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danicah

is an open relationship better?

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Efurou wrote:


Syo Emerald wrote:

Isn't it selfish to live without any limits, any boundaries or borders...just because someone can't keep their eyes at the person they say they love? Respect has also both sides. Now your only looking at one side, just seeing ones fantasies and desires not full complete, making it look like theres a poor victim.

Whats with the other person? Is it love if one has to give up anything and live in constand fear and bad feelings?

I don't think so.

 

Every relationship has limits. In case of open relationships they are usually negotiated and agreed upon. Having an open relationship does not mean having not agreed upon limits. I dont know where people get that idea from. I do not believe open relationships have more fear of being abandoned for another then the more traditional monogomous kind. If anything - if my boyfriend is interested in another women - he would come home and tell me about it. In a monogamous relationship - the person would most likely not share such feelings.

I'm wondering if you meant to use the word "negotiated" here.

If I agree to do something that is not my 'nature' eventually my nature may win out.

You either accept who each other is or you don't.

I am basically monogamous.  But sometimes I enjoy the company of someone else.  My partner is the same way.  We celebrate this about each other.  We talked about who we are as individuals when we  started dating but it wasn't a negotiation.  For us it simply is what it is. 

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Senobia Xenga wrote:

IMO, an 'open relationship' isn't a relationship at all. It's a sure F'k on a slow night. And hey - who cares how many you have, right? But call it what it is.


This was the best answer out of this entire thread, IMO.

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This is a rhetorical question and there's no right or wrong answer. But I might advise you not post too much about your friends here. I'm always amazed at who reads these forums!:matte-motes-bashful:

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Efurou wrote:

I  beg to differ Danicah. Maybe an open relationship would not work for you - I can accept that without any argument. But you cannot say that open relationships never work long term. I am in a long term rl relationship that has been an open relationship from the beginning. We are commited, we are in love - and you cannot tell me that my relationship is not a deep, meaningful, passionate, loving, and lasting one. It has lasted for quite a few years now and I do not see that changing any time soon. My  boyfriend is NOT messing around - he is having relationships with other women at times with my full knowledge about it. Same is true for me. There is no cheating, no messing around - there is complete honesty and no need to hide attractions to others. It works very well for us - and you cannot tell me it does not.

Where is the "like button" I have to like this post.

I am in that very same Situation since almost 20 years!! Would not want it any other way.

 

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carolinestravels wrote:



Where is the "like button" I have to like this post.


i wish they would give us those buttons.because they really are fun..plus they save on posting as well..hehehe

 

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Efurou wrote:


Syo Emerald wrote:

Isn't it selfish to live without any limits, any boundaries or borders...just because someone can't keep their eyes at the person they say they love? Respect has also both sides. Now your only looking at one side, just seeing ones fantasies and desires not full complete, making it look like theres a poor victim.

Whats with the other person? Is it love if one has to give up anything and live in constand fear and bad feelings?

I don't think so.

 

Every relationship has limits. In case of open relationships they are usually negotiated and agreed upon. Having an open relationship does not mean having not agreed upon limits. I dont know where people get that idea from. I do not believe open relationships have more fear of being abandoned for another then the more traditional monogomous kind. If anything - if my boyfriend is interested in another women - he would come home and tell me about it. In a monogamous relationship - the person would most likely not share such feelings.

I know that an open realtionship is nothing for me. Too much danger, too much risk and the feeling to be not somebody special for anybody in the entire world.....ok maybe for my parents and the cat lol.

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Efurou wrote:

I  beg to differ Danicah. Maybe an open relationship would not work for you - I can accept that without any argument. But you cannot say that open relationships never work long term. I am in a long term rl relationship that has been an open relationship from the beginning. We are commited, we are in love - and you cannot tell me that my relationship is not a deep, meaningful, passionate, loving, and lasting one. It has lasted for quite a few years now and I do not see that changing any time soon. My  boyfriend is NOT messing around - he is having relationships with other women at times with my full knowledge about it. Same is true for me. There is no cheating, no messing around - there is complete honesty and no need to hide attractions to others. It works very well for us - and you cannot tell me it does not.

Open relatioships always start this way, but they dont' think it will be perfect forever.  For what I noticed from my patients at my job (Psychologist), Someone is bound to get jealous sooner or later, or one of you will find a 'better' mate.

You can simply try, but you cannot fight hardwired human genetics.

