Jump to content

is an open relationship better?


You are about to reply to a thread that has been inactive for 3299 days.

Please take a moment to consider if this thread is worth bumping.

Recommended Posts

Just wondering if its better to have an "open" relationship in SL, where both partners can have more freedom? Or would you prefer to be 100% faithful? But the problem is... It's easy to have RP-Sex in IM without actually seeing eachother, or even make an alt and have fun with others on an alt.

I know one couple where the girl (let's call her Jessy) was an ex-slave and had a few Masters before. Then she was partnered and married to someone (i'll call him Josh) and they were together for over 2 years. Until he played with another girl once... And Jessy broke up because Josh was "cheating" on her.

Well since Jessy used to be a slave girl before, she should know that a Master normally can play with other girls, even if he is partnered to one of them. But when she was with Josh, she would always get extremely jealous when he was around other girls. Maybe she didnt want to share him with others... But she still was partnered and collared to him.

The funny thing is: Her RL daughter is partnered to someone too, who likes to "play" with others. Gives you something to think about...

Well i can understand if some men (and women!) still want to have fun with others once in awhile... But this is SL, and you can do so many things you wouldn't do in RL.

So i was thinking, an open relationship may be better because it gives both partners more freedom. They can still be partnered but they are not "restricted to eachother" and can still "play" with others if they are in the mood, and nobody gets jealous.

What do you think? Does an open relationship work in SL?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 59
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

In the case you described an open realtionship would be absolutly useless. Jessy isn't jealous because Josh broke some contract and changing that contract would make everything fine for her (turning a normal realtionship into an open one). Josh would be happy with an open realtionship (maybe....). Now he could have sex with every girl he meet without feeling like hes cheathing. But its highly possible that Jessy would still feel bad, cause she knows that she have to share him and isn't enough for him.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

IMO, an 'open relationship' isn't a relationship at all. It's a sure F'k on a slow night. And hey - who cares how many you have, right? But call it what it is.

In regards to poly situations in BDSM - 99% of poly "Masters" hold their subs to a higher standard than they hold themselves to. They have two, five, seven subs at once. And boast loudly and proudly about their ability to please/satisfy them all and how 'happy' their lil 'family' is. But you turn it around on them and ask, "Well, can your girls have other Masters, too?" and you get this long winded, beligerent tirade about how there's no way in hell a girl can effectively serve two Masters.....*yawn*

But hey - you can't blame the guys in those situation. The subs knew what they were getting into when they agreed to it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The best is when you can be free, to do and think anything! If you want that, stay single lol

And about your thread, I would just add "for who"? And when?? We can't talk in general... Constant change is the only thing that lasts forever lol, we should enjoy the happy moments and don't bother ourselves thinking whats best. Its all about the situation:)

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

An 'open' relationship works only if all involved parties are polyamorous and agree that it is a desirable situation.

Most people's minds are not 'hard wired' for anything other than a one-on-one mating relationship. In terms of how most species evolve, choosing a mate who will remain faithful to you and stick around all the time to defend you and your family is greatly preferable to being 'one filly in the herd', where the male (or female!) who has multiple mates is dividing their attentions among many others. People who choose a devoted, monogamous mate are more likely to survive. This is especially true for females, who are more vulnerable while pregnant or rearing small children. A woman risks far more if she engages in a polyamorous relationship that allows other women, because her mate might leave her for one of the other females, while she is more at risk because of current or past pregnancies and children to support. A male, on the other hand, risks far less in allowing multiple partners. They are not weakened by a mating - except for the responsibility that they choose to bear for defending their mate(s) and children.

Polyamory requires that each partner be fairly self-sufficient, and that conditions don't require that 'be with me at all times for defense and support' mindset. In a modern era where a woman has her own job and her own car and can go where she pleases without permission from a man or a male escort, and where contraception is available, it is much easier to take that risk. But to do so means going counter to thousands of years of genetic predisposition. So you don't find that many women who can accept that sort of relationship, mentally or emotionally.

In SL this is greatly complicated by the divide between Residents who see their avatar as an extension of themselves, and those who see their avatar only as a fictional role playing character.

If your avatar is 'you', then all of the above issues with polyamory come into play not just for one avatar that you own, but also for all your alts. And you'll generally expect the same feelings from your partner and any of their alts.

