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Tony4747

Why is so hard to meet BDSM people?

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In another thread Freya Mokusdi (hi, we met IW some time ago), wrote, in part,

"Finding someone' is the hard part. Unfortunately in my experience that tends to be SECOND to 'finding somewhere'...In my experience it takes a long time to connect with people/a group of people before genuinely interesting offers start turning up. You have to know what to look for, what to discard, and who to run miles and miles away from."

I don't understand. There are hundreds of BDSM sites. Most of them you arrive at some sort of store, I understand these sites are expensive, but even trying to find the BDSM part is a challange. When you arrive there, you may find several people milling around or some actively involved in a scene and you say "Hi"  to those not playing. If you do get a response, and many don't even bother with a simple "Hi", that's the end of the conversation. Attempts do drag out a conversation are fruitless and the other person just wonders off. Don't even bother to ask anything about the site because they are reluctant to say anything.

I have an alt whom I got into a BDSM Femdom Prison where he sat for almost 6 weeks without play.
We are all there for the same play and I don't understand the hesitation.

 

 

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I have never RP'ed anything in SL so I cannot address why it is so hard to meet BDSM people.  It is not like they wear tags announcing 'I RP BDSM'.  Use search to find BDSM groups, and locations.  Visit as many as you like. The sparse conversation you see in local may be because there are IMs going on.

Six weeks is a long time to be locked up. I hope your alt enjoyed the experience.

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SL is no different than RL for finding BDSM people. There's quite a few active BDSM sims, catering to just about any kink under the sun. Some are standoffish, some are not. New people typically get the cold shoulder or at least get treated somewhat warily, because quite often new visitors are either griefers, "kink curious" or otherwise just a waste of time.

Btw, hanging out in a play area is usually a bad idea. People who go play rarely do want to talk to strangers. Find social areas and hang out there. SL has a few of those areas.

There's "The Gateway", "Velvet Thorn", "The Dominion", "OWK" and a whole host of others, including Gor and whatnot. They all cater to different audiences. Find one you like. It's really not THAT hard.

On the other hand, if you're just looking for a Kinky Service Station, a.k.a. McDomme, you'll not find that unless you pay big bucks. Same as RL.

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I'd suggest checking out the Adult Hub BDSM, whereyou'll find plenty of LMs and friendly staff who can suggest places you might want to check out, along with other new people who want to explore a bit.

 My suggestions for venues would be the Bondage Ranch, Billie's Jazz Club, Twisted Orchid  and House of V.   They're all friendly BDSM hang-outs where you should be able to meet people without too much difficulty, whatever your particular kink, and then if things go the right way, you can adjourn someplace else together.

If I might suggest something, I know it sounds a bit silly, but you might want to put up a profile picture.   People do tend to check out profiles before striking up a conversation, and a decent profile picture helps, I think.   Maybe it's because it conveys a more striking impression of you than just the anonymous silhouette.

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Tony4747 wrote:

In another thread Freya Mokusdi (hi, we met IW some time ago)

Hello again, Tony!

I'm sorry to hear things have been slow for you. I guess there's lots of reasons why it can take a while to 'engage' someone in semi-regular play. One of the more common, to me, is that Dominants are often just as nervous as you are about making a good impression. It can be important to allow people to get to know you... in comfort, and at their own speed.

 

As I said before I think that once you find some places to hang out, and start chatting/socialising and getting to know people (show them your sense of humour, talk about what you enjoy, play games or tease/flirt) you'll start seeing what aspects of yourself are most interesting, and most appealing.

Bear in mind also the 'common route' for incoming Dominants to take when landing at a sim; you absolutely have to compete with their current intentions (maybe they're just out to people-watch, maybe they've had a really long day IRL or show off their new outfit) and any other people who share your position (submissives are fairly common, unowned submissives looking for owners perhaps most common among them). You also have to pass their tests for standards, quality and limits AND then finally when they announce their interest to you (usually via IM) you have to be able to impress them, too. It can be a lot of work, and often a very tall order.

But it's worth it. =]

ETA: I can also echo Talia's posting; Dark Wishes is a nice place, and it is popular with newer users and also those 'looking'. There are plenty of others, too.

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It is hard to meet them? As a...hmm.. (I know that sounds strange) "person not into that stuff" I often get the feeling its highls impossible to visit any adult sim without seing at least one of them. Sometimes I even get to think SL is floaded with them....