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honerken wrote:

Open relatioships always start this way, but they dont' think it will be perfect forever.  For what I noticed from my patients at my job (Psychologist), Someone is bound to get jealous sooner or later, or one of you will find a 'better' mate.

   You can simply try, but you cannot fight hardwired human genetics.

Likewise, closed relationships don't stay perfect forever. After a short while, one or both partners become bored and seek a different mate. That's part of human genetics too. Boredom causes us to spread our genes around.

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Yes. I have an open relationship with half of the women on my friends list. To be honest, an open relationship is nothing more than a bunch of booty calls and one permanent one.

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I don't know about open ships, never tried, not in rl or sl, have thought about it though. How many can be that open and honest with each other to make such thing to work and without being jealous or fearing it will lead to breakup?

I found this article and i think at the end of the text is a good point: "If you are so creative, why don't you put that energy into the existing relationship and use the trust between you as a springboard for endless inner and outer exploration and excitement? Of course, it takes guts; it's much easier to look outside for excitement than to find the source within." http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200904/do-open-relationships-work

Also i think people don't need to have everything they desire.

I don't understand how can you get bored of someone.

I believe that if someone is extremely jealous, the partner's behaviour might be the reason for it and maybe there's not enough communication between the couple. Like the jealous one gets less attention than the strangers or the other partner flirts with strangers etc. and at same time the jealous one might get less hugs and all nice stuff. :P

Hard question... guess everyone can only answer for themselves and everyone needs to try it for themselves to know if it works. Maybe with some partner it would work and with someone else not??

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I'm going to go ahead and say that my experiences as a polyamorous person are not going to be the same as all polyamorous people, so I'm not speaking for the entire poly spectrum. Polyamory and polysexuality are NOT for everybody, and there is no one 'right' way to be polyamorous or polysexual. It should be discussed rationally and more than once with all people involved, and not bought into like a trend.

What you've described sounds like 'swinging.' This is when one or more members of a committed romantic relationship are capable of having sexual relationships, short or long term, with other people without becoming emotionally and romantically attached or attracted to the other sexual partners and without losing romantic or sexual attraction to the primary partner. As you'll not in my disclaimer. polysexuality, much like polyamory or polyromanticism, are not for everybody, which is why the examples you used were not satisfied. The examples you used also weren't satisfied /because they did not talk about it together./ Discussion and continued consent and awareness are entirely necessary to all poly relationships, just like they are to non-poly relationships. Being unable to be poly, or feeling insecure about a poly partner, does not mean that the mono person or the person feeling insecure of their poly partner is lesser, incapable of loving the 'right' way, etc etc. It just means poly isn't for them.

People can be poly in SL, too. Triads are common in both polyamorous (both romantic and sexual relationships) and in polyromantic (without the sexual part) communities in SL, but are less common in the polysexual scene. Since polysexuality doesn't rely on romantic relationships, most polysexual people only make friendships, don't share a home, etc etc. They don't become triads, v-formation relationships, etc, because they're exactly that. Relationships. Something a polysexual person might already have with their primary romantic partner.

Just because a relationship says they are poly and discuss it a few times doesn't mean they are actually poly. People can still get jealous, behave irrationally because they feel threatened, or become dissatisifed or 'homesick.' An open relaitonship, like Rome, is not built in a day. Especially when society treats non-monoamory as taboo and horrible and all kinds of harmful. Internalized negative feelings toward Poly can make poly hard to handle for some people, even after discussing it and practicing it for a while. (Example: My wife. I have found several people that loved both of us very much and wanted to enter a relationship with us, forming a triad. Wife was unable to do this, and had to ask me to back out of the relationship after a month or so, so it could be just us, again.)

 

Now, onto the example used in OP. You note that Jessy is an EX-slave. This means that Josh and Jessy should be completely open with one another on having sex with other people, how they percieve their relationship, and etc. Josh is likely more than her Master in this sense, since you also say that Josh and Jessy were partnered... meaning there is respect in this relationship. (Speaking as a Dom, every non-rp power relationship should be completely open when it comes to discussion, and very respectful of the sub's gift of themselves to the Dom.) For Josh to go and play with others without even having this discussion with Jessy was very disrespectful, and harmful (obviously) to their relationship.

If people are going to dishonest in SL, they are going to be dishonest. Putting the "Oh, btw I'm polysexual/ only go into open relationships" disclaimer at the top isn't going to make somebody any less dishonest about what they have been doing. If they don't want to bring it into their relationship, they won't. Which is why thoughtful, respectful, open discussion within the relationship and education on different forms of relationships is one of the few ways to open a relationship in a way that is cohesive to the health of all people involved.