But if your avatar is NOT you, then it makes no difference if Joe the Lumberjack is married to Jill the tavern wench, while Joe's alt, Sam the railroad engineer is dating Polly the preacher's daughter. They are separate characters, and separate relationships, none of which are real.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Another classic example of people not letting all of their expectations be known (as in.. guaranteed understood, no secrets) before engaging in these kind of relationships. No, moving this relationship to an open one, or even having selected an open one to start with most likely would not have saved this partnership. The problem is the jealousy, it's a sign and symptom of deep insecurity in either herself or the relationship, and it probably only would have escalated since it seems it was kept as a dirty little secret until this guy started getting hit with it. In cases like this, the guy can either choose to attempt to keep her 110% comfy and secure and hope her jealousy symptoms don't worsen over time, or avoid even starting such a relationship with this person in the first place. Had she been honest with herself about her issues early on, and then been honest with him out of respect, it's a good bet things wouldn't have turned out the way they did.

Absolutely open relationships can work, and work well if the people involved are honest with themselves and each other beforehand, when issues pop up, and are assertive with making these things known instead of playing the lame "hint or imply" game. There are no psychics or mindreaders in this digital place, so acting like ones significant other(s) are some kind of super psychic that can pick up on hints is only a recipe for a big huge fail, and a fail the "hinter" would be to blame for. Consequently, it's no wonder that couples in open relationships here who are married to each other in RL seem to fare the best when agreeing to allow "play" with other residents.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Whether any type of relationsip is better than any other can only be decided by the people involved.  What works for one may not work for another.  Likewise, none but the people involved can judge whether it is good, bad, indifferent, working, failing, etc...  Everyone has their own reasons for what works for them.

If you are asking for yourself, you have to decide what you want from a relationship and what you are comfortable with. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

you're better off being friends with benefits than trying to have an open relationship..

it's a good chance one will end up being hurt  longer than they should be..

where friends with benefits can be more about just sex hehehe

like playing Tennis!! \o/

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think whatever two people find works for them is ok as long as both are open and honest about it from the start.  If your looking for an open relationship, you should say this very early in a relationship in case  the other person is not ok with it.

It seems to me that if you have an open relationship there is no reason to Partner at all, unless it's strictly a RP.   Your better off remaining single.  You don't have to have a name in the partner box of your profile. There are plenty of people who don't and there are also plenty of people that are in a monogamous long term relationship that don't either.  Personally, to agree to a partnership the other person has to earn my trust that he will honor the ground rules of the relationship, which is important to discuss before it gets that far.  His name in my partner box is not a guarantee that he is worth my trust and doesn't deter many from trying to engage him in an affair..  If I feel close enough to someone to partner with them, I also don't need a name in the box to tell me how I feel or keep me from straying from the ground rules.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

An "open" relationship, is not something that would ever work for me, or my hubby for that matter. We are the type of people that bring ourselves into sl, rather than playing characters. Though our avs, obviously, can do things we cannot, we are very much ourselves in spirit and mind. We are the one woman-one man sort of people. So open anything wouldn't even really be discussed by us, beyond the initial "no thanks:" sort of discussion. To be honest I've had friends who acted as if the open thing is what they wanted, when the truth really was that they were simply insecure. When push came to shove, open relationships weren't their cup of tea either. It just felt good to be "loved"(using that term loosely here) by more than one mate. Which brings on it's own bag of goodies, that most don't really want to ever open.

I've seen open relationships work for others, so I won't discount them, at all. But, as others have said, it has to be a 100% open and honest thing. ALL parties need to be willing, and able, to pull it off. Not just physically speaking, but mentally as well. If you can't put yourself in a place that you can picture your mate with another and not feel any amount of ill feelings, then an open relationship is probably a bad idea. In fact in some cases any stated relationship at all, might be a bad idea. It might be something you're not fully ready for. Been there, done that, years ago anyway, lol. When it came down to it I realized that my own insecurities were going to be the death of the relationship, lol. A smart move on my part.

Now, when hubby and I first got together, I had my moments of insecurity. Mostly because his previous relationship ended badly(she wa shorrible to him, not the other way around) and I was worried his feelings for her, were still there. But, that was my own issue, and I made it well known to him. He helped me get through it though and we couldn't possibly be more secure. That's actually one of the reasons we made it through a really rough patch, when he had to be away for an extended amount of time (rl). Had I remained as insecure as I once was, I'm not so certain that would have gone the same way. Tough road to travel.

