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Valenica

What to do if you find out that your partner is the opposite sex in real life?

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I am a female was partner to what I thought was a female, in game. Come to find out she is a he in real life, what can be done about this? I have note card and a confession from him that he plays female to have sex with females in game. My friends told me that it is called rape (unwilling)

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Whoever told you that it was rape was wrong.  There is no such thing in a virtual world.  Yes you were violated but only in the trust you place in your "partner".......in an anynomous world trusting is not always a good idea (you don't know who the person is and have no way to find out either.......at least no legal way).

There's not anything you or anyone else can do about it.  Just move on with a very important lesson learned under you belt.  An Abuse Report will go nowhere except in the trash heap.

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If your relationship was based in Second Life and was never ever going to be taken out into real life, then generally I would say what does it matter if you were enjoying each other's company.  The problem with relationships started on the internet - as with penpals in years gone by - people can pretend to be who they are not.

However, if your partner was definitely grooming you with a view to misleading you or causing you physical or mental trauma in real life, it seems the laws are changing.  There was recently a case publicised in the news about a young woman who had been posing as a male in order to meet up with young women for sexual encounters (this via a social networking site).  Of course, when the women learnt that their male object of desire was in fact a female, they were disgusted, and pressed charges.

Only you can say if what your partner did was bad enough to bring charges against him/her/it.

Edited to add link to British newspaper article.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2087804/Gemma-Barker-19-disguised-boy-date-GIRLS.html

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It will do you no good to file an Abuse Report on this...there has been no Terms of Service or Community Standards violation, and Linden Lab will take no action against your ex-partner.

If it were me, I'd shrug it off.  Either forgive your partner for the deception and stick with him/her... or don't, and move on.  A great many people are a different gender (or a different species!) in SL than they are in Real Life.  That's just the way it is here, and I tend to take people as what they present themselves as in world.

I do think it's pretty rotten of your partner to NOT tell you his RL gender before you partnered with him, though, especially if he knew that RL gender was something that mattered to you.

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While I agree it was a rotten thing to do, there is nothing you can do about it now.  You never know who is behind the pixels in most cases.  Not even voice or cam is any verification as these can be faked too. There are a lot of men that play women in here for the same reason he did.  It is especially prevalent in the lesbian community. 

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theres nothing you can do about it. no Linden Lab rules were broken, and if he lied about his gender, he easely may have lied about everything else. what if he is from Slovenia, or Sudan? you can not expect that the laws of your country will apply to him. i dont think the United Nations will get involved in a case where someone had an avatar of a different gender in a virtual world.

you can just forget about it and dont trust that much what gender the person you feel attracted to is.

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Amethyst Jetaime wrote:

There are a lot of men that play women in here for the same reason he did.  It is especially prevalent in the lesbian community. 

I just imagined what if they were both male and laughed hard. :D

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Ry0ta Exonar wrote:


Amethyst Jetaime wrote:

There are a lot of men that play women in here for the same reason he did.  It is especially prevalent in the lesbian community. 

I just imagined what if they were both male and laughed hard.
:D

As long as i have been in SL and seen all that I have, I doubt anything would shock or amaze me anymore except maybe to find out this has never happened.  :smileylol:

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this happened to a friend of mine that was a lesbian in real life.  she was attracted to the avatar and got over that it was a guy because she fell in love with the person inside, and she liked looking at the female avatar in the interim.  didn't even see 'him' as a male cuz she didn't know him irl.

my ex boyfriend was 'married' to a guy playing a girl too, he knew it was a guy.  it was roleplaying to the extreme.  i'm pretty sure he kind of liked it.  good way to experiment.

 

sucks that they didn't tell you though, in my examples the other person was informed.  better late than never though.  if you really liked that person maybe you can still have something with them. 

 

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Ry0ta Exonar wrote:


Amethyst Jetaime wrote:

There are a lot of men that play women in here for the same reason he did.  It is especially prevalent in the lesbian community. 

I just imagined what if they were both male and laughed hard.
:D

That was my thought too lol

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Yea. That is not a nice thing to do. But I do not think anything can be done about it.

You just has to be more careful and get the other resident on voice if you plan on having virtual Sex lol...

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"What to do if you find out that your partner is the opposite sex in real life?"

1) Smile

2) Follow my way smiling

3) Remember me that this is SL while smile

That's what I would do. But there are many other options, of course.

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Valenica wrote:

I am a female was partner to what I thought was a female, in game. Come to find out she is a he in real life, what can be done about this?