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Of course BDSM people are people, but since the OP is hoping to meet one of us, it's statistially more likely he'll so do at some places than at others, isn't it?

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Leia36 wrote:

BDSM people are people. 
:)

And Soylent Green is people, too. Less kinky people (or maybe more kinky. Maybe I don't want to know.)

BDSM people do have a different and specific way of socialising, a way of showing to each other their placements and positioning (collars, whips, capes). And they have a considerably different way of talking in open company. They also often have a common code of conduct (such as Safe Sane and Consensual) which makes their approach to many things considerably different. If you're looking for a BDSM-specific experience, soliciting random people is a bad idea.

As I say in my post above, it is important to remember that everyone in the D/s scene is also a human, and therefore take some time to grow comfortable and warm. Starting with humour never hurts, and most will appreciate pleasing company.

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Sure, Im only pointing out that the initial approach is no different to a vanilla relationship. You listen and talk. You find friends by listening to the conversations around you. They then decide if they like you or not and visa versa. And yes there are people who present themselves differently from what they really are like in a relationship. That's why I say listen and talk, take your time. There are plenty of good places mentioned above that are usually busy.

Sure I get the social conventions, that's not what I am getting at, I think that's a given. If he is serious about joining D/s then he should research it, there are very good clues all over the Internet. But it would be a fatal move to grab that collar from the first Miss that comes along. Be sure you know what you are getting into. Listen and talk, ask questions.

Here's one of my favorite quotes about D/s

"It is a contract, a means of commitment between two people and unlike the public perception it is not a one way commitment. Its an equal partnership with one in control but it has limits like any other contract." - Ravena 'Fire' DeCuir

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I’m not that into BDSM. However, I think we all have the same challenges when it comes to meeting and building an intimate relationship or even just a simple hook up. I’ve had great and horrible one night stands. I’ve met great partners and total jerks. With experience we learn to be more… selective.

The challenge comes in figuring out what others are looking for… or sometimes even figuring out what we are looking for.

The one thing I can say for sure is many us are looking for people interested in us… in who we are and respecting that. In SL that gets a bit more complex as some people are experimenting and they are role playing. I think that can lead to mixed signals because they are behaving as they THINK the character they a playing would act. But, they really can’t stop being who they are. It can get confusing when you meet people that are exploring their nature.

There are HUD’s that attempt to do on-the-fly-matchups. You put in your preferences, others put their preferences in their HUD’s and software tries to find matches and alert you when you are close.

We all are doing a lot of filtering. So, your profile is a big thing for those of us that have been in SL for a time. Your RL profile stuff is optional, unless you plan to try and hook up in RL. Your languages, interests, picks, and groups are something many of us look at and use when picking a partner. How well you write your profile bio suggests what kind of role player you may be.

New users in SL seldom update their profile. So, that screams NEW. The problem with new is we spend more time training people than we do enjoying them. Some number of us would prefer to skip that training part and get to the fun stuff. So, some avoid the new people. I have no idea how many **bleep** shopping quests I’ve participated in. It’s only cute the first couple of times… at least for me. (The whole genital shopping thing strikes me as humorous.) I may help a new person, but the chances they get more than shopping help and explanations is really slim.

So, finding ways to demonstrate your knowledge and experience is important to many of us. Having a completed profile is one step in that direction.

The appearance of your avatar is another. The classic male newbie stereotype is a nude avatar walking around with an erection.  I’m not sure what constitutes a sophisticated appearance for a BDSM lover. But, that is what you are going for.

For BDSM another step experienced people take is moving to a viewer with RLV capabilities. If you don’t know, that is the feature set that allows a master to control a slave’s viewer. There are toys made that require the use of such a viewer. So, what may seem an innocuous question about which viewer you use may have sexual experience implications.

Pressing Ctrl-Alt-T or is it Ctrl-Shift-T… I forget, but Show Transparent Objects is another trick to see what hidden things an avatar may be wearing. Xcite genitals and several other brands hide by going transparent. Toggle transparency highlighting on often reveals things. This is not overly accurate. But, it can tell people more about you if you are wearing. It can also suggest negative things if you are wearing heavily scripted genitals in crowed club. Consider the environment.

The real key in what you say when meeting people. There is no recipe for a sure hit, no risk, pick up line, which you probably know.

 

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Subs tend to be a social bunch and dominants tend to be much harder to meet.

 

Interestingly, since i started using voice i have found it much easier to meet and make friends in the community, so be brave and get a headset if you have not already done so.