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Isn't everyone ignoring the fact that on SL you can be many people through different avatars? You can literally be in two places at once in SL and maintain completely separate lives.

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There was a distinction on this subject made in an earlier post... somewhere in this mess, about the difference between strictly non-personal/rp relationships using alts or different avis. I think the OP was written assuming that persons involved felt that they were reflected or related to their sl selves.

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Perrie:

"I'm wondering if you meant to use the word "negotiated" here.

If I agree to do something that is not my 'nature' eventually my nature may win out.

You either accept who each other is or you don't."

 

Hello Perrie,

I did mean to use the word negotiated. That does not mean someone can be talked into something that they are not! It does not mean that a person who prefers monogamy should be talked into accepting an open or poly relationship. It means that people who are in a relationship have to be open and honest what their limits are, what their expectations are - and they have to come to agreements what works for both of them. If more people did that and kept doing that before they jumped onto relationships and thought it is "soulmates forever" - then maybe not so many relationships would end in failure.

E.

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Efurou wrote:

Perrie:

"I'm wondering if you meant to use the word "negotiated" here.

If I agree to do something that is not my 'nature' eventually my nature may win out.

You either accept who each other is or you don't."

 

Hello Perrie,

I did mean to use the word negotiated. That does not mean someone can be talked into something that they are not! It does not mean that a person who prefers monogamy should be talked into accepting an open or poly relationship. It means that people who are in a relationship have to be open and honest what their limits are, what their expectations are - and they have to come to agreements what works for both of them. If more people did that and kept doing that before they jumped onto relationships and thought it is "soulmates forever" - then maybe not so many relationships would end in failure.

E.

cool

It's been a very long time since I've heard any one say 'soul mate' to me.  How anyone could declare they'd met their soul mate after only knowing someone for two days is generally beyond me.  Relationships take time and work to build.  Also, I have found at least in my experience that very few knew the actual origin and meaning of the concept of "soul mate."

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Perrie Juran wrote:
cool

It's been a very long time since I've heard any one say 'soul mate' to me.  How anyone could declare they'd met their soul mate after only knowing someone for two days is generally beyond me.  Relationships take time and work to build.  Also, I have found at least in my experience that very few knew the actual origin and meaning of the concept of "soul mate."

I found a good explanation to what soulmate is:

"“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

 

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

 

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...”

Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love "

http://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/11679.Elizabeth_Gilbert

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Many modern takes on the idea.

The origins of the concept are discussed in Plato's Symposium regarding the original nature of "man(kind)".

"The sexes were not two as they are now, but originally three in number; there was man, woman, and the union of the two, having a name corresponding to this double nature, which had once a real existence, but is now lost, and the word "Androgynous" is only preserved as a term of reproach. In the second place, the primeval man was round, his back and sides forming a circle; and he had four hands and four feet, one head with two faces, looking opposite ways, set on a round neck and precisely alike; also four ears, two privy members, and the remainder to correspond. He could walk upright as men now do, backwards or forwards as he pleased, and he could also roll over and over at a great pace, turning on his four hands and four feet, eight in all, like tumblers going over and over with their legs in the air; this was when he wanted to run fast."

To for go quoting long passages I'll just summarize.  To deal with mankind's pride, Zeuss split this 'creature' in half.  The 'creature' could not stand being separated and "After the division the two parts of man, each desiring his other half, came together, and throwing their arms about one another, entwined in mutual embraces, longing to grow into one......" 

So the 'search' for a soul mate in Mythology is searching for your other half.

You can read the whole passage here in Aristophanes' discourse.

http://classics.mit.edu/Plato/symposium.html

 

 

 

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Senobia Xenga wrote:
and you get this long winded, beligerent tirade about how there's no way in hell a girl can effectively serve two Masters.....*yawn*

But hey - you can't blame the guys in those situation. The subs knew what they were getting into when they agreed to it.

Yes I can. ROFL I can blame anyone in the world for being an egotistical jerkoff,,,if they're being an egotistical jerkoff. Doesn't make it ok just because they announced it upon arrival :P

 

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Eileen Fellstein wrote:


Senobia Xenga wrote:
and you get this long winded, beligerent tirade about how there's no way in hell a girl can effectively serve two Masters.....*yawn*

But hey - you can't blame the guys in those situation. The subs knew what they were getting into when they agreed to it.