I don't think either type of relationship is altogether better or worse. It depends entirely on the people in it-and only those people, not the peanut gallery looking in from the outside. We can't possibly know what would be best for another individual without being in their head. We can only make guesses, and observations. There are a lot of people who make open relationships work in sl. I have a couple of good friends who've been doing this, successfully, since 2006, lol. But they are very open, very honest and very trusting. I think that open honesty is very important and if you can't give that, then it's going to be tough to make it. Most of the people I do know who prefer the sort of open and free feelings when it comes to relationships, aren't actually in any at all. They take it on casually, more of a  booty call sort of deal than anything. Though they're likely friends with their booty calls, I'm not sure they're super close. More of a "let's rock our socks off and have fun, with no commitment" sort of deal.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So you want to point out that being jealous because your boyfriend *** another woman, is somekind of a mental problem?! Are you crazy or what? If I don't like certain things and get angry and frustraded about them, when they happen.....is it just a normal reaction not a problem. What you let look like the ideal way to deal with certain things is just like having a ego as huge as a planet. Thats like saying "I'm better than all that other women, nothing is in danger when he sleeps with them."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Open relationships never work long term. Humans are hard wired to feel bad if somebody they deeply love is messing around with and off being intimate with others. If you do find some examples that “seem” to work, its because the people involved really don’t care about each other all that much.

Link to comment
Share on other sites


Syo Emerald wrote:

So you want to point out that being jealous because your boyfriend *** another woman, is somekind of a mental problem?! Are you crazy or what?

 

Try reading the whole OP next time then...


danicah wrote: But when she was with Josh,
she would always get extremely jealous when he was around other girls
.

 I ONLY commented on the part above, about open relationships in general, and I didn't say a single thing about sex or cheating. You dragged that in from reading other replies but they are not part of what I was talking about, nor were they part of the words I wrote.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

IAWTC. 

To my mind, the women who consent to these so-called 'relationships' (and it's nearly always the women who agree to share) are either so desperate and lacking in self-respect that they'll accept anything that's offered -- or they're simply not that bothered in the first place.   Rather than share a man, i'd always walk away and as fast as possible.   Then again, i believe in monogamy and i'd find it demeaning and insulting to be offered anything less.

*bows and climbs down from soapbox*

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites


squashy Beeswing wrote:

IAWTC. 

To my mind, the women who consent to these so-called 'relationships' (and it's nearly always the women who agree to share) are either so desperate and lacking in self-respect that they'll accept
anything
that's offered -- or they're simply not that bothered in the first place.   Rather than share a man, i'd always walk away and as fast as possible.   Then again, i believe in monogamy and i'd find it demeaning and insulting to be offered anything less.

*bows and climbs down from soapbox*

 

ok lets try an example that culd totally happen for reels in RL..

kk here goes....

what if!! she is a job head hunter and just wants to have sex like cracking her back and then gets back to her job with no feelings about it but just like back cracking? and the man is the person she got the job for and he works at  oh i don't know..maybe like GQ or something and doesn't have time either but likes tennis alot and sex with no emotions after..just getting back to work?

 

then later once they figure out that this one third eye blind song really isn't from third eye blind and finally now they both realize this

then realize they both finally have something in common and fall in love  for evars..

would that be ok?

hehehehe

 

ok i'm just playing..i can't help i loved that movie hehehe

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites


OceanBird wrote:

Open relationships never work long term. Humans are hard wired to feel bad if somebody they deeply love is messing around with and off being intimate with others. If you do find some examples that “seem” to work, its because the people involved really don’t care about each other all that much.

Ocean

I strongly disagree.

If you demand sexual exclusivity from somebody you dont trully love that person, you just posses that person as if she/he was your property. Its selfish, possesive and disrespectful to the needs, wants and desires of the other person. If you truly love her/him you want her/him to be happy and fulfilled - if that includes diversity in sexual relations, so be it!

But this is a two way street of course!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Great one caroline.

Everyone connects love and sex.

I love my car or my mom but NO SEX. Relationships and love can be about alot more than the exclusive right on someones body - or even only parts of ;)

You cannot force someone to be truth they have to want it. Only then it works.

Monogam on SL and RL.

Monti

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You may find more freedom by being a monk, freeing yourself from this slavery you speak of! You become not only a slave to some biological based addiction that is triggered by the activities that also are based upon slavery. I see no freedom in chains, no freedom in being controled....I see only the loss of freedom as you seem to wish not only for someone to tell you when to be feeling, when to be happy, when to feel pain but now...well, you ask strangers of freedom.

How can you listen to us tell you what freedom is when you wish to be under the bondage of a human and also allow that to prepetuate under the intoxicating biochemical reactions of sexual relations? Freedom is not about having others tell you, about others opinions but about being able to be...well...free. Freedom have nothing to do with sex, open is what happens to a door....all of this is so important to you and that is fine, it is your life and I am not telling you how to live it....for a change....yeah, I am NOT telling you how to live it. I am saying I can't  tell you, but pointing our you are basically seeking something easier than freedom....something much easier. Slavery to biology and also slavery under another human...so, why use the word freedom? This is so confusing and I am not sure I am really even asking you a question or rhetorically saying these things but....I am just confounded that someone speaks of slavery, open and all these words....for almost nothing because you beleive in slavery.