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Indeed, I have a truly epic bratty sub who can't seem to find anyone willing to undertake trying to control her. The fact is, THEY are the ones missing out on what she can offer. Yes she is a brat, but also loyal to a fault.

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My pets and I just moved to 2nd life 3 weeks ago and coming from another online enviorment to 2nd was amazing. No where else can you express yourself like in 2nd life... now having said that. Their are so many bad subs and doms that you really really need to take it slow and match yourself to your parnter. Yes PARTNER! A sub is the sub for a reason and the dom as well. The key is to find someone that you connect with. And if a dom has more then 2 subs already then move on. Really i think 2 is the right number and if one sub is switch then its a happier house

Doms need to remember that subs are just looking for sex or a beating (ofc they do want that :) but subbies are like little kittens. playful and curious and also need love and protecting. Know your sub and now yourself. Dont take a sub if you dont have the time for her!!! thats rule 1

 

-MMM

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Actually, coming back to this thread after the events of the past month, I find myself wondering how hard you looked. There are so many good and active BDSM groups in SL, I think your main issue will be which ones correspond to your timezone. I see three main timezones: 1 Australia/Asia 2 EU/UK 3 USA, The American Timezone is probably the most active, A lot of the groups mentioned above work within that timezone. That being said, there are plenty places within that timezone that will be active, just not synchronized to your timezone. (you might find that its morning in America but in the afternoon in your timezone.)

This can become complicated if you make a connection with someone out of your timezone, but it is still possible to have a meaningful relationship, you might find yourself loging at unusual times though. *shrugs* its up to you, like so much else in SL, how much you want to give to the relationship and what you want out of it. Just like what happened to my BFF, she is now involved with a Master from America and she lives in Australia. They both sacrifice to spend time with one another.

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Leia36 wrote:

 I see three main timezones: 1 Australia/Asia 2 EU/UK 3 USA

Just saw this and couldn't resist but have to say UK is part ot the EU. :cattongue:

 

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Syo Emerald wrote:


Leia36 wrote:

 I see three main timezones: 1 Australia/Asia 2 EU/UK 3 USA

Just saw this and couldn't resist but have to say UK is part ot the EU. :cattongue:

 
*grins KK, I am sure some of my friends would reject that heresy and denounce you bitterly *laughs

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Because most bdsm people prefer to play RL as opposed to SL? I mean how fun is watching avatars get tied up by pixel ropes as opposed to RL action?

You usually won't find great looking/intelligent people at craptastic places like Bondage Ranch. It resembles noobie paradise more than anything. I go there for a short while everyday in the last month or so and maybe see like 1-2 good looking avatars a week with intelligent profiles and the ability to speak coherently without making themselves look like a complete d-bag.

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To me it's not the watching what the avi's do, it's the words used to build a story in anothers mind, letting your imagination and passion wrap around the person your with and take them on a journey that can be both thrilling and addictive if it is done well and there is a connection.

I really miss the way people connected in SL back when I first started in 07', everything wasn't all about digging and drilling for RL interaction, it was just about enjoying the person who happened to be guiding the avatar you were talking to at the moment and going from there. 

SL interaction has lost something over the years in my opinion, to many people are now to paranoid, to judgemental and way to pushy and crude.  To me that's why it's hard to meet people, whether thats BDSM people or just regular vanilla people.

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Rayse Senizen wrote:

good dominants are hard to meet.  a lot of people think they're doms just because they are naturally mean or bossy. bleh. i see a dearth of subs but a severe shortage of good doms.  (i figure a sub should be molded into a good sub, we really just clay/putty waiting for a firm hand to shape, right? ;D )

You are so right, I was discussing this with a close friend her Master and my Master last night. All of us have a BDSM and Gor background and she has a name for it 'gor sickness'


Suki Hirano wrote:

Because most bdsm people prefer to play RL as opposed to SL? I mean how fun is watching avatars get tied up by pixel ropes as opposed to RL action?

You have a good point in as much that combining RL and SL makes the whole far more enjoyable. However some people new to the scene might have many good reasons not to show up at their local munch. Attitudes, reputations, safety, stereotypes, and other reasons make SL a good alternative to showing up at a munch if they are curious. For me however RL will always be the culmination of a serious SL BDSM relationship.

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Jenni Darkwatch wrote:

 McDomme

i never heard that one before. i will remember for when i ever need to use it

like do you want fries with that

jejejejjejeje (:

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