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Gamja Myanamotu

Killing the Mood

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Hi there,

 

This is really for all the ladies out in sl and it's more a statement than a question. Alright, you're having a hell of a good cyber session with a guy, girl, shemale, whatever and you're really into it, it's a nice little scene all is well and then it comes to an end, everyone is happy and then he pops the question: Did you climax?

To me that just kills the mood and the scene and it really turns me off. It also turns me off when a person tell me that they are wonking off behind the pc. It's like, ok, we're all human and we do things and have our needs and I know men have to release, but asking questions like that just kills the mood for me because number one, no I don't wonk or climax behind the pc. Another thing is that they feel like you're not into it or interested if you're not wonking or climaxing behind the pc. That is so rediculous. Especially because a lot of women don't have orgasms. I have only met one guy that never asked me that question and god I miss him.

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A lot of guys can be very insecure, even though they don't want to admit it. They want to know that you enjoyed yourself - in particular, they were probably "wonking off," so they want to know that you did, too. That they gave you as much pleasure as you gave them, essentially. It's an ego thing, in part.

I'm with you, though - I find it to be a mood killer. You don't know me. We passed some time together, and it was fun, but that's it. You don't need to know whether or not I climaxed, and I don't need to know if you did.

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I obviously don't know much about your SL. And I definitely don't know if this is the best place to put this topic (I doubt it).

It sounds, though, that the issue is one of communication. In most cases, peoples' sexual partners care about the other persons' gratification. They want to make sure that both (or all) parties had fun, and got what they were looking for. I definitely don't think this concern is unusual, although it may be poorly-phrased. SL/RP/Emoting/Cyber/Whatever is mostly text-based so it can be incredibly hard to gauge peoples' moods and reactions. Harder still when the parties don't know each other very well (as is often the case in SL).

Complaining about people who are just asking if you're having a good time seems... very odd, to me. I agree it breaks the 'fourth wall', but again I think if that is your issue then it can be solved with communication beforehand, during or after. My personal view would be that if my partner didn't care about my experience, I likely wouldn't be repeating it with them.

YMMV.

Editted mostly for clarity.

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I agree with Freya. While the ending question is very out there and blunt and may kill the mood for you I'm just not sure what exactly you expect by engaging in that activity with someone you barely know. I'd be more worried who it might be I'm talking to or doing things with than "did you climax". To each their own.

I think Ariel and Freya have good comments about it. It might also just be a guy thing where they want to know they were able to please you.

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guys almost always want to know if you came or not, SL or RL.  i've met a few in RL that didn't care (they were really good lays actually so i know what you're talking about gamja! ;D) but by and large most guys really REALLY want to know they made you **bleep**.

THAT last point is the real issue, of course.  ego boosting.  i don't think they really care I came or not but rather if THEY MADE me **bleep**.  i.e. equating my orgasm to whether or not they're good in bed

what they fail to realize is my orgasm doesn't always coincide with their "abilities".  yes, a really good oral can make me **bleep**.  but too often it's not really good. :/  "messy/slobbery" does NOT = good. :(

anyways, i've grown so accustomed to them asking that i'd be surprised more if they don't, RL or SL.  honestly i want to know if i made them **bleep** or not.  we all want to be sex queens and when a guy doesn't **bleep** i do take it personally. in RL i wrk at it until he does!!! lol!  it's a pride thing for me, not sure if that counts as ego or not. :/

i don't mind their asking but if i say no, that usually sets off a barrage of questions and hurt feelings on their side.  they just don't get it that sometimes i can't **bleep** at all!  nothing to do with them.  i just usually try to explain that i came already, lie and say i did (gasp!), or that i almost came (which is the truth usually).

as for them "wonking off" (lol), i'd be hurt if they weren't "wonking off".  i spent a lot of lindens on my avatar and i like to think i'm a good sexter! ;p  don't take it personally.  they're all just hit & runs as far as i'm concerned. ;D

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This is the adult forum where you talk about adult issues. Common sense would tell someone that if i wasn't enjoying it I would just stop and the climax shouldn't be the main concern in sex anyway as I said some women don't climax. Even in rl men asking that question is annoying. My focus in love making is not the climax but the ride. It's not complaining about someone being concern about my pleasures it's about them asking dumb annoying questions that kill the mood. Well, I was having fun and enjoying myself before they asked me those questions and the ones that want you wonk while you're rping with them. That's just crazy. And it has nothing to do with how long you know a person. Rather you just met or have known the person for a while, it's still a mood killer and everytime I have sex you gotta keep asking that question. Also, I never asked why they do it. I know why they do it, I'm just saying how annoying it is and was wondering if others agreed with me.

