaf wrote:

I'm still trying to figure this one out - personally, I feel I can adore someone in SL and keep it from affecting RL (of course, emotionally I can't lock it out, if I love someone, I love them). Being able to accept how you feel about someone but not have it physically spill into your RL (and whatever consequences that may bring) is a tough thing, but possible.

Of course, finding someone else who can do it, that's a nightmare LOL

Rafe, if you ever figure it out, let me know!

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Rafe Oakleaf wrote:

I suppose if you're both setting out from the same point, with no intention of being together in RL, it's easier, but that's not exactly the kind of thing you're going to say to someone at the start of a relationship, especially when your avie's are all over each other and you don't want to think about what might or might not happen. You're just enjoying being with that person, and everything else fades away.

I had a two and a half year SL relationship which did actually start with both of us agreeing that we'd never take it to RL. It can be done, but it's certainly not for everyone. The heartbreak at the end was no less intense for confining the relationship to SL.

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I don't think it's too much to ask, and I hope it really can be found. Because that's what I want. Has anyone noticed that basically what people say about finding love in the 'real world' is the same thing they are saying about finding love in second life? 'Don't look for it and it will find you'?

Maybe that's true, because I certainly don't look to get pervs hitting on me at sandboxes, nor vamps stalking me at freebie stores asking me to join their family (don't remember if I actually did or not lol), but they did and do find me. But when you're lonely, just saying 'I'm not going to look for it' doesn't work. Because subconciously you are looking for it.

Which means, with my luck.. I'll never find it.

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Madelaine McMasters wrote:


Rafe Oakleaf wrote:

I suppose if you're both setting out from the same point, with no intention of being together in RL, it's easier, but that's not exactly the kind of thing you're going to say to someone at the start of a relationship, especially when your avie's are all over each other and you don't want to think about what might or might not happen. You're just enjoying being with that person, and everything else fades away.

I had a two and a half year SL relationship which did actually start with both of us agreeing that we'd never take it to RL. It can be done, but it's certainly not for everyone.
The heartbreak at the end was no less intense for confining the relationship to SL.

Ditto this. ^^

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Rafe Oakleaf wrote:

 

A flag somewhere on your profile would be an unobtrusive way of saying whether you want to possibly pursue RL relations. I know it's open to abuse but hey, if there are dating sites out there then why not? It would take the guessing out of the mix I suppose. But people are people and they'll fall in love no matter which boxes are ticked.

 

After some bad experiences I put on my profile that if someone was married RL, please don't ask me to dance as even a simple dance has the possibility for an attraction to begin.

The first time I went to a dance venue with that in my profile, I immediately got two IMs.

The  first one said, "What kind of discrimination is this??? So because I'm married you won't dance with me?" and proceeded to tell me how "wrong" I was.

The second one complimented me and said he admired that I was a woman who knew what I wanted and was out front with it.  (Didn't ask me to dance though...was probably married. :matte-motes-wink-tongue:)

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Weird or not, but it's possible.

When i was inworld, this newbie literally dropped almost near my feet while i was building a RMX console. So i asked if he was ok and he just stood there for a moment. So i let him, kinda ignoring him and moving on with the build. Then he left without saying a word. A few days later he returned, introduced himself and we started to talk again. He was exporing the grid and had no real home. So i invited him to set his home position at my place. Soon i learned that he lived in the same country, not far from me and we kinda connected, despite our age difference. I ivited him over IRL and after a while, we fell in love. Now we have a steady relationship. He lives during the week at his place, close to work but the weekends he comes over. The one minor point is that he takes over my computer to be inworld.....lol! So, although the chances are very slim, it is possible. I considder myself very lucky he 'dropped' by. Murphy's law, perhaps? Who knows?.....

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it most likely involved truly having multi partners is the only way it really works, two people would go crazy connecting in virtual space and never actually getting together to see what they have..... so there would have to be a real something... this is the only way it works in sl... polygamy (not my cup of tea, if it's sl it's rl i'm a real person even when i'm just typing)

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To have a working friendship like that or even partnership, everyone needs to have a filtering system. Such as if you want to test how they react too some situations. If they can still talk to you about something you did purposuly then tell them that you tested them on that. Then let them test you. Its good tradecraft to be able to have a reward and reinforcement system to work with so that they can understand you better, and react approperiatly to what you want. Its also good to see how they test you as well. You don't want a all me me me relationship other wise people will get bored easily. If they don't seem to be able to test you equally, then they don't know what they want and that can be demoralizing and dangerous too sometimes.

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