Yes I can. ROFL I can blame anyone in the world for being an egotistical jerkoff,,,if they're being an egotistical jerkoff. Doesn't make it ok just because they announced it upon arrival
:P

 

LOL !!!   ( I know nothing of the sub master thing, but)  that is a pretty good point all on its own.

 

 

 

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I think one has to be somewhat cynical about 'faithfulness' in an environment where one's 'soul mate'....etc etc....partner can log off and then be logged in as some avatar one never heard of, all within 2 minutes.

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" The problem is the jealousy, it's a sign and symptom of deep insecurity in either herself or the relationship, and it probably only would have escalated since it seems it was kept as a dirty little secret until this guy started getting hit with it. In cases like this, the guy can either choose to attempt to keep her 110% comfy and secure and hope her jealousy symptoms don't worsen over time, or avoid even starting such a relationship with this person in the first place. Had she been honest with herself about her issues early on, and then been honest with him out of respect, it's a good bet things wouldn't have turned out the way they did."

 

I completely disagree. I think anyone who wants to have a partner AND to bonk anything that moves is trying to have their cake and eat it. After all, in what sense is a person a partner ? There surely has to be some factor that elevates a partner above the level of someone that one meets and engages with for 5 minutes.......and if one is doing sex with one's 'partner; and with other people, then what conceivable meaning is there to that specific 'partner' label ??? It becomes utterly meaningless.

So....people should have open relationships or have partners. The blame here is not on the girl for being 'jealous'...but on the master for being a typical man and wanting to sow his wild oats while the 'faithful' sucker of a wife waits at home. It is he who has reneged on the partner aspect of things. 

 

 

 

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Perrie:

"It's been a very long time since I've heard any one say 'soul mate' to me. How anyone could declare they'd met their soul mate after only knowing someone for two days is generally beyond me. Relationships take time and work to build. Also, I have found at least in my experience that very few knew the actual origin and meaning of the concept of "soul mate."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

That is why I had the word soulmate in paranthesis. I always roll my eyes when people meet in sl and a few days later declare each other soul mates and in lover forever in their profiles. A few weeks later the profile is cleared out - or one can find some emo poems - and in the worst cases a bashing of the "former soul mate."

For me - english is not my first language - the expression soul mate has a different meaning also. A soul mate to me is a kindred spirit. I have very few friends I consider soul mates - for me it has nothing to do with romantic feelings.

I think the interpretations of that expression vary - the only important thing is that the people who apply it too each other are clear on what it means.

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Cali Souther wrote:

haha .. I have to agree...

 

An open relationship is just FWB.  :-)

Cali,

you  can make that call for yourself and for your own relationships. But many people live in long term, meaningful, serious, and very loving open relationships. Telling them they are only friends with benefits is offensive. I am not saying an open relationship is for everyone. We all have to figure that out for ourselves. I am also not saying that open relationships are better for everyone. An open relationship is better for me - and you cannot tell me I am just FWB with my long term partner.

E.

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Verena Vuckovic wrote:

I completely disagree. I think anyone who wants to have a
partner
AND to bonk anything that moves is trying to have their cake and eat it. After all, in what sense
is
a person a partner ? There surely has to be some factor that elevates a partner above the level of someone that one meets and engages with for 5 minutes.......and if one is doing sex with one's 'partner;
and
with other people, then what conceivable meaning is there to that specific 'partner' label ??? It becomes utterly meaningless.

So....people should have open relationships
or
have partners. The blame here is not on the girl for being 'jealous'...but on the master for being a typical man and wanting to sow his wild oats while the 'faithful' sucker of a wife waits at home. It is
he
who has reneged on the partner aspect of things.  

Ok, my rl partner has sex with other women at times. At this moment he has a girlfriend who is part of our relationship. I have no clue why that should diminish my relationship in any way. If sex was the only thing that elevated  my relationship with him above the relationship with others - we would have parted ways a loooong time ago. Reall - sex is the only thing that makes the relationship with our partners special and elevates it over other relationships. That boggles the mind....

About the M/s thing? There are all kinds of bdsm relationships. One thing should be the guiding principle - safe, sane, consensual. So if the agreement is that one partner can have sex with others and the other one cannot - that has to be agreed upon on the outset. When it comes to sl - everything is consensual because we always have to give our permission to everything that happens to us. So the X in the corner is basically the ultimate safeword. That might be one reason - and a good reason - why so many people do more adventurous things in sl and play out things they would not in real life.

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