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It is a mood killer and I'm pretty sure it has absolutly nothing to do with careing about my amount of fun. Its just to build up their selfimage of an amazing guy who can satisfy every female.

Guys should learn that it is not an all time indicator for them to ask about it. What do they think? I need both hands for tipping and creating the erotic image that makes the mood and fun. (Something I also don't like: When a guy stops tipping real sentences and just cares about his own pleasure....he can't expect me to be all satisfied after that just cause he is).

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Gamja Myanamotu wrote:

 I never asked why they do it. I know why they do it, I'm just saying how annoying it is and was wondering if others agreed with me.

Feedback is good. I disagree with you. =]

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I so totally agree with you. I was rping with one girl, a girl mind you, not a guy, and her writing started to get sucky and she was playing with herself. I was like, mood gone.

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For me it is simple; there has to be a certain level of intimacy and openness between lovers for it to work at all.  That is a two way street.  People aren't mind readers so you have to be honest about expectations and what you like and don't like. Faking it isn't the answer because most people just aren't that good and it will just cause hard feelings when your partner realizes that's what your doing or you end up looking foolish.  Until you express yourself honestly,you can't complain.  When you tell them something and your partner can't deal with it , it's best to know that and move on. But a lot of times there is a way to compromise so that it works for both parties.

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Our relationship is a little different, we agreed to make it as real as possible from the beginning. Yes there are times when I can't climax with him for various reasons. Being in a D/s relationship complicates this somewhat, Its not a turn off for me knowing that he values my happiness. He wants to know that, like was mentioned above, he has pleasured me and I like knowing that I can make him happy and give him release. It may be ego driven or it may be genuine, I think it depends on who you are with. For me, just like in RL, making love is part of being in love. Its a physical act, whether virtual or not, that consummates our relationship.

Part of our problem was time zones. I am a few hours ahead of him, so by the time we get home im exhausted, its late and I really only want to sleep. We had our first fight over this very issue last week. What solved it was communication. Once he realized I was just very tired, we swapped our usual time to a few hours earlier and im happy to say that it worked out very well. :smileyhappy:

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/me imagines a couple being laying together in their bed after having some fun. Suddenly the man takes a pen and a pad of paper from the bed table and ask her "On a scale from 1 to 10, how satisfied are you by now?"

 

Its not a competition and at least...will he want to hear if she has to complain about something?

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Competition, no. However it should be an evolving/learning experience, on some level.

Again, as I said before; if I was with someone who didn't want (or give) criticism (positive or negative) afterward, I would begin looking elsewhere.

The core complaint of the users in this thread seems to be that the 'guys' asking are focussing too heavily on the climax, rather than the whole endeavour. Allow me to give my perspective:-

Some readers here will be familiar with the term 'After-care', a process that takes place after a scene and is typically reflective/affectionate. During After-care it is typical to ask questions and provide feedback between partners so that they can communicate their immediate feelings/thoughts (be them climax-focussed or not) verbally, so that people can learn from the experience quite literally, without having to guess or assume. I would say that in my experience, any 'male ego' (as brought up by other posters) doesn't come into it as often; it's about concern for the enjoyment and hopefully shared discussion on the recent events.

Additionally - as I said before - SL is based in text/IM and other asynchronous/distance-based communication. It's incredibly common for people to mis-understand each other without facial cues, intonation and other body language that humans rely on to communicate in RL (>70% of face-to-face communication is non-verbal). An example is your mis-comprehension regarding my concept of 'Feedback'; I obviously don't mean surveys and scoremarks. The opportunity to do away with the Ooohs and the Aaahs and actually say "Did you have fun?" can be incredibly necessary to ensure that no points have been missed, and that all parties are 'on the same page'. Indeed, it's far better than one day having someone say "Sorry, not today, you're never attentive enough to x, y or z".