 

Find another partner.  It is the easiest thing to do in SL.  That's why LL charges a fee to both partner and unpartner. 

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How on earth are you going to equate fake online sex to rape??? 

What can you do about it? Mute and unfriend this person. There is no action that you can take up with LL against them because there is no rule against pretending to be someone else in SL. 

I understand that someone hurt your feelings and that is hard, but you were absolutely not raped. Suggesting so is totally insulting to those of us who have actually been victimized in our RL. 

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Valenica wrote:

Come to find out she is a he in real life, what can be done about this?

Ask him to transform into woman in RL.  Nothing else can be done. :smileysad:

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That's pretty messed up what this girl did!

However, this was a RL crime in the UK. What happened to the OP, while unfortunate, isn't a crime and it took place online. Had the relationship carried over into RL, maybe she could press charges, depending on where they live.

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Valenica wrote:

I am a female was partner to what I thought was a female, in game. Come to find out she is a he in real life, what can be done about this?

Depends, are you shallow or do you believe love transcends gender?


Valenica wrote:

I have note card and a confession from him that he plays female to have sex with females in game. My friends told me that it is called rape (unwilling)

Can't rape the willing.

 

 

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Rosemaery Lorefield wrote:

I understand that someone hurt your feelings and that is hard, but you were absolutely
not raped
. Suggesting so is totally insulting to those of us who have actually been victimized in our RL. 

This needs kudos...wish I could dole it out on this thread.

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Ry0ta Exonar wrote:

I just imagined what if they were both male and laughed hard.
:D

OK, this bugs me...why is it more socially acceptable for two women to be in a relationship than it is for two men?  Ultimately, both situations boil down to two people realizing the other gender isn't enitrely necessary for the experience.

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they laughing at the idea of two guys faking each other that they are rl lesbians

+

and how the fakers went on skype so they could go hahahahaha u is pwnd at each other

and then O.M.G. !!!

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Valenica wrote:

I am a female was partner to what I thought was a female, in game. Come to find out she is a he in real life, what can be done about this? I have note card and a confession from him that he plays female to have sex with females in game. My friends told me that it is called rape (unwilling)

1: It is absolutely NOT rape. Not unless he sought you out in RL and raped you in RL. To call that rape is an insult to real rape victims.

2: If it really, truly matters to you what the real gender or sexual orientation of an online roleplaying partner is, then run, do not walk, to the exit, delete your account, and stop seeking virtual relationships on-line. Stick with real-life, where you only have to worry that they are lying about not being married, or seeing someone else, or not having a social disease. You can never be certain that the other person is representing their real life self on-line. Never. And many, many people in an environment like SL deliberately do NOT present their real-life self, because that isn't what they are here for. They are here to enjoy fantasy relationships that may well be impossible in real life, like being the opposite gender to orientation, or being non-Human, or whatever. 

3: If you want a real-life relationship, and are willing to accept that some of the time you'll still get fooled by someone who is extremely good at playing the opposite gender, then:

  • Cease the relationship with the 'girl' that you know is a guy.
  • Only start relationships after disclosing to a potential partner that you care what their real-life gender and orientation is, and that you are only interested in seeking a relationship with someone who represents their real-life self as their avatar in SL, matching all details of gender and orientation with reality.
  • Talk to the person in a non-romantic way long enough to be fairly certain that they really are the gender and orientation that you believe them to be. Use a webcam or voice chat or phone calls to 'validate' their real gender.
  • Be prepared for the possibility that they may still be deceiving you about something that matters, like being married in real life.

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Rosemaery Lorefield wrote:

I understand that someone hurt your feelings and that is hard,
but you were absolutely not raped. Suggesting so is totally insulting to those of us who have actually been victimized in our RL. 

Define victimized?

One may say suggesting you have been victimized in SL is insulting to those of us who have been subjected to rolling restarts.

Proportion is everything.   

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I don't think I'll indulge your request out of respect to other's delicate eyes. :)

Maybe it's your thing, but trying to be cute talking about rape is a little too distasteful for me to be amused at.

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Rosemaery Lorefield wrote:

I don't think I'll indulge your request out of respect to other's delicate eyes.
:)

Maybe it's your thing, but trying to be cute talking about rape is a little too distasteful for me to be amused at.

Cute?  I didn't put shiny smiley faces on my post. 

It was the ridiculousness of your usage of the word "victimize" at which I was laughing. 

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