Asking questions is fine, having fun how you chose is fine....but I find this so very very confusing. Freedom to be enslaved by more people, to lose more of ones hours to anothers control. Ah, this is why I say monks find freedom by contorlling themselves, being thier own masters....they shun fun and many other things, incuding biochemical delights! So, am I to just post a link to a monostary? This way your life will be devoted to humanities, to living as an example and also to possibly just support your monostary! You will be enslaved in a way that brings freedom...you will openly live your live devoted to whomever it is the monestary wishes to help....is this  the answer? I just don't know....so I end with more questions than answers when I read a few words of this threads original post. I simply can't begin to figure out what questions to even ask, though I feel as if it is not really important. Someone simply wants to do sexual things with whomever they want and not be devoted, but do some of what someones says part of the time....which is confusing...so, they are a confusing person. You are confusing. That is all I can say? Wow, no point then saying anything.....but, maybe it will be fun for someone to read..so, here we go...I will hit 'post' and let this fly out....unedited and it needs to be because it starts out missing many parts and I didn't fill those in...but I like it, it is confusing!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Isn't it selfish to live without any limits, any boundaries or borders...just because someone can't keep their eyes at the person they say they love? Respect has also both sides. Now your only looking at one side, just seeing ones fantasies and desires not full complete, making it look like theres a poor victim.

Whats with the other person? Is it love if one has to give up anything and live in constand fear and bad feelings?

I don't think so.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well in the first place, I don't care for the whole BDSM/Gorean thing anyway. I feel it's degrading to women, just my opinion. It's one of those things some others may find enjoyable, so whatever floats their boat. I think if you agree to enter that type of dominant/submissive relationship you can't expect it to magically somehow be different. If women enter into a relationship with a man who feels the need to have 8 women slaves, they can't expect their pixel **bleep** to be the magical one that will make him be monogamous. It just doesn't work like that. If they want a man who will be committed to them, then maybe they should find one who only likes to date one woman at a time and not treat her like a piece of property.

Do an open relationship work for everyone? I think they can if it's more of a friends-with-benefits agreement. But often real feelings creep in there and I think both men and women feel naturally jealous and possesive to varying degrees.

My husband and I started off as friends, but then we both fell hard for each other pretty quickly. We both like to be monogamous, so that works for us. It's not simply about jealousy or posssesion, we're each other's best friend. He's the one person who I know will always be there for me no matter what, and I will always be there for him. There simply is no one who can offer me anything better than what I already have. We've been together in a loving and committed relationship in SL and RL for nearly two years.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites


squashy Beeswing wrote:

LOL!  Idk, Ceka, but "sex like cracking her back" sounds awesome!  Where can i get some of that?  :matte-motes-big-grin:

lol

this is where i got it from..

 

this is the song that Justine kept thinking was from third eye blind hehehe it's a really good movie..i watch it any time it comes on =)

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I  beg to differ Danicah. Maybe an open relationship would not work for you - I can accept that without any argument. But you cannot say that open relationships never work long term. I am in a long term rl relationship that has been an open relationship from the beginning. We are commited, we are in love - and you cannot tell me that my relationship is not a deep, meaningful, passionate, loving, and lasting one. It has lasted for quite a few years now and I do not see that changing any time soon. My  boyfriend is NOT messing around - he is having relationships with other women at times with my full knowledge about it. Same is true for me. There is no cheating, no messing around - there is complete honesty and no need to hide attractions to others. It works very well for us - and you cannot tell me it does not.

Link to comment
Share on other sites


Syo Emerald wrote:

Isn't it selfish to live without any limits, any boundaries or borders...just because someone can't keep their eyes at the person they say they love? Respect has also both sides. Now your only looking at one side, just seeing ones fantasies and desires not full complete, making it look like theres a poor victim.

Whats with the other person? Is it love if one has to give up anything and live in constand fear and bad feelings?

I don't think so.

 

Every relationship has limits. In case of open relationships they are usually negotiated and agreed upon. Having an open relationship does not mean having not agreed upon limits. I dont know where people get that idea from. I do not believe open relationships have more fear of being abandoned for another then the more traditional monogomous kind. If anything - if my boyfriend is interested in another women - he would come home and tell me about it. In a monogamous relationship - the person would most likely not share such feelings.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You are about to reply to a thread that has been inactive for 3299 days.

Please take a moment to consider if this thread is worth bumping.

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share


×
×
  • Create New...