I definitely don't consider the examples above the be a bad thing. Even without using the name 'After-care' or even if it isn't every scene, I simply don't think that communicating directly, and verbally, about the things you each enjoyed (or didn't enjoy) is a bad thing.

I hope that makes things clearer for you.

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See that is exactly what I'm talking about. Having an arguement because someone didn't or couldn't climax. Give me a break. If that person whole heartedly loves you, it wouldn't even matter.

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Exactly, people have turned sex into some type of recreational sport or some crap. Keeping tallies and all that **bleep**. It's about expressing feelings and emotions to one another not meeting some type of goal. As I said before, just because a woman doesn't climax it doesn't mean that she didn't enjoy herself. The problem with men is that they don't read and research about the woman sex organs or sexuality so most of them don't know this.

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I understand you on some parts. To me, aftercare is more like kissing and cuddling. Me personally, I don't really like dwelling too much on sex. I like for it just to happen. Some people think too hard and it ruins the mood. For instance, I was cybering with one guy and he was in ims blah blah blah about the scene and it killed the mood. Now asking if I have had fun, that's fine, I ask guys if they had fun or are enjoying themselves but I don't ask, did you climax or are you wonking off. It's just annoying.

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Men and women are programmed differently when it comes to sexual gratification. Men need tactile information in order to achieve their gratification while women need mental stimulation.

Is it a mood killer when I hear "did you come?" Sure, however, I agree that you need to have an open conversation with your partner(s). If you enjoy the occasionally hook ups, you need to be prepared that this question will probably be part of the routine. If you are having repeat encounters with someone(s) then it is your responsibility to open up to that partner and express what they can do to make sure you enjoy the experience. Most I have found are open to that conversation.

If you can't or won't have that conversation, then you need to figure out the similar attributes these type of partners have and try to avoid them.

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Gamja Myanamotu wrote:

I so totally agree with you. I was rping with one girl, a girl mind you, not a guy, and her writing started to get sucky and she was playing with herself. I was like, mood gone.

oops!  i've been guilty of this.  typing with one hand or wet hands isn't easy, y'know?! lol!  usually, my grammar and typing skills are meticulous.  so yeah, you cna definitely tell when/if my fingers are "roaming" when thye strt flbuing or mispling. ;p

but i do apologize when that happens.  usually, i try and just concentrate but the long "silences" between replying during rp'ing are annoying for both sides i would think.

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Better a little silence then a guy whos only responses are some "ohhh" and "ahhh" or anything like that :catwink:

I think he even might be proud if a woman tells him she needs a moment to get her fingers dry for writing! That reminds me of a nice evening I had with a guy, after some really nice RP at a jungleriver he just said he will be away for a short time, he needs his hands now for other things then typing :cathappy:

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Here is a great pole, its all covered in here including: online sex for woman, types of orgasms, fake orgasms and women not being able to orgasm becuase of tiredness. The sniping can cease and we call all crawl back into our holes and be friends again :)

http://abcnews.go.com/images/Politics/959a1AmericanSexSurvey.pdf

If you ask a hundred woman your question, you are likely to get a hundred different answers. What you are really asking is are you alone in not climaxing but still enjoying the sex? Not "wonking off" Well yes, let me explain. Of lets say ten of my real life friends, including myself, that I have known since high school and are in touch with regularly. At least four feel the way you do. Sex is a mental thing for them, "wonking off" is not not needed for them to enjoy it. Two are into female "wonking off" and again climaxing is not a big deal. Two like climaxing multiple times, one of them loves penetration and one is a borderline nymphomaniac. This is by no means a scientific pole, I am just giving you a small sample.

We are all different. Nobody has the final say on what's right and what's wrong. As for men not understanding female genitalia and how they work, neither do some women. I could give you Sandra's manual to what works for her, but it wont necessarily work as well on Rebecca.  You know what works for you, and its up to you to tell your man what you like and don't like, otherwise why would some lesbians buy strap-ons and some be repulsed by the idea? Is the road map to your jade gate going to work for your best friend?

Apologies for the sometimes crude explanations. But there's sometimes no way around an issue but to go straight through it.

/me switches off the lights and heads inworld muttering "meh, last time I give sexual advice in an open forum. Everyone is an expert on other peoples experiences."

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